hahaha SF is 16hrs behind SG time so it's 4am here and I'm awake/ 4 of us are jetlagging

The past 2 weeks was pretty crazy rushing between places and I ended up falling sick this week but admittedly I had A WHOLE LOAD OF FUN which I won't regret (: 

I'm just not gonna make it in time to apply for unis HAHA someone save me

Was considering taking a gap year so I have more time to think bout my life and play but if I don't, I want these 8 months to be what I want (fun, memories, meaning) and not what society wants (internships, jobs, etc) though they are not mutually exclusive (internships v meaningful for experience but q meh if for portfolio) 

and there's my terrible mindset that my parents can still 养 me even if I don't work haha 

Didn't blog for a short while cos I feel like ppl will only get 50% of what I'm trying to say (eg the movie ticket thing) so no point saying right?? (like some ppl started telling me nonsense like don't waste money on them??) 

In attempt to clarify for once, there's a difference between firms earning supernormal profits and people who need money like street buskers and friends whose value can't be determined by money if they're real. I don't think my true friends think (/hope not) I'm stingy on them hahaha cos I don't scrimp on genuine things/ppl :p ) 

((also not saying I am but have u heard the saying/ observed the habit of how richer ppl spend less/seem more stingy on themselves? I'm not anywhere near rich but just trying to point out a possible social behavior HAHA but I feel like maybe when u have everything you want/ need already or can get them so easily then u don't see the incentive to spend anymore cos things lose their meaning. This sign could also be attributed to beliefs and faith i guess. Like my parents who understand how everything is so temporary so they spend more on stuff like traveling to let us experience/ search for the meaning of this life ourselves. 

Ok friends I think I'm ready to take on sociology. LEL JK idk what it's about yet. )) 

My parents also told me that I used to be a much more confident girl as a kid, securing top-in-level awards from p1 to p3 and getting into the best class in p3 till I transferred to tns. I think those were the most outstanding/radiant years of my life where I didn't let anyone down and I knew i could achieve my goals if I wanted to. My parents didn't even need to have any expectations of me then. 

I don't think I'm alone in this/ shd be the case for most of my peers now in the top sg schools? Except in these top schools filled with top students, not everyone can be first place. (I know I'm top from the bottom so I got no right to say la but) I feel it's the top school thing that makes me feel like shit/ "never good enough" 24/7. 

Ok maybe not 24/7, just 99.9% of the time hahahaha. The 0.01% was like math under mrs yap (eternally grateful to her for restoring my liking/ love(?) for math though unlikely to get A)

And I guess when u feel like you're not good enough, you just won't be? It's a mental thing right? (My mental strength q low i admit) so expectations of self falls, self-fulfilling prophecy occurs, yadayada and it become a cycle. Tada!

So I finally got to what I wanted to say today.

My expectations/hopes of this trip are that

I hope to find myself. That me in lower pri sch who was confident and believed in myself. That me who knew I was good enough. For myself, my school and society. That me who never heard of/ knew about "not good enough". My confidence I guess...? 

I want to see how big this world is, to learn a little bit more about it, and to learn much more about myself. I hope to decide between applying for a more intellectually demanding course (which could make me feel better if I excelled, but might worsen the current me=shit mode if I don't, to like me<shit??  Hahaha), or something more manageable for me but might not push me to my limits. 

Should I apply for another top school and be the last one there again, or settle for being in the average-upper in a second tier school? (If I can even be av-upper there) ((ok i need to stop this stupid mindset)) (((but really, this world is so huge and there will always be a higher mountain and the climb will be never ending and it will be a bloodbath as ppl climb up by stepping on others))) ((((I shd stop scaring myself and you guys bout society and adulthood))))

I think i shd be thinking about,

Should I apply for another top school and aim to be the average-upper there first? 

with my current level of confidence the aim itself and prospects of achieving the aim would be a straight no. Hahahaha so I really shd start looking for my old self and that confidence I used to be brimming with. I think it will largely come from the knowledge that I have a heavenly father who can do what man cannot fanthom and make everything beautiful in His time. 

Thankful for my parents who are always shooting deep qns in my face to make me think. And are always believing in me even when I keep telling them "I got a U do yknow what a U means???" Hopefully I become a better person in life?? Somehow they always feel that i expect mor of myself than they do of me, but moment when I get a U and aiming for an E and they're still............brimming with positivity and confidence. Confidence not in me, but in Him I guess. Haha.

Ok this has been too deep for me I got a headache if you read till here you got a "can-talk-deep-shit-w-you friend" badge 

And your little reward will be the news that my lousy sunflowers are BUDDINGGG (3 of em) and they're gonna BLOOOOOOM although they honestly look like they're dying. Noticed them 2 days before we flew off. I feel abit sad cos they will prolly bloom/ end their life cycle before I'm home haha but hopefully my helper will take good care of them and take pics for me (: 

aish my camera can't focus v well these days/ I was in a rush and didn't take properly so LQ but even apple/iPhone isn't perfect so.

