It's 2.32am on a Sunday (now Mon) night and I am not asleep becausee free leave tmr again hahaha. Have been sleeping before 1am for a long time since the head episode cos brain cells needa recover/ less damage, and it's been a real feat for me bc yours truly has always been a late sleeper, at least since pri sch/ MSN days I think haha. But took a 3hr nap this afternoon alr (which actl left me feeling worse than better) and need this safe space to sort out my thoughts tonight.
If I could just say out a completely unfiltered thought right now: life Sucks. It does. I've been crying so much lately and my tear ducts are like broken faucets that just cannnottt for the life of me stop leaking. They're more broken than they've been in the past 1.5years, and there were more 'valid' reasons then-- exchange and situationships ended. No idea why I'm becoming more and more of a baby as I'm growing older sigh but as shared with P earlier today, I've been feeling so mentally unbalanced recently. Think it's the prospect of many upcoming changes that I'm afraid of but will have to learn to live with. And as you might know if you've been here for long, homie has such a strong aversion to change- helppp T.T
1. Health
Main reason for coming here at 2am is to try to accept and process the fact that I'll be switching to an insulin pump today :') Don’t quite feel sufficiently prepared for this nonsense, esp. when I'm (still) struggling to survive/live with a much worse memory (but also get that I need to eventually move on from this neuro shitshow though). So last week Dr S mentioned switching to the pump again during review and tgt with Nurse C, spent 2hrs+ (yes w just one patient) trying to convince me... and I agreed to give this a shot.
Apparently, the benefits would be very real (like inserting sites once in three days instead of multiple daily jabs, better overall control with alot of headspace freed up from managing T1D). But I've gotten so used to my daily jabs and current lifestyle after 16 years, and really like being able to just live with pens/ visibly be done w T1D after jabs. My biggest concerns include reliability and my fear of attachment (seriously) - this v ugly and bulky 118g device (yes i weighed it bc it felt soo heavy) will basically become my life system and be attached to me 24/7, tgt w a pretty lengthy (imo) plastic tubing, and I fear having to rely on a machine for the next idk-how-many years (forever? ;__;) to sustain my life. On top of these superficial concerns are the costs of the machine, monthly consumables and current insulin pens that'd be wasted/ thrown away.
Not that I need to worry about costs/money - parents have always stressed that there's more than enough for me, but if I wanted to be independent and not rely on them/ tried to imagine sustaining myself as a grown adult without parents? Sigh. Compounding these concerns is the fact that most of the team I'll be meeting tmr are not people I'm familiar with besides Dr S, and its SO hard for me to warm up to/ be comfortable w new ppl immediately, esp. since COVID times, with healthcare professionals (don't ask why). Was so tempted to text Nurse C a few times last week to cancel this whole idea or beg her to be there but I'm no longer a baby and she alr said before that she's on course tmr morn T.T
2. Work
The reason for the rush to change ^ (though Dr S has been asking bout this for almost a year) is cos work is back in full force and homie might be sent to the great C again for 6-7 weeks in end-Sep. Sup asked if I was interested in this opportunity to go, and hesitated for a few days but eventually accepted, partly cos I'm growing abit restless after 1+ year of mainly wfh, and mainly cos idk how to reject ppl (a sup, for career at that). So everyone on the health side has essentially squeezed me into appts for these remaining 2 months and I've been getting bi-weekly free off-days that I won't complain about (though optics-wise this really doesn't help someone new in the workforce who just returned after being MIA for 2 months).
Tbh, am really not quite sure why I'm working so hard now and What for. Life has literally been 9am-9/10pm every day, with ~2-3hrs for meals + bathtime (+1hr exercise if dad drags me to run), i.e. no life ahaha. Was advised recently to center life around my goals (thanks shumz), but got no idea what my life goals are currently or what I want in life now. And by extension, also not sure of my purpose for living now (feel like I've been there many times before alr but yea again; parents?). Why am I fighting so hard for this life now/ going along with this stupid pump idea just to better manage my T1D, and taking anti-seizures to manage my alr dumb brain? Legit question here that I need to figure out, though I guess I should alr be much more thankful for this life/ ashamed when I think of others who are battling worse illnesses/ situations for their lives.
