29/3 哎呀
Wednesday, March 29, 2017 | 3/29/2017 01:55:00 AM | 0 comments
#np 哎呀-李荣浩
Hello, time for some updates because so much has happened in my life in the past 3 weeks, every week has gotten more dramatic than the last, and I am abit overwhelmed.
I realized that it's hard for me to bring up deep stuff in the face to people unless I trust that person super lot to show my rawest feelings or the thing has already passed and I've accepted it hahaha so don't feel bad if you've missed out on sth.
1.
Recently some stuff happened at home, it messed everyone up (maybe except sissy cos she blissfully gives 0 shit about the fam) and even me from here.
Last week I was made to accept from here that I had to deal with a goodbye after 16 years, and I did it alone. So I spent one day (I rmb it was a thurs cos no class) studying at my desk and wiping tears that randomly escaped with every extra non-academic thought, while simultaneously trying to support one of my closest friends in supporting her friends who broke up after one sem. #life
I usually get really really angst/angry with life when shit happens, and that day, I was just feeling like "dude I got no energy to care about a freaking lame uni get-together-to-play-and-be-pops-and-break-up-next-sem when I am dealing with a breakup of 16 years", but I didn't even have the energy to tell her that.
And partly also because if you actually know the kind of shit and drama that happens to me, they tend to be some of the most out of the world things you can think of, so even when I tell people, most of the times friends my age also don't know how to respond and things just get kinda awkward...?
That's why I need/ like to have like older friends, or communicate with more mature people who care about other things and have more experience than makeup, dressing up, clubbing, or you-saw-that-coming-before-it-begun-breakups and idk, because even if they dun know how to respond, they will be there, and things will not get awkward.......
I was also dam angst because the theme of my life has always been goodbyes, and I was just so appalled that I had to accept a goodbye after 16 years and nobody was going to tell me how I was supposed to do that; like how I was supposed to carry on with life like normal after someone who has spent 16 years in my life leaves me.
Thank God, really thank God, today mommy texted me while I was in class, and she told me that it might not happen anymore, that I don't have to deal with goodbyes now. (I didn't even tell them I was upset, I just said that I understood!! But yeah the changes were not cos of me lol #insignificantlimkid #jk) I was so touched and happy I nearly teared up in class again.
I know that everyone will leave us someday, and that eventually I will be left with just me and God, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept it, and I am dreading the eventual goodbye that will come even if it is not now.
For now, I just want to delay every goodbye in my life that I can. I came to uni in China expecting to not get close to anybody because I will leave after 4 years, but idk what is going on here and everyday the more I spend time with the amazing people here, the more I know I will be soooo ruined on the day the goodbyes come. I really thought I'd be an introvert here and living life as a hermit who just goes to sch and back to dorm to watch movies/YouTube.
So I need to thank God because there are amazing people here, but I have a serious phobia of goodbyes and getting close to people now and I need to trust that God will eventually help me learn to deal with it. Meanwhile after today, I think I must put a stop to getting close to more people, because I know how much I will die inside everytime someone leaves, no matter how insignificant.
Sigh!
Aiye but really, I realized that there is so much more to life than uni play-dates and getting burnt, now that I'm no longer confined to a small pond in a little red dot! Life is not always good out here, but I am kinda glad that I took the big step out into my still-not-big world.
2.
Next, I did something crazy last weekend that I still can't really accept/believe, I ran for SG students association (Beijing) hahaha. (Now I get what the seniors meant last weekend when they said "just take this week to let things sink in", cos things are still sinking in/not sunk in yet)
I honestly didn't think of running in the first place until the first-time-ever failed elections happened 3 weeks ago, cos
1. I don't feel v close and bonded to the SG community here (yet?)/ sometimes left out? (But aiya I feel left out everywhere sigh) so I wasn't even interested at first oops
2. I have honestly secretly been living in the shadows of 2014 where I failed at every leadership position I tried for in HC (ok I only tried for 2 haha) and I rlly didn't have the confidence to do stunts like this yet;
But I tried because:
1. I honestly saw that no one seemed to want to do the job and me being me just forever care too much to leave things as they are
2. There are/were things that I really want to change/improve on
3. I can say the sweetest lies during speech but everyone knows that there is definitely more reason/ personal gain involved besides a simple "I want to serve". (I knew that myself the whole time but yet it was only until ytd's first meeting that i realized I was the naive one who believed in it /facepalm/) I didn't really want the title cos I knew it'd be heavy (+politics that I have never been equipped to deal with) and I have quite enough commitments already. To me, coming all the way here, my studies must be no.1 of priorities. But I eventually ran cos I actually just wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone this time round, to stop living in the shadows of hc/2014 and to prove to myself that I can actually do something. Then later on things got more complicated and the room was hot and i admit I made rather rash, not thought-through decisions.
