Happy Saturday!
Got a list of over 1000 names (not exaggerating) to research on (one. by. one) for work which was due ytd but i couldn't get started on cos of other work and sup needs it by monday. Went online at 9am today (yes, a Saturday cos i want a weekend to live life) and sent out 2 emails for other tasks. Felt so accomplished at my productivity in 40mins that i've been slacking till now i.e. haven't started on what i was supposed to do hahahaha. Feels like this has been So me since pri sch-- staying up till late cos i'm so easily distracted and can get nothing done. #storyofmylife
It's nice coming here and reminding myself of how much things have changed but also remained the same. I really hope that I'm growing and becoming a better person, holding on to the qualities and values I've treasured, while at the same time changing for the better in other ways that I haven't been great at.
Just wanted to come here to record how I've experienced so much grace, protection and love the past week (or since Nov 2020) from my family esp.
The past week was rough because I'd been having bad feelings all day long. They were different from the usual shock waves/bad feeling feelings, but were persistent throughout the whole day and made me feel really sick and nauseous. I can't really describe the feelings and can't tell if they're psychological or neurological, just that they felt very bad and I didn't feel well. Couldn't eat much from tues-thurs esp, cos everytime I tried to I felt like puking (yay to free diets ahaha). The bad feelings felt so ... bad (pardon my lack of a more sophisticated word) that I was afraid of the dark (even when the sky turned cloudy), night time and sleeping and all. I read my morning/evening devotions and prayed hard as I could/ tried to keep talking to God haha but fear still loomed like a very dark cloud over my head. And through these times, my parents have been strong pillars of support for me and I just wanted to record how much they've done for me and how much I should be thankful for and treasure them.
Dad slept with me for 2 nights, on sissy's bed which didn't have a proper blanket and he just covered himself with the woolen shawl/throw i brought back from canada. Felt bad cos that bed is directly under the aircon. Proposed to sleep with mom later on so she wouldn't have to sleep alone and we could share blankets and have basically been sleeping with her for 4 nights. And dad still refuses to use my blanket/ covers himself with that throw sigh. Felt super normal/ good yesterday with no bad feelings at all, was so happy i had double portions for lunch and didn't feel sick (: wanted to sleep alone but dad told me to sleep w mom for another night, just to make sure I had enough rest and all.
Think the key point was just to say that they've done so much for me since Nov 2020, and I really really need to treasure my family and parents more. Feel so indebted to them, but as P told me ytd night during our 2hr+ call (thank God for that call because it made my TGIF), just appreciate and enjoy the care and affection from my parents cos not everyone still enjoys it at this age (haha am i mega baby or what :') ) I'm thankful that they give me so much protection and care which I sometimes still 嫌弃, while providing me with the safe space to grow and do the things I want to do (be rebellious).
Parents just came home with Sat morning breakfast from the market and mom told me I could get dad/ sis to help with the research on 1000 names lol gonna spare them the pain since its my work sigh but yes. There is so much love around us and so so much to be grateful for. I'm going to remember that every day as I try to slowly overcome the fences that have formed around me (e.g. fear of stepping out of my room at night when all the lights are off lol). And I will try to be a better person after all this love from family and the friends who have really stuck by me through thick and thin.
(p.s. dad just walked out of his room with his laptop and told me to send him my work :''''') gonna finish up breakfast and get back to work so I can hopefully really rest tomorrow)
Anyways! neuro review was brought forward to next Fri (bc baby me teared up in front of Dr S during diab review last wed when Dr S said he couldn't really help/ not his expertise and I was feeling so sick lol). Hope it goes well and praying for peace and health during this period.
Also hoping that whoever and wherever you are, you'll remember too that love is always around, even in the tiniest things-- we just have to open our eyes to see and open our hearts to receive em. Take care and stay safe, happy and healthy!
