Today I heard the best and worst piece of news after 15 years of life with T1D—

The Good: best HbA1c reading in 15 years; a solid solid improvement that shows I’m (finally) in control and in a safe(r) range.  

The Bad: I might go blind soon despite my near-perfect eyesight. T1D and my rebelliousness (for at least the first 10 years) seem to have finally caught up with me. Dr S said “you’ve had T1D for 15 years, so this isn’t surprising at all” and he was so calm about it, like telling me I’m losing a strand of hair after showering. On a brighter note, he added that this diagnosis Might go away and that my vision Might not be affected after all (although I grew up hearing stories of how other t1ds had perfect eyesight and suddenly went blind when they turned 18). 

Am not sure what to feel yet and couldn’t react (or cry) there and then cos my dad was w me— how do I tell my parents (the people who care most) that I don’t want to live anymore? Cos honestly, I don’t think I’m as afraid of death as of living a life without dignity and quality. Didn’t know who to tell or burden with this news either and felt so alone for a few minutes. But what am I even expecting most peers my age to say to sth like this? 

First thoughts while typing this include “oh No I’m already so fat and ugly and unlikeable— what’s gonna happen when I’m blind? Who’s gonna like me, am I even going to have any friends after this? Are people going to avoid me or start laughing at me when they find out? Am I going to rot in poverty while everyone else succeeds in life?” Sometimes I am so shallow that I laugh at myself too hahaha. 

Feeling so numb right now but I’m going to trust that God has His reasons for this result, that He is still sovereign over it all and that He loves me most. Maybe He really wants to teach me how to “live by faith and not by Sight” AHAHA but I wish this was a real joke and that God could just take this cup away from me if He is willing. Yet not my will but Yours be done— help me to obey and let Your will be done in my life.

Today I heard the best and worst piece of news after 15 years of life with T1D—

The Good: best HbA1c reading in 15 years; a solid solid improvement that shows I’m (finally) in control and in a safe(r) range.  

The Bad: I might go blind soon despite my near-perfect eyesight. T1D and my rebelliousness (for at least the first 10 years) seem to have finally caught up with me. Dr S said “you’ve had T1D for 15 years, so this isn’t surprising at all” and he was so calm about it, like telling me I’m losing a strand of hair after showering. On a brighter note, he added that this diagnosis Might go away and that my vision Might not be affected after all (although I grew up hearing stories of how other t1ds had perfect eyesight and suddenly went blind when they turned 18). 

Am not sure what to feel yet and couldn’t react (or cry) there and then cos my dad was w me— how do I tell my parents (the people who care most) that I don’t want to live anymore? Cos honestly, I don’t think I’m as afraid of death as of living a life without dignity and quality. Didn’t know who to tell or burden with this news either and felt so alone for a few minutes. But what am I even expecting most peers my age to say to sth like this? 

First thoughts while typing this include “oh No I’m already so fat and ugly and unlikeable— what’s gonna happen when I’m blind? Who’s gonna like me, am I even going to have any friends after this? Are people going to avoid me or start laughing at me when they find out? Am I going to rot in poverty while everyone else succeeds in life?” Sometimes I am so shallow that I laugh at myself too hahaha. 

Feeling so numb right now but I’m going to trust that God has His reasons for this result, that He is still sovereign over it all and that He loves me most. Maybe He really wants to teach me how to “live by faith and not by Sight” AHAHA but I wish this was a real joke and that God could just take this cup away from me if He is willing. Yet not my will but Yours be done— help me to obey and let Your will be done in my life.