18/7 kintsukuroi
Thursday, July 17, 2014 | 7/17/2014 11:32:00 PM | 0 comments
17/7:It was not a good day, because of many many things:
I woke up at 4am to rush the GP presentation shit that my partner (nt rlly her fault I guess) didn't finish because she fell asleep/doesn't have as much time as me or sth lol. And so with my extreme lack of sleep, I was feeling stressed+ Grouchy. Then I tried to wake my partner up and she woke up to my "I'm late for school alr" telling me that "late then good la no need to present" and made me so irritated that I literally replied "wth not funny".
That was how my day started-- pressure + grouch + angst
And then my something finally came after 3 months (yes I mentioned that there's sth wrong w me and it's not just this) and so I was feeling pms-ey.
And then while I happily sat down during recess to eat my food and jab, I realized I was out of novorapid/insulin. And that was when the crisis started cos I started (psychological + actual physical) feeling v v v v sick that i cnnt rlly explain in words how shitty I felt (supposed to jab Before eating, I usually jab While eating which alr isn't v good, and then nt supposed to miss jab for more than 2hrs and I missed mine for about 4-5) so anw rushed home right after sch ended and missed csc enrichment just to jab.
Feel sooooo bad for making the parents worried/troubling them/ the dad even rushed all e way to Kkh to get more insulin for me but v touched cos they care (':
But I was feeling pretty angst and angry with myself and I couldn't understand why I am always so stupid and I was feeling quite sad too so these were the thoughts I had ytd:
1. I cannot take people leaving my life like really it's just not in me to let go so sophistically like that. I know that 天下无不散的筵席 and that everyone leaves at some point in your life but some part of me Always dies when people leave and when things end and when I know some things have become the past. I don't want anyone to enter my life anymore because there are enough people here who will all leave and my heart after 17years is already half dead but I know that people will still inevitably come into my life and I will still let them and they will too leave. Maybe the people who left can come back first and make my heart less dead so there will be more than half my heart left for people in the future to leave/I won't have a dead heart by 34. But does reality really work like that or am I in fantasyland again?
2 Regarding many people and issues: in the middle. always in the middle. Even my birth order. Hate being in the middle because I can see both sides. Wish I could just see one side and stand on one side and not let myself be so dead stuck between 2 cray groups/people/thoughts at many times and freaking not knowing what to do.
And these few days whenever I feel angry/angsty because of stuff like ^ I get really really hungry. And must eat spicy food and eat a lot before the hot air will deflate and that makes me fatter which makes me feel like a bigger lump of shit
And since blocks/June hols, I started to bite/chew my nails and I usually do that when I'm stressed (eg math) (that's why sometimes I have to apply base coat/ a layer of toxic to prevent myself from biting).
3 So my parents were telling me over dinner that same night that I really need to take care of myself and my mom was like "I'm so worried about your liver and kidney" and because of ^ like i do know how shaky the bridge is already/can understand where my parents coming from but I as a freaking seventeen year old dw to care about this shit, I got angst Again. I didn't lose my temper w my parents but I was being (again) a v retarded daughter and I just said casually like "aiya whatever die then die"
/guess who just won the best daughter award 2014/
But yeah at that point with 1 and 2 simultaneously in my head I was thinking like "my heart is alr half dead idw to have to go through even more people leaving idw to see even more craziness and cruelty in this world I don't mind just going home when I'm 20 or 25 or 30."
But yeah at that point with 1 and 2 simultaneously in my head I was thinking like "my heart is alr half dead idw to have to go through even more people leaving idw to see even more craziness and cruelty in this world I don't mind just going home when I'm 20 or 25 or 30."