So I ended up getting 2 positions, one of which I have never got, and never thought in my life I would ever get.
It is really a joke. Esp someone like me?? Sigh.
Ok this is the truth still not sinking in you see haha.
Then again, this is also just a white-elephant title that I really don't have to give no shits about, except when ppl also have other commitments and decide that since you have 2 roles then you shd really take on the full load of 2 roles instead of sharing the empty role... )':
I'm not sure why people would like me/trust me to elect me still but..?? Ok give me the rest of this week sigh.
I'm just wondering if this would have any meaning in 50 years to come. I hope it will, and that all these will be worth it.
Idk but I feel that I'm not meant to be a leader because I am too insecure. It's only been a few days but sometimes when I see people/asked someone for help earlier, I feel that the whole world is now watching and just waiting for me to fail...? Yet I know pretty clearly the very few friends who were/have been loyal supporters and are there for me if I need any help. Just never thought that other friends would be like that too. I'm a little worried that people are upset with me because the other candidate did not get elected, and nearly half of the votes went to her too, so there might be half of the voters who dislike me/ possibly upset that I got it instead of her..?
Aiye let's just be bigger people and not worry about shit like that. I know it's impossible to please everybody also! Sorry for ranting off my head but these are my truest feelings that idk who the pong to tell to here w politics that I can't deal with?? And I think my close friends in SG won't be able to offer much help so I shouldn't worry them :/
I'll just listen to one of e best y4 seniors who told me to 脸皮要厚 even in the face of rejection and prof last sem who said "I am not money, how can I possibly please everyone?"
I pray that God will give me wisdom and guide me through this year, I pray that this experience will change me much for the better (such as having dam thick skin after this. Doesn't matter cos I am quite sure I will be a spinster for my life alr) and I pray that I will be able to do a good enough job and not let anybody down...whoopz.
3.
I know and everyone knows I am dam uncool and stuff right... But like recently I've been getting secretly increasingly annoyed cos I feel that there are some people who keep copying me?? It's like not only annoying, but increasingly Creepy as I realize more and more how long the copying has been going on for/ what I didn't realize since a few months back. Dam sian because:
1. I am 'NOT COOL!!! So why copy the things I do or buy.... T.T
2. I don't like people copying me? Even though I should probably feel honoured that others actually think i am copy-able, it is not... Please have some originalitye if not creativity .
3. Definitely I know some things are coincidence, for eg someone can buy sth you have cos it's good also. And like I secretly like when my friends eat the same food as me in the canteen yknow that kind is cool? And I know the things in the economic market are not mine so I shouldn't be such a freakin hoarder, but REALLY, Can don't for my habits and so many other things??? Doesn't mean I have means you must have, it's ok to not have it!
4. Why am I so slow to only realize now...siannnn
Sigh this is so insignificant and I definitely sound like a spoilt child whining about things like this now but I will get everything out so I can hopefully stop thinking about it and move on with my life )': I just feel mildly (or not) intruded sigh anyone else felt like this before or am I just too weird and selfish?
And God says we must love everyone no matter what right so.... If those people dw to stop I cnnt do anything also just suck life up and continue living. Ok I will.
I think I need to develop some form of 领导风范 after this week? But the truer friends here who told me to have that immediately said after that "aiya nvm think you will never have it", sooooooo?? Sian.
4. Bye!!
I'm done ranting and I'll go sleep now because................ 8am class tmr is a reason but :p
Hahahahaha ok I just wanted to ask for a special request like if anyone wants to do it, can leave a shoutout in the comments box thing I haven't used in forever so I know who's still here? Idk why I want this but..... You can always ignore me. (ps negative eg of a leader.)
[How does letting me just be me and lead as me sound?]
{I also think I need a fashion consultant and a possible wardrobe revamp because I have never given three shits about my image and fashion sense since.. And I am having an identity crisis now because I think I need to be cooler. Think I should hire one of my Korean friends for help?? I actually asked already HAHAHAHA but PSL is too nice she said my dress sense is already not bad. Which is funnier HAHAHAHA
Helen is my permanent fashion consultant back in SG and I love her very much. Also, I just need to say again that I have the best parents in the world. Thanks daddy and mommy for everything since 1997.}
Pppps I think I am on a midnight high like I've been recently not tired at night?? Ok final bye!
5. Photo spammmmmm
