Had a pretty major meeting w counterparts today and my main job was to be the video clicker besides the work done before. Can’t believe I was Actl abit stressed over just being a freaking lame clicker and zooming into speakers’ faces, cos the cam clicker can go up down left right in Diagonals / v easy go out of frame. 

During div check-in right after, boss asked me bout his follow ups for a task that I’d spent unholy hours (not a lot of time, just unholy hours) working on last week as well as summary of that task/ subject matter, which my sup had (very very rarely) cleared happily without extra comments. But I couldn’t even rmb that I’d just sent it up to boss ytd (!!!) afternoon and went silent in the meeting room. Sup had to help reply on the spot and said settled alr. I checked while the circle went round and realized it was still pending clearance so raised it again during closing, he said he’d also opened up that thread to check and saw that he hadn’t replied us so not settled. Anw conclu was he felt there was no need to follow up, for reasons which I agreed with, which meant no need for the reply I had thought hard about to craft to a very crafty receiving party haha. But (a) I’d put in effort into it, not anyhow half-heartedly do like I’m doing most of the times these day; (b) It was cleared thru sup w no amendments/ comments; (c) I had Just sent it to boss Ytd PM but couldn’t even rmb off my head that I had sent him alr, and what the subject matter was even about. Beyond the seemingly trivial points above, feel like I’ve essentially been pouring in effort into v useless and meaningless stuff at work that end up going nowhere, while every other person in div is handling at Least one meaningful thing now.

Think at some point everyone in div might have found out or heard snippets bout what happened to me in 2020, and I haven’t been able to crawl out of it/ prove myself otherwise much though I try to not care what others think and Just Do My Work. Been q sensitive bout it and feel like ppl doubt my ability or try to act like I’m an idiot or some even say in a very qianbian tone “xxx happened Do You Remember??”.which honestly makes me want to roll my eyes in front of them. Plus my div is super gossipy T.T

;

Had really thought (still think?) that I‘d recovered, and Dr See’s “you just need to be more confident in yourself” a few months back had put me on cloud 99 and I was like ok I am ok alr can move on with life and close this stupid chapter alr (sans quarterly reviews, my next target to kill). But idk why I couldn’t rmb anything just now, in a 0-impression-of-topic horrifying kind of way, and feel shag bc I used to really have really really really good memory. This sucks man. Now I can’t even remember which min my favorite person at work is posting out to in 1.5 weeks and she just told me last week and more than once?? Also, had been super dutifully eating my meds day and night, even setting phone alarms and daily reminders. So so mad, so so embarrassed, so tired and so hopeless. Really hate it that I can’t trust myself, which makes ppl lose trust in me, and that ppl don’t trust me, which also makes me lose trust in myself. 

Have been in a “my heart v tired” phase for a while, at life in general beyond work, although we just came back from a nice relaxing holiday in France. Had gone off ig priv to avoid spreading the negativity, but just feel extra defeated these 2 days. Last week colleagues (, sup ,) v candidly discussed the topic of  “why do we work so hard to live the next day for?” “Like yknow ppl who are maybe 80+, literally spending everyday waiting for the next day/ to die. Why do we fight to live the next day?” 

Ok la idk maybe most people I know life v good no need to fight for anything but that line really hit me?

I really don’t know man and now I keep asking myself that qtn. Hate that I sound so unappreciative of life esp after close calls in recent years that should’ve made me learn to treasure life more. Not sure why everyday I’m preparing for and looking forward to live the next day. Also said in the context of pump failure/ cgm sensor failure/ broken pump clips/ boycotting pump/ freedom with manual injections / manual injections freaking failing / high sugars / feeling super sick for a few days last week.    

But the new pump clip came today and I think I can move on from that sadistic mini breakdown, back to other problems in life.

Still need to figure out my purpose for living, when I’m really not enjoying this world and really not making the world an enjoyable or better place (self-centered, sadistic, boring, mean, unlikeable, idk) now.

Ok this is getting too negative. Came here after Spotify shuffled to this song I was Obsessed with in 2020, and wanted to tell myself very cheesily now: Don’t Give Up on Me. (Andy Grammar)

V close to giving up on self :( idk why ppl say God has a plan for everyone and gives everyone their own burdens and blessings etc etc but I feel like some ppl rlly have all blessings no burdens haha. I know I am very very blessed too and really have no right to complain about anything. Just heart tired. And need to not give up on myself bc it feels like everything in life is caving :”) part of me feels like running away, going ovs again to somewhere where no one knows me, to recover and start over again and become a better person and stop hurting the impt ppl in my life. But alr not that many impt ones left after being away for so many years, and the leaving itself might hurt the most impt ppl (parents) although now I think staying def. doesn’t help. Trying to be more thankful for the ppl in my life and my dog and treat em better :”)

So here’s a really corny: We can do this, let’s do this, you can do this adeline. Don’t give up on me. 

