1. Giants

The week before finals, I felt like I was constantly tempted and attacked by Satan. I guess because it was a stressful period, my mental strength was weaker so he could infiltrate my head w loads of self-doubt and negativity. I started thinking things like:

Why did God create me to be like that- fat, ugly, weird, gross, bad personality etc? Why do i have no friends?  

It was a bad week bc everyone was busy studying and I was busy fighting these overwhelming emotions and thoughts. It came to a point where I nearly 

wanted to give up- not in the suicidal “idw to live anymore” way cos no matter what, i will try to live my life to the fullest, appreciate it and look on the bright side when I’m well alive. 

But it was more like “God, if you dun have a special purpose for my existence, if I’m only going to be a burden/weird unfitting soul here, please just bring me home earlier.”

Then things started to change when I prayed and surrendered everything to Him every morning before I began my day. 

On Friday, after a paper, G came up to me and gave me a box of minion mints. For some reason, I felt that it was God telling me strongly, that there are people who care about me. 

On Sat: i mugged with jy, one of my closest friends in bj, and coincidentally she gave me the same minion mints (diff flavour/design ahaha) among other random small gifts and it felt like a reinforcement of God’s message that there are people who care about me. 

People in sg/bj randomly texted me and checked in on me, even though i didn’t have time to explain the crazy emotional storms i was going through. 

On Sun: i stayed out to mug the whole night, and continued to 8pm the next day while going to church in between. Church ppl were so excited for me that i was going home that week, though it meant that they wouldn’t have a pianist for service for a long time. when i went back to dorm that night, i saw a motivational letter under my room door from sym, and couldn't stop smiling bc it arrived at a super apt time. 

I don’t think these were mere coincidences, bc i truly felt like i was constantly fighting satan and negative thoughts whenever my mind wandered from studies. I’m just thankful that God was in control, and everything (the love and care from people around me) fell into place at the exact right time. It's like how they say that God won’t throw you battles greater than you can’t take. 

I also learnt that though i don't have many friends, it's irresponsible and wrong to say sth so heavy like having no friends or no one who cares, bc some people care about me way more than I deserve.

I felt like I had to share this experience, though most of you reading this probably aren't Christians, because these two weeks strengthened my faith in Him, taught me to humble myself and handover the steering wheel to Him.    

2. This summer, i will learn to love myself more. 

I will learn to say no to people/voice my honest opinions and stop feeling bad for doing so.

I will try to post pics/posts of me and not be ashamed of myself, even if no one likes them.

How weird am I? The recent yn trip made me lose so much faith in myself and even wonder why my true friends like me. Im glad to be done with it, and pretty glad that i made myself survive through all the emotional stress. It felt really terrible being amongst judgemental and sometimes fake ppl who are just desperate to get the approval of/ please other judgemental people. In that sense, I’m glad that even though I’m weird and i have few friends, my friends like me bc I’m me, and these people have been around to ground parts of me while I grow and change, so I dun fall to the dark side. 

Still, regardless of whether ppl are nasty to me bc I’m weird or nice to me bc they wanna feel good about themselves, I will learn to be nice to them, not bc they deserve it, but because I respect and love myself as a fellow human.

(and also bc it will just reflect their true personalities someday haha) 

But then again.. why do i always feel weird/bad on group trips? I didn’t feel very emotionally prepared (lol actually physically too) for the yn trip and maybe even the Kazakhstan trip now (bc of bad experiences the last time) but so far Almaty and the companions have been good. (Mb bc yn was so bad that this feels so good ahaha). I think the only ppl I feel comfortable traveling with so far was w lepak in hk and yj to batam (haha that’s pair not group trip). 

Am I an over self-centred spoilt brat or why isit so hard to get along w some people? Sometimes i wish someone would just tell me what’s wrong with me. A once-close friend from 4 years ago told me that it’s bc i try too hard? 

Irdk how to play this social game- you can’t try too hard but you can’t not try? Is there a guide to life?

Regardless of how terrible a person I am, I've decided that the last bit of love and respect I will keep for myself should be to never travel with people who i don’t feel comfy with again- people who don't actually listen to/ask for your opinions or even care about your exietence; who don't care if you are struggling to carry your 20+kg baggage up 4 flights of stairs or even just stop to wait. I won't waste time, energy, money and emotions with people who I'm a burden to and who don’t add value to my life or existence; people who make me question my existence, and make me feel more stressed than relaxed when i paid to go on a holiday; people who make me get nightmares about being left behind/ out 4-5 days after I'm done with them. I can't really believe that I have 3 more years to go w em and how I will survive, and that's like The Ultimate 绝望 feeling, but I guess I'll learn to manage and balance love for them and for myself? 

