23-26/7 Steady my Heart
Wednesday, July 23, 2014 | 7/23/2014 10:59:00 PM | 0 comments
***caution: long post*** 23/7
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Happy Birthday to my deardeardear friend of 8 years (-: I hope you had a Great day today :p
Okay I actually have 3 mins let me get this out asap!!!
Today was a very special day and I'm feelin really grateful
1. PE
Realized I'm super unfit!!!! Gonna start going jogging/ exercising again because after running just now I felt so giddy/UNFIT. (And also maybe because I realized that height and weight shd be coming soon)
Played floorball but omg te drill was so retarded and after like idk how long the girls decided to just organize ourselves and play match! That was funnnn and I suddenly really missed Kwan/413 fighting for Kwan and getting to play the whole hall
(Sudden forgot who sec4 pe teacher was) ((Sudden recalls many people sitting on the stage doing their own work cos long term mc))
I also realized that sports really makes me happy (okay I know it sounds hilarious coming from such a fat kid) but yes i really do feel happier after exercising like super good mood or sth!
Yes so next time I can consider playing sports w friends too when we go out /instead of movie and meal or doing lame stuff (but probably friend like not more than 1 person I won't like others to see fat jade (cui) pig running around and sweating)
2. During recess I found out something pretty meh and I was just being really judgmental for the rest of the recess about someone I don't really know (and yes it kinda got to me/my conscience later on and is still stuck now) but seriously although I try to accept everyone, there are some that are the kind of "idew to get to know you because your face and actions already like that" and I found out that.. okayz nvmz.
Anw that's why when people tell me "you are nice"/ "you have a heart of gold", I laugh because they don't know me.
I am not a nice person (if 10000001 times hasn't drilled this in yr head)
And yeah I have a heart of gold-- heart of golden shit. Hahahahaha! I am evil (-:<
Still, as someone who has met a wide spectrum of people, and maybe as a loser who has received treatments from different types of people, I think I might be pretty reliable in my judgement of characters HAHA. (Plus i checked w a few people rgd their opinions about this 1 person and our opinions were let's say on the same line)
Now I'm finally feeling a little bit better like okay fine I don't really accept/like some people but I'm not someone who will bother hiding it and I don't believe that anyone can truly love every single person they see (other than Jesus), it seems abit fake but maybe I'm just not nice enough to see that. Yes if I don't like you/angry with you/ sad w you/have something against you its not hard for you to feel/find out because
a) I don't like to mask/hide my feelings (yes when I'm happy I laugh when I'm angry I frown when I'm angst I whine or shut up ((but sometimes I'm just quiet cos I'm tired to talk/thinking bout stuff)) )
b) I cannot really hide (it's a lack-of-ability thing which is why many people/close friends say I am a super-easy-to-read person)
Moving Onz
3. Went for combined sectionals at obr first and was feeling super angst because of conductor and attitudes and grouch and a lot of things. I was thinking, "please if you dw me to play just ask me not to play and stop wasting my time" but actually it was just mrc who was being anal and stuff. Oh and I have 2 (super quiet just like ry) high school bassoon juniors HAHAHAHA okay the sec4 is actually super good looking but sorry I'm not into younger guys and the sec2 is just weird and immature I really don't like him (worse than Elton/the j2 when I was sec3) and ry doesn't like him either/ he went "eee" when he heard his name.
But Mr Leng was really funny and I really like him and I think I want to start a fan club for him because he's so funny and he makes band really enjoyable and hilarious like honestly I cannot stand him hahahaha and he told us at the end of band that the reason why they're being so strict now is cos we're going for the highest division of the competition where only 3 bands are competing and they've apparently been practicing for at least half a year (for us, high sch maybe a few months and j1s started on weds-- the comp is next Sunday). Besides that, he signed us up for grade 8 band exam (like freaking serious) hahahahaha so okay I was really touched and happy and I felt that he is really a great conductor (but now thinking about it, I'm don't really think we will be able to pull this off because like honestly 2 weeks??)
And yeah new bassoon tutor made me go for lesson on Tuesday/non-band day and informed us at like 10am in the morning. He's quite nice but he wanted me to change some Fingerings to the more complicated ones and me being a lazy girl who hates change hasn't been practicing the new fingerings/using the ones Laoshi taught me in sec1.
And turns out he's an syno bassoon instructor so after he found out about my sad story the next day he sudden texted me and said that an earlier audition would be arranged for me and I was really touched! Plus I think he is entering me into the main orchestra and not YS (inferred from his text) so must work super hard!
And also was really touched because God always makes things work for me even when I keep hitting obstacles, failures and all that, I always get somewhere else/where I should be at.
On the way home/was crossing bridge with kz, he was sharing w me about some of his feelings rgd certain things and I was sharing my opinions/trying to give suggestions when he asked "how are you such a positive person!" I replied, (this I realized after I said) (a reminder for you and for me to stay strong) "through a lot of failures!"
