Forgive, because the biggest beneficiary of your forgiveness can only be you.

Recently I've been struggling with forgiveness.

With people who I've been unable to fully forgive for years,

And even with those who I've only met for less than a year.

There are some who come with long history and too many details for me to tell, and others that are too petty for me to mention. But this one affected me quite a lot, and happened pretty recently during my real holiday this summer in Kazakhstan.

That snr then sent me an essay-long text later that night to apologize for all the nastiness but earlier on blocked me from his/her acct so I won't see the public post, but that's what made me upset/ angry?

I mean, let's just do things 光明正大-ly. I've never rlly trusted ppl who always 隐隐藏藏 or dare to do something but dun dare to admit. If I were to rage about someone in public, I'd let the person know bc hey, the target audience is You. Right? So if someone wants to rage publicly about you but block you, why not just tell you straight in the face?

That was one of the most horrific moments I've had this year, bc I actually have a public image to uphold with the posts I hold in the community as well as that of my character. I actually spent that afternoon crying in the dorm secretly (bc e 2 roomies were in) and lyj had to talk to me over the phone for a good ~20mins while we were shopping at the mall later that night, just to make sure I was better. (We hardly ever video or voice call since sec3 unless one of us got in deep shit bc we are both awkward birds). Thankfully guys, the nightmare is over bc that person graduated and I prolly don't ever have to see him/her again, but #scarredforlife is real bc I can't stop replaying that day in my head and the random bursts of apprehensiveness or even anger I felt. And also I didn't tell many ppl about it, but one of the ppl I told said not to worry, because others can see for themselves what my real character is like. I may be freaking blur and stupid sometimes, but there are some things that I would never intentionally do. So I shouldn't let others' comments of me affect what I feel about myself. But back to my apprehension: 

Why do people always think that it's ok to hurt someone, say sorry, then go back to treating them like shit and expect them to accept it? Am I supposed to be a guilt-free hotline or sth? 

In times like this, I start to feel so negative, guarded and skeptical of humans again, and I hate this feeling. Can i walk away? Sometimes I get to (like aforementioned eg), sometimes I can't. Can I choose to not forgive and be done? No, bc God says to forgive and idk if I've actually managed to really h8 someone. 

(Context: actually ya I talked about this topic bc sth similar but on a much much lower scale happened today again and the apology shit started Again. So dun worry. If that was a scale 10 this is a scale 1) 

I read an article about three weeks ago when I first came back and my emotions/ wounds were really raw. I tried explaining it to lyj and her comment was pretty simple/innocent, so I hope anyone reading this doesn't get that wrong idea. The article was about 10 signs that you hate yourself (I'll put them up below later), and that made me feel like I think I really hate myself quite a lot, whether or not I want to? But lyj was pretty cute and she just said "Dun hate yourself ok" and I guess it's understandable? But idk I feel like it's not a choice? Idw to. If I could, I want to love myself like most other normal people my age do and feel so super proud to be me, but I can hardly feel so atm bc I'm so gross and weird and... "Sensi".

((Then again, idk if I'm being too confident of myself bc sometimes when im in the wrong frequency, I'll ask myself stuff like "why is it wrong to be sensi?". I think I must be an alien among my age grp ppl to think that way, so thankfully im outta this narrow, confined, pressurizing society for these few years. Think it's win-win for both sides.))

But back to what I said in my last post (am I being very bipolar now I'm sorry), I should learn to Focus on the positives more. For one, I'm glad to be back home on national soil/ homeland for national day. It means pretty much although I'm not usually interested in e parade that we only get to watch at home (lol dad is pretty sad about it and thinks all the tickets go to new prc citizens and a certain politically-sensitive group of ppl bc he tried but didn't get tix in many years, so now he says even if they give him free he also dw go alr). Thankful for live fireworks show from our humble abode and puny balcony, thankful for people who mean a lot to me even though 有悲有喜, and thankful for my really beautiful home and sometimes bipolar fam members though I feel increasingly like a replacement maid. I need to focus on the positives more and get myself out of all the negative dirty feels from bad experiences. That's why when I post stuff on ig/anywhere I try to be more positive and remind myself that I am #blessed instead of raging about others.

For now though, I hope to not feel anymore. Or feel less. Until I'm ready to take on the world. Bc once I let myself overthink by a few mins or feel abit more, the weight of emotions get abit much for me. So I also gotta learn to just handover all these burdens, memories and grudges to God and let Him take them. I will trust in Him and hopefully I feel all better before going back. For now, I just hope that these random word vomits here will be abit therapeutic for the soul and that getting things out will really help people feel better. 