I recently got slightly closer to someone and we’ve been sharing deeper stuff about our lives with each other. That person commented one day, “why do i feel like you have been bullied a lot?” 

I haven’t actually thought about my life that way before- i thought that/ sometimes still think that something must be wrong with me for others to treat me that way. but looking back and facing reality, i guess the brutal truth seems like, yes i might have been. more than once, by more than one. Still, I guess it has just taught me to be nice to others even when I feel that they dun deserve it, bc I dun think I want anyone to ever have to feel what I felt.

At the same time, I will learn to love myself more, bc i guess if I don't love me or treat myself right, I can’t expect anyone else to.

3. I miss my unguarded heart.

The heart that wasn’t wary of others’ motives. I find it harder and harder to trust people around me, esp people who like to hang out with someone whom you have witnessed hurt others and hurt you. Idk if what they see is me, or if its a portrait of me painted by someone else. Idk how some ppl can claim to be your friend but friend someone else who has hurt you? Bc I'd feel so uncomfortable being friends with someone if I know that they had hurt my friend or anyone close to me- I guess that's also another reason why I never could've fully trusted.... But I guess I need to stop thinking that everyone around me has motives- im afraid that i might become a paranoid hitler or stalin. Anw I really hope that next sem will be better without/ with less copying and hopefully less stress in a cold room ahaha.  

4. In other news

Life without a domestic helper has been pretty crazy. even ym commented when she came over that my house felt really empty without my helper bustling about and walking around the hse to do housework. i miss her very much, but i’m learning to be stronger and more independent. I’ve helped to sweep the floor, wash dishes and cups (omg i rlly hate it when i just finish washing cups then sissy comes to drink water and leaves another cup there again),  hang laundry, clean the toilet hair, pick up hair from the sink for my annoying sissy and a lot more. I guess i shouldn’t be complaining bc i know i’m privileged to have had a maid since i was born, but i guess i need more time to adapt. cleaning up in china hasn’t been a problem bc i know that i have to do it and its a bobian thing. but i really wanted to go home to enjoy my holiday haha i guess i can still do so, just gotta make sure that everything at home is clean and orderly! and i feel scared asking friends over to our place now bc there isn’t helen to clean up, sigh. i guess the stress comes from not wanting to let my dad tank all the house chores? bc he works so hard and he’s really ok doing housework since he’s the one who doesn’t wanna get another maid, but which child would bear to let their parents tank housework after work..? 

I recently pulled myself out of an "almost rlshp" ahaha now trying to recover from the unsaid goodbyes and any emotional attachments left. I’m glad i did it, bc

1. i’m not ready for one, just look at me now hahah

2. There was an important trait that was missing- someone God-Fearing

Idk if its better to not meet anyone at all or to keep meeting wrong people? Ppl without rlshp experience sometimes seem so envious, but honestly, i’m pretty tired of going through the whole process of meeting someone new, getting close and then becoming strangers again. I’m a lil afraid of all the bad experiences happening again, its like i can see every goodbye coming even before anything happens. idk if it was bad to run away like that this time, but i made myself do it by following the principe of “just let go, and what’s meant to be will eventually be.”

[sn: sometimes i wonder if i torture myself unnecessarily hahaha like forcing myself to eat 3 huge cherry tomatoes when i hate it so much I feel like puking eating it]

I'm trying to be healthy bc my health's been in a terrible state (when you can feel it but ignore it) and I've been neglecting my body for a very long time (i.e. pulling all nighters to study for exams that I eventually still screw up). So although I prolly will still die before 50, I shd try to take better care of myself. 

I'm thinking of changing churches (again) ahaha bc I still feel like I don't belong (even more so after having left for 4 years?) And I feel done trying. Like done. The biggest problem is idk any other place I trust that is close enough to my beliefs to attend instead of this one that I grew up in and where my parents grounded me in? The second prob is that my parents would defo not take it well if i left again, and idw to make them upset/stressed sigh. So I'm left wishing that God can like send me an angel who can accept all my shit and save/ marry me soon so I can 光明正大 leave and not get judged HAHAHAHA sorry guys this is bad belief bc God isn't a genie who grants wishes, but idk what to do anymore haha. Staying in bethel just makes me feel pretty sad and filled w more negative thoughts + self doubt? I hope I dun have to go hide in the toilet again when I go back in a week ahahahahaha (yes on some days, toilet bowls can be your best friend too)

5. Revelations 

idk how to end this post haha bc everything’s pretty much in a mess, like my life is. i’ll just try to get my shit tgt this summer and recover fully so that i can fight harder in beijing next sem and pull up my terrible terrible results. (崩溃 moment when you rlly dk how to study smart and aren't smart) 

Hopefully I'll come back less dark/ emo and more positive in the next post haha but at this point idrc what ppl wanna say about me anymore.