I actually think kz doesn't really know me/ most people prolly think I'm more of a neg than a positive person but his comment motivated me/was an affirmation of my efforts and stuff so yes I felt quite happy!
So after that tiring day I went home for dinner and dad bought duck and they alr finished dinner but kept the duck thigh/leg for me (or maybe there was more than one) anw I was rlly touched and my day ended well cos of that (':
Lesson of the day: trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
24/7
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Got back gp and csc on Thursday and felt like a deflated balloon; esp csc because I'm the rep lol and now in lower 50% of 56 of us but I don't have the right to feel sad/cry because I didn't put in enough effort
I wonder what I'm doing with my life because it seems like all I've been thinking about this whole year is "play". Everytime some holiday or break comes up, all I wanna do is play and slack.
I think I need to sort out my life and start my engines.
25/7
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Got back history and ha-ha-ha my first U in my life ha ha ha (please don't faint) (I know people in science classes cry cos they get B) HAHAHAH
Same as ytd, I was really down but I know I didn't put in the required effort so the only thing I could tell myself was "活该"
But still even for a loser like me who has failed so many times at so many things and who alr immune to failure, that U really got to me (esp cos I'm 1mark from an S) (and it was History) so I just let myself crash/doze off the whole pw lecture
Was quite pissed off during band again I honestly have a serious love-hate relationship w band now
I missed yepmam but lol forget it
And yeah got scolded a few times by mrc cos my intonation was bad (but I honestly think the sec2 wasn't in tune either and he wasn't trying to match mine. At All.)
Went for band dinner really reluctantly because for the first time, Eve actually wanted to go for band dinner so I told myself that I would be there for her and yeah turned out it was a great decision cos at least there were 2 of us tgt for most of the night. the brasses and woodwinds split into two to go diff places and we decided to be loyal/follow original plan/the woodwinds and went for prata! Okay a lot of hilarious shit happened but the dinner made my day (although I had to wait for 1.5hr to get an egg prata >.>) thanks Kz and Rara and cheryl (ahh I think c and my friendship reached a new level after fri (-:)
26/7
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Went to school to help out for national chinese storytelling competition at like 7.30am and ushered 4 people the entire time (actually 2 but I'm just gonna count e 2 who were in e car at clocktower) from gate3 (high sch) to Audi (dam good exercise)
Was supposed to go to botanics w china/tw buddies and walk until 1pm (I was actually preparing myself to be a good tour guide and like intro all the plant names and stuff) but luckily zh saved me and transferred me to backstage to help mic up the pri sch kids. Yes that was the best part of my day. I loved interacting w the kids haha they were so cute (and so nervous) and guess who met her pri school juniors (':
But the secret story behind this was that cos I was rushing out of e house, I ate halfway and left and was gonna jab in e car. Then I realized I had no more needles. So I lasted from 7am-11am without insulin again ahaha and my head felt heavier and heavier as time went by (it still kinda feels heavy/weird now but it's just after-effects; it'll prolly go away after 2-3 days just like last week; my bad so I will face the consequences)
Went home to jab and practiced piano for 1hr more before going for lesson and end up today was te first time I cried over piano in like maybe 10 years or sth. Yeah guess who got scolded ahahaha and then made to play seperate hands the entire lesson with the metronome going at 126/semiquaver (/super slow) I was like "actually he isn't even scolding me that badly" but e tears kept flowing out (okay super embarrassing lesson I'm not gonna be able to face him next week)
And I feel like a major letdown although the truth is that I've been making a lot more effort to prac piano this week/ at least 1.5h everyday/ some nights I fall asleep on the piano.
So when I reached home I was completely exhausted and slept till 7+-8 and woke up with a sudden bad sore throat (yeah an uncontrolled chronic disease has the ability to ruin your life and make you feel like dying)
Basically, I felt sick the entire day till now.
And while resting in bed, I started thinking about the entire week and how I'm always just another option to everyone and how in this week I heard many times this phrase "I prefer him/her over you" "he/she's still better than you" and although I'm used to the fact that I'll never be good enough for anyone in this world no matter how hard I try, but e words suddenly stung a lot and I felt quite negative about everything.
I also started feeling a little irritated over some very normal things like people not replying convos/leaving them hanging in the air and I've decided that I only want to talk to people who treat my time and effort spent to reply as equally important as theirs. Cos yeah it was during WMM rehearsal last week for children's service that Clement told me about "here, we respect that everyone's time is equally important so we all try to be punctual and everyone puts in their best effort to make the rehearsal as meaningful as possible." (I want my friendships to be like that too.)
Besides, I always felt that replying someone is a basic courtesy (until the convo gets to an "ok"/ ends)
So anw yeah if you think your time is really super precious and you have no time to reply me every time a convo starts between us, then...please go be friends with people who are more worthy of your time.