(Me being dam lame and irrational and all negative that day. My thoughts now, I promise, are crystal clear and not like that anymore)
(And I'm sorry I know this is always not a nice topic to talk/read about and we're all young and this topic is scary and not our age and I try hard to not mention these but yes it is an issue in my life that I constantly fight with)
/
Backtracking to Wednesday: went for scholarship fair with huix and felt like I have no future because I has no leadership qualities no results no health nothing. Idek what I want because I'm stuck between choosing to pursue my dream (I'm serious when I say many people really freaking LOL when I tell them my dream T^T ) or finding something that will give me job security and a job to come back to for many years from the moment I graduate (but bonds which I hate)
Anw this isn't rlly a valid concern now cos at this stage i don't even think I will be able to get any scholarships.
But Just before I fell asleep on that wed night, I recalled how my dad said this thing many times that "aiya no one want sponser you? Nevermind you got Lim Foundation" in his joker tone and the thing is I know that he is serious when he says he will send me anywhere I wanna go no matter how much it costs.
Motivated to work super hard now because just the thought of my parents spending so much money on me makes me squirm in my bed and seat and everywhere. And not like they don't alr have to pay for tens of thousands for my medication every year.
Love my parents so much they're the best parents in my world )':
/
Okay enough being lame and soppy so on Thursday night I was feeling like I was going to explode/爆炸 but I told myself
"Dont let a bad day fool you into thinking that you have a bad life", I prayed and I went to sleep.
"Dont let a bad day fool you into thinking that you have a bad life", I prayed and I went to sleep.
Yesterday was a WHOA WHAT day.
It was a really shit day.
But it was one of the best days I've had in ForEver!!! (For the first time in foreverrrrr~)
Firstly I missed my bus to school and was late for national anthem (I promise that previously I Honestly didn't know I had to be ready for warm ups By 715 and I always only reached around 720 w ry and during the interview hx asked why I'm always late so guess what now I'm always reachig at 710 even though idw to care/reach so early because no-longer-ignorant kid feels the Burden) anw when I reached school it was 713 and I ran to put down my bag when bern passed me a letter w 2 cute lollipops. I couldn't hear properly who she said it was from cos I was just rushing but I stuffed e letter in my pocket.
Read it at 740/ our break cos bell ring/announcements and I was so touched and happy like ((((((''':
Don't think she will see this but Thanks for everything roo(': for caring even though you're so busy with council and life! Jiayou together and imy much too let's finally catch up/meet and talk a lot during chinaa(:
Then spent the lunch break with Mrsyap who came back to visit us!!(-: sat beside her and it was really awkward so I didn't say much. But miss her so much )': turtle is just lol but okay let's go turtle I will work hard with you let's be ninja turtles
And at 1230 Ashley came to return me my "spoilt" Instax camera and I realized that the problem was that e film got stuck/ thanks sheryltan for helping me and saving my camera you're a Jem (-:
Anw we talked until 1.15 about life and everything and she is one of the few people who I tell so much to honestly hahaha but we had fun talking nonsense and serious stuff (like As)
Then as I was walking to the Audi for BBI (guess who took part in it with the other 3/5 of yepmam and submitted 2 ideas and totally passed... The submission round/ ie first round out), guess who i walked past and sudden "hey Adeline" and I WHOA THIS VOICE turned around it was cindy who I haven't said hi to in a long time ((((((((((((''''':
(Yes let me tell another story/long funfact101: guess who has been avoiding some people furiously like she has so many enemies but no they're not even enemies they're supposedly friends and guess who sometimes even runs away/takes detours when she sees them walking in her direction just to avoid the awkward/cold moment of walking past each other w/o saying hi. But that's only if I see the person first which doesn't happen v often too heh.)
Anw I hugged cindy and she hugged me back (I was literally singing For the first time in foreverrrrrrrrr In the Audi afterwards) and thanks Cindy you really made my day the rest of my day was so good even though it was so shitty (:
Spent some time on a date w Kang before band and then jbr (jc band room/ the room beside the toilet on the left wing for people who still dk HAHA) cleaning was disastrous. Firstly I somehow subconciously chose to spot all the grossest corners of the room to clean where all e mega huge dust bunnies were. Yepz. And then when we were about to be done/ move stuff in, someone spilled Half a Tin of Black Paint on the floor right outside the room. Yepz. We were like Shit and worried that the paint would stick so ChopChop. Anw now I'm currently in need of a new set of uniform and (I should've taken a pic of my leg) (just the cleaning up alone made me like that don't ask about those who were standing there when it happened) I was completely cui by the time we were done But to be honest, it didn't feel that bad at all!