Forgive, because the biggest beneficiary of your forgiveness can only be you.

Recently I've been struggling with forgiveness.

With people who I've been unable to fully forgive for years,

And even with those who I've only met for less than a year.

There are some who come with long history and too many details for me to tell, and others that are too petty for me to mention. But this one affected me quite a lot, and happened pretty recently during my real holiday this summer in Kazakhstan.

That snr then sent me an essay-long text later that night to apologize for all the nastiness but earlier on blocked me from his/her acct so I won't see the public post, but that's what made me upset/ angry?

I mean, let's just do things 光明正大-ly. I've never rlly trusted ppl who always 隐隐藏藏 or dare to do something but dun dare to admit. If I were to rage about someone in public, I'd let the person know bc hey, the target audience is You. Right? So if someone wants to rage publicly about you but block you, why not just tell you straight in the face?

That was one of the most horrific moments I've had this year, bc I actually have a public image to uphold with the posts I hold in the community as well as that of my character. I actually spent that afternoon crying in the dorm secretly (bc e 2 roomies were in) and lyj had to talk to me over the phone for a good ~20mins while we were shopping at the mall later that night, just to make sure I was better. (We hardly ever video or voice call since sec3 unless one of us got in deep shit bc we are both awkward birds). Thankfully guys, the nightmare is over bc that person graduated and I prolly don't ever have to see him/her again, but #scarredforlife is real bc I can't stop replaying that day in my head and the random bursts of apprehensiveness or even anger I felt. And also I didn't tell many ppl about it, but one of the ppl I told said not to worry, because others can see for themselves what my real character is like. I may be freaking blur and stupid sometimes, but there are some things that I would never intentionally do. So I shouldn't let others' comments of me affect what I feel about myself. But back to my apprehension: 

Why do people always think that it's ok to hurt someone, say sorry, then go back to treating them like shit and expect them to accept it? Am I supposed to be a guilt-free hotline or sth? 

In times like this, I start to feel so negative, guarded and skeptical of humans again, and I hate this feeling. Can i walk away? Sometimes I get to (like aforementioned eg), sometimes I can't. Can I choose to not forgive and be done? No, bc God says to forgive and idk if I've actually managed to really h8 someone. 

(Context: actually ya I talked about this topic bc sth similar but on a much much lower scale happened today again and the apology shit started Again. So dun worry. If that was a scale 10 this is a scale 1) 

I read an article about three weeks ago when I first came back and my emotions/ wounds were really raw. I tried explaining it to lyj and her comment was pretty simple/innocent, so I hope anyone reading this doesn't get that wrong idea. The article was about 10 signs that you hate yourself (I'll put them up below later), and that made me feel like I think I really hate myself quite a lot, whether or not I want to? But lyj was pretty cute and she just said "Dun hate yourself ok" and I guess it's understandable? But idk I feel like it's not a choice? Idw to. If I could, I want to love myself like most other normal people my age do and feel so super proud to be me, but I can hardly feel so atm bc I'm so gross and weird and... "Sensi".

((Then again, idk if I'm being too confident of myself bc sometimes when im in the wrong frequency, I'll ask myself stuff like "why is it wrong to be sensi?". I think I must be an alien among my age grp ppl to think that way, so thankfully im outta this narrow, confined, pressurizing society for these few years. Think it's win-win for both sides.))

But back to what I said in my last post (am I being very bipolar now I'm sorry), I should learn to Focus on the positives more. For one, I'm glad to be back home on national soil/ homeland for national day. It means pretty much although I'm not usually interested in e parade that we only get to watch at home (lol dad is pretty sad about it and thinks all the tickets go to new prc citizens and a certain politically-sensitive group of ppl bc he tried but didn't get tix in many years, so now he says even if they give him free he also dw go alr). Thankful for live fireworks show from our humble abode and puny balcony, thankful for people who mean a lot to me even though 有悲有喜, and thankful for my really beautiful home and sometimes bipolar fam members though I feel increasingly like a replacement maid. I need to focus on the positives more and get myself out of all the negative dirty feels from bad experiences. That's why when I post stuff on ig/anywhere I try to be more positive and remind myself that I am #blessed instead of raging about others.

For now though, I hope to not feel anymore. Or feel less. Until I'm ready to take on the world. Bc once I let myself overthink by a few mins or feel abit more, the weight of emotions get abit much for me. So I also gotta learn to just handover all these burdens, memories and grudges to God and let Him take them. I will trust in Him and hopefully I feel all better before going back. For now, I just hope that these random word vomits here will be abit therapeutic for the soul and that getting things out will really help people feel better.