Had a pretty major meeting w counterparts today and my main job was to be the video clicker besides the work done before. Can’t believe I was Actl abit stressed over just being a freaking lame clicker and zooming into speakers’ faces, cos the cam clicker can go up down left right in Diagonals / v easy go out of frame. 

During div check-in right after, boss asked me bout his follow ups for a task that I’d spent unholy hours (not a lot of time, just unholy hours) working on last week as well as summary of that task/ subject matter, which my sup had (very very rarely) cleared happily without extra comments. But I couldn’t even rmb that I’d just sent it up to boss ytd (!!!) afternoon and went silent in the meeting room. Sup had to help reply on the spot and said settled alr. I checked while the circle went round and realized it was still pending clearance so raised it again during closing, he said he’d also opened up that thread to check and saw that he hadn’t replied us so not settled. Anw conclu was he felt there was no need to follow up, for reasons which I agreed with, which meant no need for the reply I had thought hard about to craft to a very crafty receiving party haha. But (a) I’d put in effort into it, not anyhow half-heartedly do like I’m doing most of the times these day; (b) It was cleared thru sup w no amendments/ comments; (c) I had Just sent it to boss Ytd PM but couldn’t even rmb off my head that I had sent him alr, and what the subject matter was even about. Beyond the seemingly trivial points above, feel like I’ve essentially been pouring in effort into v useless and meaningless stuff at work that end up going nowhere, while every other person in div is handling at Least one meaningful thing now.

Think at some point everyone in div might have found out or heard snippets bout what happened to me in 2020, and I haven’t been able to crawl out of it/ prove myself otherwise much though I try to not care what others think and Just Do My Work. Been q sensitive bout it and feel like ppl doubt my ability or try to act like I’m an idiot or some even say in a very qianbian tone “xxx happened Do You Remember??”.which honestly makes me want to roll my eyes in front of them. Plus my div is super gossipy T.T

;

Had really thought (still think?) that I‘d recovered, and Dr See’s “you just need to be more confident in yourself” a few months back had put me on cloud 99 and I was like ok I am ok alr can move on with life and close this stupid chapter alr (sans quarterly reviews, my next target to kill). But idk why I couldn’t rmb anything just now, in a 0-impression-of-topic horrifying kind of way, and feel shag bc I used to really have really really really good memory. This sucks man. Now I can’t even remember which min my favorite person at work is posting out to in 1.5 weeks and she just told me last week and more than once?? Also, had been super dutifully eating my meds day and night, even setting phone alarms and daily reminders. So so mad, so so embarrassed, so tired and so hopeless. Really hate it that I can’t trust myself, which makes ppl lose trust in me, and that ppl don’t trust me, which also makes me lose trust in myself. 

Have been in a “my heart v tired” phase for a while, at life in general beyond work, although we just came back from a nice relaxing holiday in France. Had gone off ig priv to avoid spreading the negativity, but just feel extra defeated these 2 days. Last week colleagues (, sup ,) v candidly discussed the topic of  “why do we work so hard to live the next day for?” “Like yknow ppl who are maybe 80+, literally spending everyday waiting for the next day/ to die. Why do we fight to live the next day?” 

Ok la idk maybe most people I know life v good no need to fight for anything but that line really hit me?

I really don’t know man and now I keep asking myself that qtn. Hate that I sound so unappreciative of life esp after close calls in recent years that should’ve made me learn to treasure life more. Not sure why everyday I’m preparing for and looking forward to live the next day. Also said in the context of pump failure/ cgm sensor failure/ broken pump clips/ boycotting pump/ freedom with manual injections / manual injections freaking failing / high sugars / feeling super sick for a few days last week.    

But the new pump clip came today and I think I can move on from that sadistic mini breakdown, back to other problems in life.

Still need to figure out my purpose for living, when I’m really not enjoying this world and really not making the world an enjoyable or better place (self-centered, sadistic, boring, mean, unlikeable, idk) now.

Ok this is getting too negative. Came here after Spotify shuffled to this song I was Obsessed with in 2020, and wanted to tell myself very cheesily now: Don’t Give Up on Me. (Andy Grammar)

V close to giving up on self :( idk why ppl say God has a plan for everyone and gives everyone their own burdens and blessings etc etc but I feel like some ppl rlly have all blessings no burdens haha. I know I am very very blessed too and really have no right to complain about anything. Just heart tired. And need to not give up on myself bc it feels like everything in life is caving :”) part of me feels like running away, going ovs again to somewhere where no one knows me, to recover and start over again and become a better person and stop hurting the impt ppl in my life. But alr not that many impt ones left after being away for so many years, and the leaving itself might hurt the most impt ppl (parents) although now I think staying def. doesn’t help. Trying to be more thankful for the ppl in my life and my dog and treat em better :”)

So here’s a really corny: We can do this, let’s do this, you can do this adeline. Don’t give up on me.