1. Giants

The week before finals, I felt like I was constantly tempted and attacked by Satan. I guess because it was a stressful period, my mental strength was weaker so he could infiltrate my head w loads of self-doubt and negativity. I started thinking things like:

Why did God create me to be like that- fat, ugly, weird, gross, bad personality etc? Why do i have no friends?  

It was a bad week bc everyone was busy studying and I was busy fighting these overwhelming emotions and thoughts. It came to a point where I nearly 

wanted to give up- not in the suicidal “idw to live anymore” way cos no matter what, i will try to live my life to the fullest, appreciate it and look on the bright side when I’m well alive. 

But it was more like “God, if you dun have a special purpose for my existence, if I’m only going to be a burden/weird unfitting soul here, please just bring me home earlier.”

Then things started to change when I prayed and surrendered everything to Him every morning before I began my day. 

On Friday, after a paper, G came up to me and gave me a box of minion mints. For some reason, I felt that it was God telling me strongly, that there are people who care about me. 

On Sat: i mugged with jy, one of my closest friends in bj, and coincidentally she gave me the same minion mints (diff flavour/design ahaha) among other random small gifts and it felt like a reinforcement of God’s message that there are people who care about me. 

People in sg/bj randomly texted me and checked in on me, even though i didn’t have time to explain the crazy emotional storms i was going through. 

On Sun: i stayed out to mug the whole night, and continued to 8pm the next day while going to church in between. Church ppl were so excited for me that i was going home that week, though it meant that they wouldn’t have a pianist for service for a long time. when i went back to dorm that night, i saw a motivational letter under my room door from sym, and couldn't stop smiling bc it arrived at a super apt time. 

I don’t think these were mere coincidences, bc i truly felt like i was constantly fighting satan and negative thoughts whenever my mind wandered from studies. I’m just thankful that God was in control, and everything (the love and care from people around me) fell into place at the exact right time. It's like how they say that God won’t throw you battles greater than you can’t take. 

I also learnt that though i don't have many friends, it's irresponsible and wrong to say sth so heavy like having no friends or no one who cares, bc some people care about me way more than I deserve.

I felt like I had to share this experience, though most of you reading this probably aren't Christians, because these two weeks strengthened my faith in Him, taught me to humble myself and handover the steering wheel to Him.    

2. This summer, i will learn to love myself more. 

I will learn to say no to people/voice my honest opinions and stop feeling bad for doing so.

I will try to post pics/posts of me and not be ashamed of myself, even if no one likes them.

How weird am I? The recent yn trip made me lose so much faith in myself and even wonder why my true friends like me. Im glad to be done with it, and pretty glad that i made myself survive through all the emotional stress. It felt really terrible being amongst judgemental and sometimes fake ppl who are just desperate to get the approval of/ please other judgemental people. In that sense, I’m glad that even though I’m weird and i have few friends, my friends like me bc I’m me, and these people have been around to ground parts of me while I grow and change, so I dun fall to the dark side. 

Still, regardless of whether ppl are nasty to me bc I’m weird or nice to me bc they wanna feel good about themselves, I will learn to be nice to them, not bc they deserve it, but because I respect and love myself as a fellow human.

(and also bc it will just reflect their true personalities someday haha) 

But then again.. why do i always feel weird/bad on group trips? I didn’t feel very emotionally prepared (lol actually physically too) for the yn trip and maybe even the Kazakhstan trip now (bc of bad experiences the last time) but so far Almaty and the companions have been good. (Mb bc yn was so bad that this feels so good ahaha). I think the only ppl I feel comfortable traveling with so far was w lepak in hk and yj to batam (haha that’s pair not group trip). 

Am I an over self-centred spoilt brat or why isit so hard to get along w some people? Sometimes i wish someone would just tell me what’s wrong with me. A once-close friend from 4 years ago told me that it’s bc i try too hard? 

Irdk how to play this social game- you can’t try too hard but you can’t not try? Is there a guide to life?

Regardless of how terrible a person I am, I've decided that the last bit of love and respect I will keep for myself should be to never travel with people who i don’t feel comfy with again- people who don't actually listen to/ask for your opinions or even care about your exietence; who don't care if you are struggling to carry your 20+kg baggage up 4 flights of stairs or even just stop to wait. I won't waste time, energy, money and emotions with people who I'm a burden to and who don’t add value to my life or existence; people who make me question my existence, and make me feel more stressed than relaxed when i paid to go on a holiday; people who make me get nightmares about being left behind/ out 4-5 days after I'm done with them. I can't really believe that I have 3 more years to go w em and how I will survive, and that's like The Ultimate 绝望 feeling, but I guess I'll learn to manage and balance love for them and for myself? 