Ok I spent 1hr on this / q long for a post but q short for a deep one so hopefully not too much nonsense hahaha. Excited bout the trip but worried bout e self drive (left-hand drive + sunset at 5pm) and the cost (currency v strong now?? and everything here is Plus size incl the prices, overproportionately compared to sg imo). Pray for safety and my hopes for enlightenment HAHAHA thanks bye!!

hahaha SF is 16hrs behind SG time so it's 4am here and I'm awake/ 4 of us are jetlagging

The past 2 weeks was pretty crazy rushing between places and I ended up falling sick this week but admittedly I had A WHOLE LOAD OF FUN which I won't regret (: 

I'm just not gonna make it in time to apply for unis HAHA someone save me

Was considering taking a gap year so I have more time to think bout my life and play but if I don't, I want these 8 months to be what I want (fun, memories, meaning) and not what society wants (internships, jobs, etc) though they are not mutually exclusive (internships v meaningful for experience but q meh if for portfolio) 

and there's my terrible mindset that my parents can still 养 me even if I don't work haha 

Didn't blog for a short while cos I feel like ppl will only get 50% of what I'm trying to say (eg the movie ticket thing) so no point saying right?? (like some ppl started telling me nonsense like don't waste money on them??) 

In attempt to clarify for once, there's a difference between firms earning supernormal profits and people who need money like street buskers and friends whose value can't be determined by money if they're real. I don't think my true friends think (/hope not) I'm stingy on them hahaha cos I don't scrimp on genuine things/ppl :p ) 

((also not saying I am but have u heard the saying/ observed the habit of how richer ppl spend less/seem more stingy on themselves? I'm not anywhere near rich but just trying to point out a possible social behavior HAHA but I feel like maybe when u have everything you want/ need already or can get them so easily then u don't see the incentive to spend anymore cos things lose their meaning. This sign could also be attributed to beliefs and faith i guess. Like my parents who understand how everything is so temporary so they spend more on stuff like traveling to let us experience/ search for the meaning of this life ourselves. 

Ok friends I think I'm ready to take on sociology. LEL JK idk what it's about yet. )) 

My parents also told me that I used to be a much more confident girl as a kid, securing top-in-level awards from p1 to p3 and getting into the best class in p3 till I transferred to tns. I think those were the most outstanding/radiant years of my life where I didn't let anyone down and I knew i could achieve my goals if I wanted to. My parents didn't even need to have any expectations of me then. 

I don't think I'm alone in this/ shd be the case for most of my peers now in the top sg schools? Except in these top schools filled with top students, not everyone can be first place. (I know I'm top from the bottom so I got no right to say la but) I feel it's the top school thing that makes me feel like shit/ "never good enough" 24/7. 

Ok maybe not 24/7, just 99.9% of the time hahahaha. The 0.01% was like math under mrs yap (eternally grateful to her for restoring my liking/ love(?) for math though unlikely to get A)

And I guess when u feel like you're not good enough, you just won't be? It's a mental thing right? (My mental strength q low i admit) so expectations of self falls, self-fulfilling prophecy occurs, yadayada and it become a cycle. Tada!

So I finally got to what I wanted to say today.

My expectations/hopes of this trip are that

I hope to find myself. That me in lower pri sch who was confident and believed in myself. That me who knew I was good enough. For myself, my school and society. That me who never heard of/ knew about "not good enough". My confidence I guess...? 

I want to see how big this world is, to learn a little bit more about it, and to learn much more about myself. I hope to decide between applying for a more intellectually demanding course (which could make me feel better if I excelled, but might worsen the current me=shit mode if I don't, to like me<shit??  Hahaha), or something more manageable for me but might not push me to my limits. 

Should I apply for another top school and be the last one there again, or settle for being in the average-upper in a second tier school? (If I can even be av-upper there) ((ok i need to stop this stupid mindset)) (((but really, this world is so huge and there will always be a higher mountain and the climb will be never ending and it will be a bloodbath as ppl climb up by stepping on others))) ((((I shd stop scaring myself and you guys bout society and adulthood))))

I think i shd be thinking about,

Should I apply for another top school and aim to be the average-upper there first? 

with my current level of confidence the aim itself and prospects of achieving the aim would be a straight no. Hahahaha so I really shd start looking for my old self and that confidence I used to be brimming with. I think it will largely come from the knowledge that I have a heavenly father who can do what man cannot fanthom and make everything beautiful in His time. 

Thankful for my parents who are always shooting deep qns in my face to make me think. And are always believing in me even when I keep telling them "I got a U do yknow what a U means???" Hopefully I become a better person in life?? Somehow they always feel that i expect mor of myself than they do of me, but moment when I get a U and aiming for an E and they're still............brimming with positivity and confidence. Confidence not in me, but in Him I guess. Haha.

Ok this has been too deep for me I got a headache if you read till here you got a "can-talk-deep-shit-w-you friend" badge 

And your little reward will be the news that my lousy sunflowers are BUDDINGGG (3 of em) and they're gonna BLOOOOOOM although they honestly look like they're dying. Noticed them 2 days before we flew off. I feel abit sad cos they will prolly bloom/ end their life cycle before I'm home haha but hopefully my helper will take good care of them and take pics for me (: 

aish my camera can't focus v well these days/ I was in a rush and didn't take properly so LQ but even apple/iPhone isn't perfect so.

Ok I spent 1hr on this / q long for a post but q short for a deep one so hopefully not too much nonsense hahaha. Excited bout the trip but worried bout e self drive (left-hand drive + sunset at 5pm) and the cost (currency v strong now?? and everything here is Plus size incl the prices, overproportionately compared to sg imo). Pray for safety and my hopes for enlightenment HAHAHA thanks bye!!