Mini conclusion here that I think my soul is being sucked out by work and I gotta figure out how to really balance/ manage this. Don't get me wrong- I actually enjoy this job and things I do to a certain extent, but a job is a job and I dun want to let it take over my life, esp. if I dont see much hope for progression here even if I throw in 90% of me/ my energy (hello scholars and elite world). And as close friends might be aware, I really hate the term "busy" and to a lesser extent, "no time", cos I believe that people Make time for their priorities. (Feel free to discuss and further explore this topic w me cos I haven't found anyone who could convince me otherwise yet.) So I really hate how I've been feeling so depleted of energy recently from work to manage health (exercise more, sleep early) and tired from health issues to deal w work properly, despite just trying to stay afloat and not thinking of next steps (e.g. career progressions, further education, life partners etc). Speaking of life partners, ppl my age are starting to have kids and I'm still dancing around my fears of attachment + human interactions/ introversion and unattractiveness hahaha gonna be even more unsure of anyone who might be remotely interested in a fat girl with a plastic tube and pager machine hanging out of her body 24/7 now :'). (ok no offense to anyone in the past who might've had real interest ahaha talking bout my own issues not your tastes) But yea low-energykid97 gotta focus on one thing at a time now- other things can come in later. Plus I trust dogs would easily be more reliable and loyal than humans- fight me on that hahaha.
3. Lifebuoys
Moving back from ^ to reality- really gotta give thanks for my MVPs, the ones who've been here and the ones who are still here in spite of all my personality/ physical flaws +++. Have lost so many people to years of being abroad and broken ships + connections to broken ships. Thankful for constants, pillars of support, family, lifebuoys, you get the drill, who have kept me afloat and let me cling onto them (literally or not), and who've reached out / kept in touch even though I have nothing much/left to offer anyone rn, and am not a particularly fun person to hang out with. They know who they are, I hope. and I feel/trust/hope its not done out of sympathy. :')
Final throwback tnite to a particular ovs trip (camp) many years back (7 years? my goodness) with a particular group of friends and without fam. Developed a v random fever (weak immune system but fevers are so rare for me) and had to rest in hotel while others went on to play. Still can't figure out what this person was thinking then (prolly lazy to go out?), but suddenly recalled how said person stayed behind with me in the room the whole afternoon (? bad memory sobs) and checked on me regularly (iirc touching my head to check if i had fever still etc) while I slept in. Dk why this person suddenly came to mind now (at 4.30am?? lol creeps), cos we were never exceptionally close. Always felt like we were on diff wavelengths (said person prob thought so too lol) and I rmb squabbling/ arguing/ fighting w this person more than we ever got along, esp. towards the end of our group's regular meet-ups, when I couldn't agree with/ felt so upset by how said person had developed v unhealthy habits. Also not sure why I even cared then- maybe it was cos I just really Hated what the person was doing. But ok back to topic- am thankful that this person was just there for me that day, esp. since my fam wasn't around to baby me, and tbh I just really really hate being sick and alone la lol. Anw I realized then that said person was really kind and good inside, though we fought even more after that camp lol. Hope that he/she is happy and doing well (maybe no more unhealthy habits pls,,). and s/n cos I'm honestly curious- isit just me or does anyone else get these kind of suuuper random out of nowhere throwbacks to ??? events or ppl who you're not v close to or not even in your life anymore? minor freaked out cos me and said person are more fre?ne?mies?? but ok mb its time to sleep lol.
As how I usually try to end my postsss, find silver linings and trust in God. I'm still worried about 9am and the whole line-up of appts later but hey, its alr 4.51am (ahahaha oops) and tmr will pass by faster than I can worry (cross fingers pray and hope). I guess the years of struggling (abroad and back home) have taught me that: life with God will not be all sunshine, rainbows, and miracles with no storms, but I'm pretty sure that life without Him would be filled with greater storms and much fewer rainbows. So if there's one piece of advice that I (in my asdfghjkl-state now) could still give anyone here (myself included)-- trust and hold onto Him. Hopefully we'll all get out of this gongpit tgt soon. And I'll try to be more positive/ enjoy my free off-day later if I can :') And refill energy as fast as I can and hug/ squeeze/ treasure/ kiss/ refill my lifebuoys with all their air hahaha.
"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. My mouth will tell of Your righteousness, of Your salvation all day long." - Psalm 71:14-15
