This was a super long ago song hahaha from back in the days when I really liked that band and their music.

I've been trying to blog for the longest time ever and have been stuck at 1-2 lines each time. I think one of the main reasons why I needed to was because I was around many people, doing non-stop meet ups and- don't get me wrong, I love meeting old friends and catching up on life and laughing a lot, but being the introvert I am, I tend to get very overwhelmed emotionally, maybe abit exhausted, when I don't have the time to slow down and sort out my thoughts but have to keep running around. So I was pretty much in that state while back home, esp towards the end. Pretty glad I got to spend the last weekday in SG with my dearest dad, who took the entire day off to spend time with me (and shopping of all things hahaha ps my dad can't do shopping he gets really angry/ tired after a short while but we shopped for an entire day)!

I guess more comfy and closer friends and family/ people who i don't have to put up any appearances with really can make me feel better, cos I can tell them all the nonsense I want (sometimes positive and sometimes/more often, not) without worrying that they will judge me or that they will get worried or yada yada, cos they know me and they know that I'll get through whatever sh*t I face Hahahaha.

Speaking of which, I guess I've also been abit scared to blog because some people say my blog is depressing??? Hahahaha I really don't intend for it to be that way, in fact, to be honest, I've been trying harder than ever to stay positive in an 80% toxic and negative environment here in bj, and back in SG also trying to smile and look fine cos I don't want ppl to worry about me and life here. 

Yup. If I seem negative I'm truly sorry, but like really, believe me when I say there are worse people out here influencing me with their life outlooks, not in a good way.

Also idk if people feel bad cos they feel guilty about the way they've treated me lol but no I don't intend to guilt trip anyone here HAHA I guess I just can't be responsible for everyone's emotions 24/7? 

There's always the option of not reading this place, I don't know why after 10 years of blogging, (yes I think I started in 2007) I am still bothered by things like that. Sh*t moments when you think youve changed for the better and realize nothing has :)

(Yeah, I need to start minding my language/censoring my words cos my parents scolded me from 4000 miles away during one week's worth of conversation [only 25 mins] about me and my language; I guess it really shows the severity of the issue here /facepalm/) 

Sorry if I'm ranting like there's no tmr but I'm just going to say whatever I can think of and get out whatever I can manage to because idk when the next time my brain will be willing to fund my words. 

I'm always back to these few topics idk whyy but I promise there is more to life than these; if not I hope in a few years time I can see how my definitions and take on each has changed:

1. On pain:

I still don't understand how some people, usually those who are the closest to you, can laugh while hurting the deepest in you;

How some people that you've spent years and years with could just be the most selfish of people who only care about themselves at the end of the day and not spare a thought about others; 

I don't understand how some people who you grew up and went through tons of shit tgt with can call you their friend, but hang out as closest friends with people who have hurt you more than any of them could imagine.

On hindsight, since young, it has always been my fault for being too sensitive whenever I felt hurt. When I grew older, I was taught that human beings all have the right to, and should be treated with dignity. But sometime in between, I guess the lines got blurred and I didn't know when it's my fault/ I should just suck things up and learn to not be sensitive and when I should try to stand up for myself or not allow myself to be humiliated, or treated like sh*t. More often than not, trying to stand up for myself, trying to tell someone about it, trying to say no has just resulted in more faults of me being revealed. And more often than not, I end up feeling very guilty afterwards for getting angry/upset at the way others have treated me. 

So sometimes, the deepest of wounds can't be seen, but it doesn't mean that they don't exist. 

And sometimes, pain will change people in more ways than you could imagine. (Or in my case, if u feel that I haven't changed at all, it's just because it's me and the life failure that I am lollol) 

(AN: ok, that being said, I know some parts of me are really dam intolerable and I am not an angel/perfect so some things I deserve also cos two ways; and no I'm not trying to sound pathetic hahaha I just need to versblize some things that I feel inside. I am not 可怜 or anything pls)

2. On letting go:

I'm still trying to let go (Isit I say this every single time lol) but I really am trying. Because my brain already knows that I should, and my heart wants to accept and forgive, but sometimes some things just can't be forgotten so easily and so readily.

But I know that one day I will.

Let go, because the only person all this will affect is me. And these feelings will only eat me up and kill me inside the longer they stay in me. 

Let go, because I really care about them, the ones who call me their friend and act otherwise, and (loser as this sounds,) i want them to be as happy as they can be, even if it's not with me. 

Let go, because there isn't a point holding grudges with people we know when there are enough people hating on other people in this small world. 

3. On love

I've realized that I am very much loved. Definitely not by the whole world (after all, to quote a prof, "我又不是钞票，怎么可能让大家都喜欢我”), but by a small group of people who I've learnt to rely on and to ask for help from when I need to. 

