轻轻听，我要轻轻听，
我要侧耳听主声音。
轻轻听，他在轻轻听，
我的牧人认得我声音。

你是大牧者，生命的主宰，
我一生只听随主声音。
你是大牧者，生命的主宰，
我的牧人认得我声音。

Taking a break from CSI and just wanted to say that I'm feeling much, much better.
Daddy's listening to/singing Christian music on youtube while working at the dining area and mommy's marking by the sofa. 
Life isn't perfect yet and I still don't feel fully recovered (i.e. thought of going back in 3 weeks leaves me feeling worse than terrible), but other than that I'm feeling better.
In the past two weeks, I've received a lot of love hahaha and I feel increasingly ready to face people (maybe not the world yet)
Thankful to lyj and my parents + bro (and his pretty cute gf who's been to pku and bought a soft toy there HAHAHA). The JB trip was dam funny + fun, filled with stupid shit and lots and lots of breakthroughs haha. Jc classmates are not people I would trust completely due to certain conflict of interests (like in prev post?), but thankful to have met up with them and go back to simple jc times haha. I think in a school as complicated and intelligent as mine, my class was really one of the best classes you could have ever asked for because of our simplicity and how people were just really kind. I never really imagined singing in public while walking past many strangers haha but I did just that with them that night and it felt pretty liberating. Dk why I feel so deep 感触 hanging out w them among all the meetups and friends after coming back, esp since I was pretty detached/felt pretty detached/ detached myself back in those days  and that natural high barrier I can't let down ahaha, but yeaa pretty grateful that they brought out some part of me I thought I lost, i think. haha.

I guess in life you can't have it all- you prolly can't be super pretty or super smart and have super high EQ at the same time, neither can you be super popular outside or be a social animal and be super close to your family (bc of the amt of time u have to spend on other people; e.g. sissy).
I'm just glad I have my family and a few friends who I can see accompanying me for the next 5-10 years, cross fingers no unfortunate events or anything else happens. 
And having so damn little courage to face new people now, I think this is an accomplishment + very satisfying already.

I feel that in the past few weeks, I may have backslided quite much and lost my focus on God, that's why I was worrying like crazy over things that usually are just pretty much at the back of my head, like things I know about but dun care about haha. I guess bc I haven't been really doing devotions since after finals so I started to drift further away from God. Idk if I've found him fully already, but the sermons these 2 weeks have really been messages straight to the heart and I actually secretly teared up at random points listening to the sermons. The sermon last Sunday was on 勇敢面对软弱 or sth close by 伟光传道, and it was really apt and amazing considering how the week leading up to that Sunday, I just freaked out over my health and future. The sermon today was on not worrying by Dr Yeoyeo/ 友仁牧师 (he was my mom's sunday school student and a doctor but quit his job to become a pastor and only got ordinated last month, so i'm learning to change names after ~20 years haha; super inspirational figure + life story showing his amazing dedication to God and how he shines for God). I liked his CALM acronym and reminder from God that nothing in the world can shake me if God is within me. Also the part about seeking His will first before anything else, and worrying about just one day at a time. This was the scripture passage today for his sermon:

你们看天上的飞鸟，也不种，也不收，也不积蓄在仓里，你们的天父尚且养活它。你们不比飞鸟贵重得多吗？
你们哪一个能用思虑使寿数多加一刻呢？
何必为衣裳忧虑呢？你想野地里的百合花怎么长起来；它也不劳苦，也不纺线。
然而我告诉你们，就是所罗门极荣华的时候，他所穿戴的，还不如这花一朵呢！
你们这小信的人啊！野地里的草今天还在，明天就丢在炉里，神还是给它这样的妆饰，何况你们呢！
所以，不要忧虑说，吃什么？喝什么？穿什么？
这都是外邦人所求的。你们需用的这一切东西，你们的天父是知道的。
你们要先求他的国和他的义，这些东西都要加给你们了。
所以，不要为明天忧虑，因为明天自有明天的忧虑；一天的难处一天当就够了。
--马太福音 6: 25-34 (Matthew 6:25-34)

I hope that people reading this place have good enough Chinese to manage these hahaha pretty basic...? It's more of a reminder to me to look back in future (I typed the entire chunk of Chinese in attempt to ingrain this passage in my head more) but I hope that even if you're a non-Christian friend or reader who's worrying about something at the moment, that this passage might provide you with some bit of comfort or some truth and logic when you read it. 
TLDR: It's meaningless to worry so much about life in general when you can't even predict what's going to happen in the next hour. Worrying isn't going to extend our life by even a minute, and the burden for each day is heavy to carry as it is, so why worry so far ahead? 

