The last 20 odd days and he crashed every single hope I had.

I don't even want to go near it now, but I don't have a choice.

It's been in my life since I was three; the only thing that I seemed to be good at. Yet over the years because of all sorts of other distractions, I've seemed to have neglected and then lost this only one thing that I'm good at, and others are constantly telling me about how others have already reached higher levels or completed what I haven't, and all this while I've just been telling myself to go at my own pace and not compare w others.

It's pretty hilarious how sometimes idk whether or not to thank the people that don't even bother to compare me w themselves/others because they know I am way below their level and below what is deemed "comparable" (like yj and ss who never bothered to ask about my grades the entire sec4), because when people actually Do compare me with something or someone else, i am always the one who isn't good enough. 

All my life (has been a series of doors in my face) I've been wondering why God created someone so imperfect like me, with so many flaws, and zero strength. 

Zero. 

These few years esp with failure after failure, I've grown from all of them and got used to failure and I admit that yes God has His plans, but there's this unspeakable fear of failure when every next time comes, and this is one of them.

I may tell people that I've been preparing for this for 4 years, but truth is, it technically shouldn't be even a year because 3 out of 4 are totally different items chosen, learnt painstakingly and drilled only from Dec 2013.

I don't want to fail this- I really don't want to. 

But I know there's this chance, this really high chance reflected from my entire life and these few years, that there's something to learn from this experience again and that God's plan might just be for me to fail once more.

I guess it isn't the thought of failing that matters as much as the process of having to pick myself up and starting from scratch again, to search for brand new courage to try again.

I also know that God only has the best plans for us and He won't harm us and will walk through every trial and failure with us esp when He gives us things that are beyond what we can take.

But still, this feeling.

I guess I need to trust in Him a lot more

And work hard, pray hard for a miracle

And really, stop giving a shit about what happens to the rest of this world/how successful everyone else is. 

I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to sit down and start again, or pretend like that comment never existed and continue my journey and the final lap.

But I know He will provide. 

When tomorrow comes, idw to and will not turn away from it again like i did today.

3. Think the parents are quite worried cos exam + promos + emotions + health which the dad wants me to go get my stomach checked cos it's been feeling over bloated/hurting before and after many meals and bedtimes which idw and dun hve the time to go entertain because

Life and I really need to stop being such a willful and terrible child and keep making them worry for me cos not like there aren't enough tsunamis hurricanes and disasters going around in the entire family this period alr; 一风未平一浪起  

4. Sometimes I feel like I can go on laughing at everything and being really happy and trying and staying positive with life and loving it like I still am, and this blogpost was not scheduled in my todo list today because I have many other things to do rn.

The last 20 odd days and he crashed every single hope I had.

I don't even want to go near it now, but I don't have a choice.

It's been in my life since I was three; the only thing that I seemed to be good at. Yet over the years because of all sorts of other distractions, I've seemed to have neglected and then lost this only one thing that I'm good at, and others are constantly telling me about how others have already reached higher levels or completed what I haven't, and all this while I've just been telling myself to go at my own pace and not compare w others.

It's pretty hilarious how sometimes idk whether or not to thank the people that don't even bother to compare me w themselves/others because they know I am way below their level and below what is deemed "comparable" (like yj and ss who never bothered to ask about my grades the entire sec4), because when people actually Do compare me with something or someone else, i am always the one who isn't good enough. 

All my life (has been a series of doors in my face) I've been wondering why God created someone so imperfect like me, with so many flaws, and zero strength. 

Zero. 

These few years esp with failure after failure, I've grown from all of them and got used to failure and I admit that yes God has His plans, but there's this unspeakable fear of failure when every next time comes, and this is one of them.

I may tell people that I've been preparing for this for 4 years, but truth is, it technically shouldn't be even a year because 3 out of 4 are totally different items chosen, learnt painstakingly and drilled only from Dec 2013.

I don't want to fail this- I really don't want to. 

But I know there's this chance, this really high chance reflected from my entire life and these few years, that there's something to learn from this experience again and that God's plan might just be for me to fail once more.

I guess it isn't the thought of failing that matters as much as the process of having to pick myself up and starting from scratch again, to search for brand new courage to try again.

I also know that God only has the best plans for us and He won't harm us and will walk through every trial and failure with us esp when He gives us things that are beyond what we can take.

But still, this feeling.

I guess I need to trust in Him a lot more

And work hard, pray hard for a miracle

And really, stop giving a shit about what happens to the rest of this world/how successful everyone else is. 

I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to sit down and start again, or pretend like that comment never existed and continue my journey and the final lap.

But I know He will provide. 

When tomorrow comes, idw to and will not turn away from it again like i did today.

3. Think the parents are quite worried cos exam + promos + emotions + health which the dad wants me to go get my stomach checked cos it's been feeling over bloated/hurting before and after many meals and bedtimes which idw and dun hve the time to go entertain because

Life and I really need to stop being such a willful and terrible child and keep making them worry for me cos not like there aren't enough tsunamis hurricanes and disasters going around in the entire family this period alr; 一风未平一浪起  

4. Sometimes I feel like I can go on laughing at everything and being really happy and trying and staying positive with life and loving it like I still am, and this blogpost was not scheduled in my todo list today because I have many other things to do rn.