I think I'm gonna get super particular over this hahahaaha oopz because I have this concern rgd my time left on this earth xD
Actually it's because I realized the fact yesterday that:
If they don't care when you're alive, they aren't going to when you're dead.
That thought floated in my head the entire night as I thought through stuff and decided on some really Morbid things which you can choose to skip reading (I'll break and tell you where to start later):
a) the people who care-just my parents, and maybe a handful of true friends
b) I used to be afraid that no one would turn up at my funeral and told people that "when I die, you must come to my funeral okay". I changed my mind- I want to just spend time with the people who I matter to in my last days (as for the people who matter to me, I don't matter to most of them so I'll forget it), and when I die, I don't want any funeral. And yes cliche but whatever's left of me can just be scattered into the sea (water is my favourite element anws) because idw to burden my parents to have to go clean up that thing with my ugly face and stuff if sadly I leave before them.
Okay no more morbidity you can continue here!
So mm yeah my priorities now:
Piano and Academics
Bassoon
Family
Catching up w friends (like ling I really miss this bellez idk why and food adventure w ewe who always bojio)
I need to put in 200% more effort for piano because although I hvent received the letter but yes I'm about 1month away and completely unprepared
I need to do my econs tutorials and read finish/make notes for csc and read/make mindmaps for history and practice more math (math is the only subject that I can still aim for a 100% so from now on I will aim for full marks for every math quiz and work towards the goal) and because piano exam and snyo auditions will be the same period as/one week before promos (Golden luck), I must start to work hard now.
I must work hard too for bassoon because I really want the snyo experience/opportunity and also because of NBC on Aug3 that I don't want to screw up/if I'm going for a grade8 I want to hit that basic level for myself and get past sightreading the 2 pieces
Yes I need to have higher expectations of myself while I can still do things!
And as negative as my situation seems to be/will get, I must remember to keep on smiling and don't give up easily.
Everything will be okay I just need to hang in there. God will fix my beyond repair bridge (sn was flipping through the D magazine because somehow this month's issue appeared in my face ((my helper usually hides them when they arrive because I don't like to see them)) and in the feature of top4 hawker foods to avoid I saw my favourite hawker food on the list while the top4 food they recommended with 3stupidstars were like "chicken porridge" "'minced meat soup" dk what shit and I got annoyed/sent the magazine flying into the bin ((okay plot twist 2mins later I picked it up and threw it to te recycle pile instead)) but point being: I don't think the bridge can still be fixed after the past 10 years of me not giving a shit about my life ((plot twist:do I/intend to now)) ) but I trust that with Him all things are possible.
Sorry this is such a poop post cos my mind (and maybe my life) is kinda in a mess but I know He will sort it out and lead me through.
In Good times, I praise Him. In Bad times, I will rely on and look to Him for strength!
Go adel go everyone!
/
The words unsaid
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Remember the daily assemblies, recesses and weekly chem lab practical, audi assembly; remember the insults and scoldings we used to hurl at each other like bullets, the deepest secrets shared in the wee hours of the morning; remember the EveryDay and Every Other Day spent together in the past two years
Remember me being nearly obsessed w you and all the seemingly-crazy things I did because you were always my amazing role model, the hthts we had in the night, the words you used to encourage/comfort me with; remember that fateful evening when a journey I treasured ended- you came, supported me in my worst state, sent me home and settled me down, just like a friend, a sister, a doctor would; remember to keep on smiling and to stay strong because I truly believe in you
Remember the daily conversations we had, the nicknames we gave each other, the outings, the hugs, the laughter, the weeks before eoy of mugging together at our hangout; remember how we first became friends, and how much you meant to me
Remember the late night walks around bdfz campus as we had hthts in the cold, the bench with the street lamp above us where we sat down and chatted, the bus trip together in tj where we shared music and heart, the cip at the old folks' home where we sang/changed the lyrics to your favourite song while cleaning the dirtiest windows ever; remember every moment of the two months spent together
Remember our first words to each other, the awkwardness that lessened over time, the getting to know each other, the arguments and reconciliations, the moments that belonged to us; remember the first movement
Remember our first outing, the arguments between us later on, the arguments against us, us fighting and putting out fires as one; remember the meetings we had, the hours we spent at our hangout talking about everything and being together, the promises we made and hopes for the future we had; remember our name; our legacy
Out of context but I don't understand you: you asked if I am angry when you are the one who constantly ignores me, the one who flicks me, the one who's always so unpredictable, the one who hasn't replied when I texted you just to clarify that I'm not angry; this hot-coldness --when is it ever going to end? can we ever stop being at loggerheads and actually be friends?
Also, I'm sorry to those who I've unknowingly/unmeaningly pushed away this week
耶和华你是我的神
我要时时称颂你的名
你是我的盾牌 是我的荣耀
又是叫我抬起头的神
纵然仇敌围绕攻击我
在你怀中必不怕遭害
你是我的神 我所倚靠的
你同在使我全然得胜