I pray for more faith and for Him to continue to grant me peace whenever I feel so disturbed by the chaos of the world. 

Today I also think I am probably more suited for love, regardless of how sometimes I hate myself for showing love/ being unable to unlove people who don't deserve the slightest bit of attention from me. 
I think people generally fear showing their affection bc it puts them at a disadvantage in any two-way relationship. And I think to a certain extent, I've come to have such a fear also? But meeting and talking to Ben's gf today, helping incoming ssa ppl solve their small problems, and even serving a bit of my nutella cheesecake to the kind neighbors who lent me their stools for the briefing just now, made me feel pretty good. 
Maybe when you're always focused on myself, your problems and all, you end up very self-centred and unhappy, but when you focus on others and focus on giving, on loving, the world really becomes a better place. It feels good to care a little bit, although I know I shouldn't do too much or even try now hahaha.

(Actually last week I tried to talk to this new girl in church who's pretty similar to me in some ways e.g. teaches piano, who my mom was like desperate to introduce me to. After conversing for a while we both realized we are/were Mr K's students (i guess i technically still am but she quit already). 
Then she was saying she quit his class bc he screamed at her every week and she cried every lesson, so my mom told her that I cried only once and she didnt think he made me cry other than that time; I told her I had very productive lessons with him and he's a dam good teacher. When my mom walked away, she just turned to me and said, "Do yknow why Mr K didn't scold you? (Dun rmb if she said 'I think') He only scolds people who he sees potential in." 
I was left feeling soo awkward + mouthdrop lost moment + dk how to continue the convo although IDK, it might have been true? (then again, I finished my dip perf in 2014 and she's taking hers this year and we're the same age, so who is she to tell me about potential.....?) I felt like turning around and walking away but then she continued talking to me about pieces I played for my dipABRSM yearssss ago (4 years now??). Then when I said the wrong number (I think i said Op 118 for Mozart when it was for Brahms and Mozart was K570) she was like "are you sure?? Why would Mr K let you play K570 too??" 

So today I just dodged her a lot and I guess I might have rubbed off some coldness on her bc I was tbh, pretty annoyed/turned off/ lost interest in getting to know or being nice to her. But after church I felt so bugged bc of my attitude to her today..........
I guess this seems like a pretty small thing but it's been bugging me bc like what kind of decent person would do this to you during your first meeting? But i guess I should give her a second chance bc she just seems desperate to impress, being new here and all. sigh.
I think I should just say this out and forget about it and just learn how to forgive people although they don't deserve it, bc bearing grudges just makes me a bitter and sad person? 
But then again, the person in church who I reaally dislike/ still don't talk to now (CE) also did a whole string of shit to me that I kept trying to forget, so when I finally decided I was really done with her and told my parents/family/people I disliked her, it became like I was the freakin badass who hates people for no reason bc I couldn't really recall all the details of the strings of shit she did to me over that period of time BC each time I tried to just "forgive and forget". zzzzzzzzz sadgry. forget it. dun learn from me and see Christians in a negative light just bc I'm a bad example and follower of Christ.

Sigh ok I should just learn to forgive and forget bc God says so. sigh. I bet I seem dam bipolar to my frenemies bc they can't tell whether I love or hate them. I don't blame them bc I can't even tell myself. 
Ok end of story sorry for the rant. ) 

ANW. I hope and I feel that I will continue to get better! Just wanted to give thanks today for every good thing that has happened these 2 weeks and remind myself of how close I felt to God today after a pretty long time. Going to hold on and hopefully start climbing back up/stop backsliding close to Him.

Ending off with this song that dad's listening/singing to now:

你爱永不变  从今直到永远
深深浇灌我心田
或天璇或地砖
经沧海历桑田
都不能叫我与你爱隔绝




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MiL EniledA.
an average 14-year old;
Wishes come true on 30 Jan;
Taonannite 2006-2009, BiCEPer 2007-2009, NYgirl 2010-2011;
adeline30197@hotmail.com.

