28/2 found
Friday, February 27, 2015 | 2/27/2015 10:51:00 PM | 0 comments
Foreword: like someone commented recently, I word vomit a lot here. Tried not to for this post but failed because1. I have been vomiting for the past few weeks and mental comes with physical
2. I don't post that often anyway
3. I need a place where my many crazy thoughts and feelings will not be ignored or judged by others
4. You can take 10 days to read this or you can just close the page if you aren't interested HAHA I didn't point a gun in yr head
School has been draining haha but looking at it positively, it forces me to maintain some semblance of order that I really need badly now 
And the best explanation I have heard of for my (seemingly major) change so far from someone I respect a lot (but nt close to ahaha)
Still lets (/me) try to be more positive bout this:
But nope by term1week8 i/we can all tell that I'm struggling to keep afloat in this ocean and not exactly doing a good job
At the same time im beginning to see more of the real world I feel?? and it's/people's scariness eg cheating, backstabbing, scary planned motives etc etc but oh well I just have to rmb to live by my own principles and morals even if I'm deemed by others as stupid and lose out because I don't take shortcuts or cheat hahaha
;
Some days I feel a little sad cos I have no friends in school/ class and cca
Other days I simply don't give a shit
But on days where I feel like I have that little bit of energy to care, I try
And I usually regret those days hahahahaha
The thing is, even if I do try, no one really cares
I guess that's why school life has felt so tiring
No one really cares but you have to put up a clown face and show the side of yourself that others would want to see/ make sure that the sides of you that no one would want to see are not shown
And putting on this facade is getting tiring because who&what I am in school now doesn't reflect 85% of me/my real life and the tsunamis+tornados+ disasters that should have wiped me off the face of earth by now Hahahaha
In summary, these 'friendships' are pretty much emotionless and meaningless I guess
I don't think I even have friends in school now hahaha
If you've read this place since pri sch you'd realize that I've always been observing and wondering what being a friend means
This year I feel like friends should be people who are actually there for you when you need them? (Not even expecting people to be there when I'm down and out or dying but maybe little things like replying my messages after me who's alr overcautious of this world and people use my leftover energy to talk to you hahahaha)
But that's the world haha and I've just got to suck it up haha i guess I'm v selfish a person too /high expectations of people when I myself am not even that worthy or deserving of such friendships
Idek why I make myself like that hahahaaha but there's this saying which I feel resonates esp second part :
And the best explanation I have heard of for my (seemingly major) change so far from someone I respect a lot (but nt close to ahaha)I'm pretty thankful for the few people in class who tank my shit even though I don't think I'm worthy enough to be considered their friend HAHAHA
Like fy, xy, low, jr, haha who will listen to my shit at least/not ignore me (even the girls in my class cnnt not do that sometimes OOPZ im too terrible ((but also credits to them im not easy to be with on daily basis esp w my whistling fetish recently)) )
And these people sometimes make a terribly shitty and tiring day better esp my 2 go-home buddies who I talk a lot of shit with (and I think they could possibly know even more about me than the girls I hang out w usually) and low who I can tell stuff to sometimesss haha
And mm hx also heh i dun show it much but sometimes just the sight of her is comforting cos we dun have many lessons tgt hahaha/ it feels like seeing a familiar face among familiar faces/idk how to explain it and this is q awkward haha nvm
Of course I know that no one can be there for me all the time but heh i find it pretty amazing how much someone can impact others/me in the limited amount of time that they're present in their lives/my life because I don't think I'll ever be able to have such impact on anyone hahaha.
I will remember these little things even after I graduate (i hope) haha
;
Okay life updates cos i feel like trumpeting to everyone my stupid businesses hahaha
Upcoming events:
SNYO-Viva l'Italia!: Next Fridayyyy (6/3) so excited although I'm only playing one piece because e whole concert is Italian themed and the pieces feel so happy and pretty fantasy-grand-classical type and wah hehe AND first time at VCH so looking forward (-:
Last dec was just my first time at esplanade and although only my parents went to support me (hehe they e best) I felt pretty happy still ((it's the music.))
(Hx we must rmb to take a pic tgt!!! I realized I haven't taken enough pics w you for 6 years :p)
Napfa: lol first time since sec2/I died + nerves and fears because I cnnt jump to save my life and I haven't practiced shuttle run since I stopped playin frisbee last feb?? GG
D'L: moving away from civilization/1 mrt stn away from school in 3 weeks (3 days before BT1 to be exact HAHAHAHAHAHA) my life since sec3 has been filled with clustered events GG
I will really miss my home now a lot a lot a lot (+ proximity to civilization) ahaha though it's the 5th time in my life shifting house alr
Speaking of BT1 guess who hasn't started revising aHahaha
And no point talking about the past unless haha so I'm done updating
/
Just wanted to end off my post saying that though I've been vvv negative recently but im looking at this world on a bigger scale and I feel like I'm getting back on track/beginning to appreciate life more
Inspiration: Christian purges all around the world (ISIS +Philippines + China ++)
And I see how people die just because they refuse to deny their faith in Christ
At the same time I wonder how Christians like me who are safe from all these here in SG are living our unthreatened lives/ I think I really can do more for God (maybe like stop complaining about my life at least) (and try to care again about this rejection-filled world even though it hurts badly)
We are really blessed esp to Christians ahaha considering our geographical location and neighbors, we could have been persecuted since a long time ago but yeahhh haha awks okay just thank God
/
I promise my next post will be about my 18th birthday and it will be more positive than this one today!!!!
Found:
1. He's found me
2. I've found my way back to Him
3. I think I've found myself
4. I've found words