I've learnt that no one will stay in your life forever (and that seriously sucks because I'm really pretty scared of getting too/ close to pretty much anyone not alr in my puny circle now), but there are a few who can and will appreciate and love you at your worst, a few who will stick as close as the toilet cubicle right next door when you need to hide from the world in the toilet and a few most resilient souls who will not give up on you even if you want to give up on yourself. 

I can never thank true friends enough, or be grateful enough for them. I really do appreciate having y'all around, and I'm sure you know it (: (in case ppl wanna say that I don't realize the presence of my friends/ take them for granted/ dk what sh*t again)

I've also learnt that you can only love others when you are loved. 

It was a realization only after I came here and saw that some people really are not able to love well even if they want to, because they haven't received love and don't know what it's like. 

So I learnt that the ones who seem most unlovable or do mean things are probably the ones I should forgive more and show more love to, since I receive/have received a lot of (undeserving) love and care

I've learnt not to take the love I receive for granted. From friends, and from my parents who are honestly honestly, the best parents I could ask for. (I always feel like an only child even though I have 2 other annoying siblings, and I think the 3 of us are all so spoilt that our acquaintances would think of each of us as only childs) 

Yeahhh, one day my roommate did remind me that I am really lucky because I have so much love from my parents to keep me grounded. Not only from them, but from friends who help me get by with difficult life and difficult people here (yellow riding hood will be my new classic hehehe (:), and most importantly, from God, the only one, who won't leave me even when every single other human in my life eventually will. That assurance, and His company and love through the walk of life, is my strongest foundation, rock and pillar to ground me amidst all the uncertainties and changes in life.

That's why, He is the best role model for me to learn from, that's why I am learning to love others regardless of the way they treat me, and that's why I am learning to let go. 

With that, I think I finished saying everything I can think of already hahahha sorry for all the ramblings and negativity, if there's any feedback u might have for me please just tell me in my face or leave it in the comments box for anonymity (I forgot what the hip term was in pri sch- tag box? Chat box? Omg I'm old lol)
ok byee stay strong friends and let's continue to become better versions of ourselves. I believe in you, so believe in yourself! You are amazing (not only because you read all the way till here :p) and someone loves you very much (: 

 

 

 

 

  

Sad because I can't goooo but mrk certainly wants me to attend one in future; my plans still KIV hahahaha 

 

 

This was a super long ago song hahaha from back in the days when I really liked that band and their music.

I've been trying to blog for the longest time ever and have been stuck at 1-2 lines each time. I think one of the main reasons why I needed to was because I was around many people, doing non-stop meet ups and- don't get me wrong, I love meeting old friends and catching up on life and laughing a lot, but being the introvert I am, I tend to get very overwhelmed emotionally, maybe abit exhausted, when I don't have the time to slow down and sort out my thoughts but have to keep running around. So I was pretty much in that state while back home, esp towards the end. Pretty glad I got to spend the last weekday in SG with my dearest dad, who took the entire day off to spend time with me (and shopping of all things hahaha ps my dad can't do shopping he gets really angry/ tired after a short while but we shopped for an entire day)!

I guess more comfy and closer friends and family/ people who i don't have to put up any appearances with really can make me feel better, cos I can tell them all the nonsense I want (sometimes positive and sometimes/more often, not) without worrying that they will judge me or that they will get worried or yada yada, cos they know me and they know that I'll get through whatever sh*t I face Hahahaha.

Speaking of which, I guess I've also been abit scared to blog because some people say my blog is depressing??? Hahahaha I really don't intend for it to be that way, in fact, to be honest, I've been trying harder than ever to stay positive in an 80% toxic and negative environment here in bj, and back in SG also trying to smile and look fine cos I don't want ppl to worry about me and life here. 

Yup. If I seem negative I'm truly sorry, but like really, believe me when I say there are worse people out here influencing me with their life outlooks, not in a good way.

Also idk if people feel bad cos they feel guilty about the way they've treated me lol but no I don't intend to guilt trip anyone here HAHA I guess I just can't be responsible for everyone's emotions 24/7? 

There's always the option of not reading this place, I don't know why after 10 years of blogging, (yes I think I started in 2007) I am still bothered by things like that. Sh*t moments when you think youve changed for the better and realize nothing has :)

(Yeah, I need to start minding my language/censoring my words cos my parents scolded me from 4000 miles away during one week's worth of conversation [only 25 mins] about me and my language; I guess it really shows the severity of the issue here /facepalm/) 

Sorry if I'm ranting like there's no tmr but I'm just going to say whatever I can think of and get out whatever I can manage to because idk when the next time my brain will be willing to fund my words. 