Wants.
God. True Friends. Family. Love. Care. Health. Happiness. Simplicity. Peace. Everything to be okay.

Her Thoughts | Her Words | Friends | Friends | Friends

轻轻听，我要轻轻听，
我要侧耳听主声音。
轻轻听，他在轻轻听，
我的牧人认得我声音。

你是大牧者，生命的主宰，
我一生只听随主声音。
你是大牧者，生命的主宰，
我的牧人认得我声音。

Taking a break from CSI and just wanted to say that I'm feeling much, much better.
Daddy's listening to/singing Christian music on youtube while working at the dining area and mommy's marking by the sofa. 
Life isn't perfect yet and I still don't feel fully recovered (i.e. thought of going back in 3 weeks leaves me feeling worse than terrible), but other than that I'm feeling better.
In the past two weeks, I've received a lot of love hahaha and I feel increasingly ready to face people (maybe not the world yet)
Thankful to lyj and my parents + bro (and his pretty cute gf who's been to pku and bought a soft toy there HAHAHA). The JB trip was dam funny + fun, filled with stupid shit and lots and lots of breakthroughs haha. Jc classmates are not people I would trust completely due to certain conflict of interests (like in prev post?), but thankful to have met up with them and go back to simple jc times haha. I think in a school as complicated and intelligent as mine, my class was really one of the best classes you could have ever asked for because of our simplicity and how people were just really kind. I never really imagined singing in public while walking past many strangers haha but I did just that with them that night and it felt pretty liberating. Dk why I feel so deep 感触 hanging out w them among all the meetups and friends after coming back, esp since I was pretty detached/felt pretty detached/ detached myself back in those days  and that natural high barrier I can't let down ahaha, but yeaa pretty grateful that they brought out some part of me I thought I lost, i think. haha.

I guess in life you can't have it all- you prolly can't be super pretty or super smart and have super high EQ at the same time, neither can you be super popular outside or be a social animal and be super close to your family (bc of the amt of time u have to spend on other people; e.g. sissy).
I'm just glad I have my family and a few friends who I can see accompanying me for the next 5-10 years, cross fingers no unfortunate events or anything else happens. 
And having so damn little courage to face new people now, I think this is an accomplishment + very satisfying already.

I feel that in the past few weeks, I may have backslided quite much and lost my focus on God, that's why I was worrying like crazy over things that usually are just pretty much at the back of my head, like things I know about but dun care about haha. I guess bc I haven't been really doing devotions since after finals so I started to drift further away from God. Idk if I've found him fully already, but the sermons these 2 weeks have really been messages straight to the heart and I actually secretly teared up at random points listening to the sermons. The sermon last Sunday was on 勇敢面对软弱 or sth close by 伟光传道, and it was really apt and amazing considering how the week leading up to that Sunday, I just freaked out over my health and future. The sermon today was on not worrying by Dr Yeoyeo/ 友仁牧师 (he was my mom's sunday school student and a doctor but quit his job to become a pastor and only got ordinated last month, so i'm learning to change names after ~20 years haha; super inspirational figure + life story showing his amazing dedication to God and how he shines for God). I liked his CALM acronym and reminder from God that nothing in the world can shake me if God is within me. Also the part about seeking His will first before anything else, and worrying about just one day at a time. This was the scripture passage today for his sermon:

你们看天上的飞鸟，也不种，也不收，也不积蓄在仓里，你们的天父尚且养活它。你们不比飞鸟贵重得多吗？
你们哪一个能用思虑使寿数多加一刻呢？
何必为衣裳忧虑呢？你想野地里的百合花怎么长起来；它也不劳苦，也不纺线。
然而我告诉你们，就是所罗门极荣华的时候，他所穿戴的，还不如这花一朵呢！
你们这小信的人啊！野地里的草今天还在，明天就丢在炉里，神还是给它这样的妆饰，何况你们呢！
所以，不要忧虑说，吃什么？喝什么？穿什么？
这都是外邦人所求的。你们需用的这一切东西，你们的天父是知道的。
你们要先求他的国和他的义，这些东西都要加给你们了。
所以，不要为明天忧虑，因为明天自有明天的忧虑；一天的难处一天当就够了。
--马太福音 6: 25-34 (Matthew 6:25-34)

I hope that people reading this place have good enough Chinese to manage these hahaha pretty basic...? It's more of a reminder to me to look back in future (I typed the entire chunk of Chinese in attempt to ingrain this passage in my head more) but I hope that even if you're a non-Christian friend or reader who's worrying about something at the moment, that this passage might provide you with some bit of comfort or some truth and logic when you read it. 
TLDR: It's meaningless to worry so much about life in general when you can't even predict what's going to happen in the next hour. Worrying isn't going to extend our life by even a minute, and the burden for each day is heavy to carry as it is, so why worry so far ahead? 