I recently got slightly closer to someone and we’ve been sharing deeper stuff about our lives with each other. That person commented one day, “why do i feel like you have been bullied a lot?” 

I haven’t actually thought about my life that way before- i thought that/ sometimes still think that something must be wrong with me for others to treat me that way. but looking back and facing reality, i guess the brutal truth seems like, yes i might have been. more than once, by more than one. Still, I guess it has just taught me to be nice to others even when I feel that they dun deserve it, bc I dun think I want anyone to ever have to feel what I felt.

At the same time, I will learn to love myself more, bc i guess if I don't love me or treat myself right, I can’t expect anyone else to.

3. I miss my unguarded heart.

The heart that wasn’t wary of others’ motives. I find it harder and harder to trust people around me, esp people who like to hang out with someone whom you have witnessed hurt others and hurt you. Idk if what they see is me, or if its a portrait of me painted by someone else. Idk how some ppl can claim to be your friend but friend someone else who has hurt you? Bc I'd feel so uncomfortable being friends with someone if I know that they had hurt my friend or anyone close to me- I guess that's also another reason why I never could've fully trusted.... But I guess I need to stop thinking that everyone around me has motives- im afraid that i might become a paranoid hitler or stalin. Anw I really hope that next sem will be better without/ with less copying and hopefully less stress in a cold room ahaha.  

4. In other news

Life without a domestic helper has been pretty crazy. even ym commented when she came over that my house felt really empty without my helper bustling about and walking around the hse to do housework. i miss her very much, but i’m learning to be stronger and more independent. I’ve helped to sweep the floor, wash dishes and cups (omg i rlly hate it when i just finish washing cups then sissy comes to drink water and leaves another cup there again),  hang laundry, clean the toilet hair, pick up hair from the sink for my annoying sissy and a lot more. I guess i shouldn’t be complaining bc i know i’m privileged to have had a maid since i was born, but i guess i need more time to adapt. cleaning up in china hasn’t been a problem bc i know that i have to do it and its a bobian thing. but i really wanted to go home to enjoy my holiday haha i guess i can still do so, just gotta make sure that everything at home is clean and orderly! and i feel scared asking friends over to our place now bc there isn’t helen to clean up, sigh. i guess the stress comes from not wanting to let my dad tank all the house chores? bc he works so hard and he’s really ok doing housework since he’s the one who doesn’t wanna get another maid, but which child would bear to let their parents tank housework after work..? 

I recently pulled myself out of an "almost rlshp" ahaha now trying to recover from the unsaid goodbyes and any emotional attachments left. I’m glad i did it, bc

1. i’m not ready for one, just look at me now hahah

2. There was an important trait that was missing- someone God-Fearing

Idk if its better to not meet anyone at all or to keep meeting wrong people? Ppl without rlshp experience sometimes seem so envious, but honestly, i’m pretty tired of going through the whole process of meeting someone new, getting close and then becoming strangers again. I’m a lil afraid of all the bad experiences happening again, its like i can see every goodbye coming even before anything happens. idk if it was bad to run away like that this time, but i made myself do it by following the principe of “just let go, and what’s meant to be will eventually be.”

[sn: sometimes i wonder if i torture myself unnecessarily hahaha like forcing myself to eat 3 huge cherry tomatoes when i hate it so much I feel like puking eating it]

I'm trying to be healthy bc my health's been in a terrible state (when you can feel it but ignore it) and I've been neglecting my body for a very long time (i.e. pulling all nighters to study for exams that I eventually still screw up). So although I prolly will still die before 50, I shd try to take better care of myself. 

I'm thinking of changing churches (again) ahaha bc I still feel like I don't belong (even more so after having left for 4 years?) And I feel done trying. Like done. The biggest problem is idk any other place I trust that is close enough to my beliefs to attend instead of this one that I grew up in and where my parents grounded me in? The second prob is that my parents would defo not take it well if i left again, and idw to make them upset/stressed sigh. So I'm left wishing that God can like send me an angel who can accept all my shit and save/ marry me soon so I can 光明正大 leave and not get judged HAHAHAHA sorry guys this is bad belief bc God isn't a genie who grants wishes, but idk what to do anymore haha. Staying in bethel just makes me feel pretty sad and filled w more negative thoughts + self doubt? I hope I dun have to go hide in the toilet again when I go back in a week ahahahahaha (yes on some days, toilet bowls can be your best friend too)

5. Revelations 

idk how to end this post haha bc everything’s pretty much in a mess, like my life is. i’ll just try to get my shit tgt this summer and recover fully so that i can fight harder in beijing next sem and pull up my terrible terrible results. (崩溃 moment when you rlly dk how to study smart and aren't smart) 

Hopefully I'll come back less dark/ emo and more positive in the next post haha but at this point idrc what ppl wanna say about me anymore.