I'm always back to these few topics idk whyy but I promise there is more to life than these; if not I hope in a few years time I can see how my definitions and take on each has changed:

1. On pain:

I still don't understand how some people, usually those who are the closest to you, can laugh while hurting the deepest in you;

How some people that you've spent years and years with could just be the most selfish of people who only care about themselves at the end of the day and not spare a thought about others; 

I don't understand how some people who you grew up and went through tons of shit tgt with can call you their friend, but hang out as closest friends with people who have hurt you more than any of them could imagine.

On hindsight, since young, it has always been my fault for being too sensitive whenever I felt hurt. When I grew older, I was taught that human beings all have the right to, and should be treated with dignity. But sometime in between, I guess the lines got blurred and I didn't know when it's my fault/ I should just suck things up and learn to not be sensitive and when I should try to stand up for myself or not allow myself to be humiliated, or treated like sh*t. More often than not, trying to stand up for myself, trying to tell someone about it, trying to say no has just resulted in more faults of me being revealed. And more often than not, I end up feeling very guilty afterwards for getting angry/upset at the way others have treated me. 

So sometimes, the deepest of wounds can't be seen, but it doesn't mean that they don't exist. 

And sometimes, pain will change people in more ways than you could imagine. (Or in my case, if u feel that I haven't changed at all, it's just because it's me and the life failure that I am lollol) 

(AN: ok, that being said, I know some parts of me are really dam intolerable and I am not an angel/perfect so some things I deserve also cos two ways; and no I'm not trying to sound pathetic hahaha I just need to versblize some things that I feel inside. I am not 可怜 or anything pls)

2. On letting go:

I'm still trying to let go (Isit I say this every single time lol) but I really am trying. Because my brain already knows that I should, and my heart wants to accept and forgive, but sometimes some things just can't be forgotten so easily and so readily.

But I know that one day I will.

Let go, because the only person all this will affect is me. And these feelings will only eat me up and kill me inside the longer they stay in me. 

Let go, because I really care about them, the ones who call me their friend and act otherwise, and (loser as this sounds,) i want them to be as happy as they can be, even if it's not with me. 

Let go, because there isn't a point holding grudges with people we know when there are enough people hating on other people in this small world. 

3. On love

I've realized that I am very much loved. Definitely not by the whole world (after all, to quote a prof, "我又不是钞票，怎么可能让大家都喜欢我”), but by a small group of people who I've learnt to rely on and to ask for help from when I need to. 

I've learnt that no one will stay in your life forever (and that seriously sucks because I'm really pretty scared of getting too/ close to pretty much anyone not alr in my puny circle now), but there are a few who can and will appreciate and love you at your worst, a few who will stick as close as the toilet cubicle right next door when you need to hide from the world in the toilet and a few most resilient souls who will not give up on you even if you want to give up on yourself. 

I can never thank true friends enough, or be grateful enough for them. I really do appreciate having y'all around, and I'm sure you know it (: (in case ppl wanna say that I don't realize the presence of my friends/ take them for granted/ dk what sh*t again)

I've also learnt that you can only love others when you are loved. 

It was a realization only after I came here and saw that some people really are not able to love well even if they want to, because they haven't received love and don't know what it's like. 

So I learnt that the ones who seem most unlovable or do mean things are probably the ones I should forgive more and show more love to, since I receive/have received a lot of (undeserving) love and care

I've learnt not to take the love I receive for granted. From friends, and from my parents who are honestly honestly, the best parents I could ask for. (I always feel like an only child even though I have 2 other annoying siblings, and I think the 3 of us are all so spoilt that our acquaintances would think of each of us as only childs) 

Yeahhh, one day my roommate did remind me that I am really lucky because I have so much love from my parents to keep me grounded. Not only from them, but from friends who help me get by with difficult life and difficult people here (yellow riding hood will be my new classic hehehe (:), and most importantly, from God, the only one, who won't leave me even when every single other human in my life eventually will. That assurance, and His company and love through the walk of life, is my strongest foundation, rock and pillar to ground me amidst all the uncertainties and changes in life.

That's why, He is the best role model for me to learn from, that's why I am learning to love others regardless of the way they treat me, and that's why I am learning to let go. 

With that, I think I finished saying everything I can think of already hahahha sorry for all the ramblings and negativity, if there's any feedback u might have for me please just tell me in my face or leave it in the comments box for anonymity (I forgot what the hip term was in pri sch- tag box? Chat box? Omg I'm old lol)
ok byee stay strong friends and let's continue to become better versions of ourselves. I believe in you, so believe in yourself! You are amazing (not only because you read all the way till here :p) and someone loves you very much (: 

 

 

 

 

  

Sad because I can't goooo but mrk certainly wants me to attend one in future; my plans still KIV hahahaha