I pray for more faith and for Him to continue to grant me peace whenever I feel so disturbed by the chaos of the world. 

Today I also think I am probably more suited for love, regardless of how sometimes I hate myself for showing love/ being unable to unlove people who don't deserve the slightest bit of attention from me. 
I think people generally fear showing their affection bc it puts them at a disadvantage in any two-way relationship. And I think to a certain extent, I've come to have such a fear also? But meeting and talking to Ben's gf today, helping incoming ssa ppl solve their small problems, and even serving a bit of my nutella cheesecake to the kind neighbors who lent me their stools for the briefing just now, made me feel pretty good. 
Maybe when you're always focused on myself, your problems and all, you end up very self-centred and unhappy, but when you focus on others and focus on giving, on loving, the world really becomes a better place. It feels good to care a little bit, although I know I shouldn't do too much or even try now hahaha.

(Actually last week I tried to talk to this new girl in church who's pretty similar to me in some ways e.g. teaches piano, who my mom was like desperate to introduce me to. After conversing for a while we both realized we are/were Mr K's students (i guess i technically still am but she quit already). 
Then she was saying she quit his class bc he screamed at her every week and she cried every lesson, so my mom told her that I cried only once and she didnt think he made me cry other than that time; I told her I had very productive lessons with him and he's a dam good teacher. When my mom walked away, she just turned to me and said, "Do yknow why Mr K didn't scold you? (Dun rmb if she said 'I think') He only scolds people who he sees potential in." 
I was left feeling soo awkward + mouthdrop lost moment + dk how to continue the convo although IDK, it might have been true? (then again, I finished my dip perf in 2014 and she's taking hers this year and we're the same age, so who is she to tell me about potential.....?) I felt like turning around and walking away but then she continued talking to me about pieces I played for my dipABRSM yearssss ago (4 years now??). Then when I said the wrong number (I think i said Op 118 for Mozart when it was for Brahms and Mozart was K570) she was like "are you sure?? Why would Mr K let you play K570 too??" 

So today I just dodged her a lot and I guess I might have rubbed off some coldness on her bc I was tbh, pretty annoyed/turned off/ lost interest in getting to know or being nice to her. But after church I felt so bugged bc of my attitude to her today..........
I guess this seems like a pretty small thing but it's been bugging me bc like what kind of decent person would do this to you during your first meeting? But i guess I should give her a second chance bc she just seems desperate to impress, being new here and all. sigh.
I think I should just say this out and forget about it and just learn how to forgive people although they don't deserve it, bc bearing grudges just makes me a bitter and sad person? 
But then again, the person in church who I reaally dislike/ still don't talk to now (CE) also did a whole string of shit to me that I kept trying to forget, so when I finally decided I was really done with her and told my parents/family/people I disliked her, it became like I was the freakin badass who hates people for no reason bc I couldn't really recall all the details of the strings of shit she did to me over that period of time BC each time I tried to just "forgive and forget". zzzzzzzzz sadgry. forget it. dun learn from me and see Christians in a negative light just bc I'm a bad example and follower of Christ.

Sigh ok I should just learn to forgive and forget bc God says so. sigh. I bet I seem dam bipolar to my frenemies bc they can't tell whether I love or hate them. I don't blame them bc I can't even tell myself. 
Ok end of story sorry for the rant. ) 

ANW. I hope and I feel that I will continue to get better! Just wanted to give thanks today for every good thing that has happened these 2 weeks and remind myself of how close I felt to God today after a pretty long time. Going to hold on and hopefully start climbing back up/stop backsliding close to Him.

Ending off with this song that dad's listening/singing to now:

你爱永不变  从今直到永远
深深浇灌我心田
或天璇或地砖
经沧海历桑田
都不能叫我与你爱隔绝




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