I actually felt that bit closer to (some of) my batch through the cleaning and all the shit. Yepz. But super cui. So we rushed to nanyang for nycb's Appassionate XIV and reached the Audi right at 7.30pm. I was stinky and dirty and everything but the music was really enjoyable (amusing at some points/ the tempo LOL and choice of music (dam cartoon))
And during intermission when I was about to leave to go eat my dinner, mm who was sitting beside me (oh yeah it just Freaking happened and I didn't even know what to do but they were starting so I just sat down and gosh I think it was freaking Awkward manz) was like "adeline" and then I turned around and something didn't feel right and she was like "your skirt" and then disaster part2. Yeah. I managed to wash and salvage my skirt though and then after the concert it happened Again. (It was not a good day)
Okay back to the concert. I enjoyed October and I think it was their best piece played, followed by Frozen and Laputa
That frozen made me tear up because I'm such a crybaby )': and I was reminded of everything that happened in dec2013 hahaha sigh.
Soo yeah. I was in a fantabulous mood ytd and at the end of the concert when the juniors were like "all good things come to an end" I guess some part of me sort of accepted that a bit- it felt like a piece of advice to what I've been feeling troubled over since Thursday (but still it's not like idk that alr; I just cannottttttttttttt)
Their last piece was school song hahaha so we all spontaneously stood up and sang the song and afterwards cheered band cheer w them (':
I miss nanyang a lot, I miss our pretty Audi even more and always fooling around w lyj during assemblies, I miss mm who I sat beside (realization that even after one year, people can somehow end up sitting together but nothing is the same anymore/how after one year, everything has changed, but one thing somehow didn't ((different persoectives)) ) but I had no courage to say hi or anything and when I was going home I was contemplating sending a text to thank for the skirt thing but I didn't eventually ahaha #cowardline
Most of all, I miss Nycb.
Yesterday night, it felt like a need; a need to have yepmam sittin together or at least takin a picture, or just doin something together.
But no, we didn't sit together, didn't take any picture at all. That was a regret I left the concert with.
I asked myself later on: Did you try? Yes, I did try to ask. Were you the one who said no? No, I wasn't. Does sitting together really matter? Maybe it did, but it doesn't matter anymore cos e fact was that we didn't. How about the picture? Not really either, because if we are going to be, we would have chances to take many more in future. If we are not going to be, one more picture will not make a difference/help us to stay together.
Conclusion: it doesn't matter, and I let go of that.
Technically, I sat beside someone in yepmam. Except, we couldn't communicate. At all.
All in all, the past few days have not been good. In fact, "not good" are understatements. They have been pretty shitty. But I've learnt 3 things:
1. A Bad day really has the ability to make you feel like you have a Bad life, so now that I am aware of this, I will not let bad days fool me into such a thinkin anymore. My life, is more than great, and I give thanks.
2. When shit happens, you can look at the fact that there is a mess to clean up, or try to appreciate the fact that you finally got rid of the toxic waste in your body. Two real life scenarios proved this to me: the paint incident which became a platform for me to dislike band a little less, and my (something) that hurt like asdfghjkl (first day cramps are really killers) which caused me so much of a mess and panic But it finally came after 3 months and that's what matters I guess.
3. Friends have the powerful ability to make shitty days become golden days.
So thank God, because ultimately, He was the one who made the plans for ytd to happen and He was the one who placed the people who appeared ytd in my life and He always places people in my life for a reason.
So I should trust Him if He sends people into my life. One day, I will understand that everyone in my life are the right people. Yes.
Okay that's the end of my grandmother story and my nonsensical revelations HAHAHAHA /aspiring grandmother/
I can do this you can do this we can all do this!!! (-:
