23/7 arrow
Friday, July 24, 2015 | 7/24/2015 04:05:00 PM | 0 comments
I removed this intially but decided that if I can't open up to the few here, I will just roll deeper into my own world and be unable to open up to everyone else, so here are (were) my true thoughts from that day, without edits.the evening of today started with worry and fear that they were pissed and upset
but gradually as night came and my thoughts matured
I realized how bad a day it was
And not that I should give myself a pat on the back for the kind of behaviour I actually displayed, but
Imagine taking out hours and hours of time to prepare something for someone you deemed as important
Right from the beginning of searching for materials online, to going down to actual stores to get them; from spending so much time in poonhuat searching for stuff with a dead phone that the entire family had to split around e mall to look for you, to walking from supermarket to supermarket with a kind friend to obtain only the best ingredients;
And most importantly, gathering loads and loads and loads of courage to decide to turn up for an event of that person's alone, all by yourself, trusting by pure blind faith that that person would not let you remain alone if you really mattered to the person too.
Yet you weren't even worth a second more than 5mins tops or a second look from that person
Maybe I should've insisted to leave as soon as I could
Because it seems that right until today, the fact holds true that if you don't leave first, you'll be left behind.
I just didn't want them to have had to worry about/deal with my awkwardness and nervousness at being alone in a party of 40. I had even indicated beforehand that i would leave right after the surprise.
But out of goodwill/kindness, they tried to keep me.
(Like those Twitter/tumblr quotes say, it really does feel dam pretty shitty to feel so damn lonely in a room literally filled with people; I'm okay with being alone, I just don't like to be looked at with judgemental eyes or pity looks and feel so lonely and sad like I'm a loner when I do have friends and family who care about me and would make me far from lonely as a person)
gradually as I stayed on it felt like life/God had just planned things that way, to make me face reality dam hard and stop stubbornly living in denial.
So when I said I'm tired of trying so hard for people who don't care a while ago
When I started to say "we're not close anymore"
I guess I really meant it
It's just a loss of place in someone else's heart to nothingness
Or maybe that place never existed from the start
I mean, it wasn't only today that I realized my worth, but previously it was just stubborn refusal to believe.
At the end of the day,
It's no one's fault except time and space
You only have yourself to blame
Because you're not good enough.
Sometimes, no matter how much you try, you'll just never be good enough.
You're really lucky
You have everything you need and want
And after today I'm reassured that there are many, many, many people, who love and care for you a lot
That's a good thing.
There's no need for me to be around anymore
So I guess this will probably be it.
I was never a good friend to begin with and I guess this post would confirm it.
(Idk if I've accidentally painted the other party/event in a too negative light cos i don't mean to like it's my fault but just felt the need to get today out. Got that issue of self-victimization/making myself appear sadder than I really am rightz hehz. Maybe it's time to move on with life and with people/things whom I would matter more to/equally much to from now haha.)
((also speaking of ppl who I shd treasure more thankyou ym for being there the entire time and for leaving sch w me this period of time + meeting up more + gg to find ingredients w me even though you had to rush for tuition and I haven't given you the best I have but it hasn't changed you going all out for me and caring for me more than I deserve but most importantly!!!!! Thankyou for being there there&then and for ur encouragements+ comfort. I will never give you anything less than my all from now on just like you)
/
And so since the moment I decided to do what I wanted to do till now,
I've spent at least 2 days preparing
Plus today's actual event
That can't seem to come to an end even at 2.01am as flashbacks of the event and those feels just keep replaying
I think I've spent enough time and effort on this now
It's time to stop my self-pity bullshit and go back to what's important
After 4 days of complete unproductiveness, it's time to double up pace
I need to get my As.
/
i'm sorry
