13/7 乱世中的平静
Sunday, July 13, 2014 | 7/13/2014 12:20:00 AM | 0 comments
Just finished helping dad prepare the ppt for his sharing/sermon at youth service tmr That ^ was the topic.
And a few people have unknowingly favourited my tweet without knowing what it means to me haha
In such a chaotic and materialistic world, sometimes it seems so easy to lose track of what is right, of what is important
And sometimes I just feel this plopping lousy feeling that I will never be good enough for anyone or anything
Sometimes I wonder if it's a good thing that God made me someone who doesn't belong anywhere- because I can't
Knowing I don't/can't fit in anywhere and not even bothering to v.s. finally feeling like I belong somewhere and yet coming with this sense of belonging is an increasing amount of pressure to do what is expected in order to be accepted
Am I even still me?
Sometimes I wonder why I'm so different
Why I just can't seem to blend in anywhere
Why I feel this tight tug in me when friends ask me to meet at 8.30 for a $5 breakfast that I could have at home for $0, between my parents' "don't spend so much time together doing nothing and neglect your studies" and saving $$ because yakun is seriously overrated ($2.80 for a cup of milo?) and I am not rich/ cannot and don't want to spend so much money outside--it's really just not me/against my principles even if I'm rich
I don't like the idea of spending money that doesn't even belong to me.
I feel the pinch because I know that my parents forgo many many things that they could have just so that we can have what we want, and I hate this fact enough already.
I feel the pinch because I know that in some countries people don't even get to spend $1/day to live and i could just without thinking spend $5 on an unnecessary breakfast.
And this led to me wondering:
Tomorrow- be there for daddy and listen to the message God wants Him to say, and Ben who's leading worship for the first time at bethel, or go to TPMC to be with this bunch of people who I belong with, who make me happy and laugh a lot, and miss/boycott the new cg introduction lunch together; go to TPMC, and reach at 830 to watch them eat bf, be unable to do any work and meet later before service cos it is against friendship rights that people are sacrificing their time to reach at 830 without doing their work, and I don't want to.
I wonder if I'm being too weird to think like that,
I wonder why i just can't fit in
I know what seems right
But how am I supposed to tell myself that this group of people who Are important to me are Not important and that I should do this to them?
Why can't i just have the guts to say no
"Do not be conformed to this world..." Romans 12:2
Why am I so afraid to fall out of the conformation of this superficial world?
God didn't make any one person in this world the same
"I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14
I don't know if I'm seen as a rebel, and if I do, I really don't mean to be one
Yet I myself, and people who know me well, know that I am definitely a non-conformist
And I should not be ashamed to admit that, should i?
We are all uniquely made, and it's our differences that discern us from "anybody", "somebody" and "nobody"
I want to be myself and not care so much anymore
I don't want to care anymore about how accepted I am by this society
It's time to start caring more about how this society will be accepted by God when He comes
Sorry if this post seemed too incoherent
Feeling like I've successfully sorted out my thoughts
Thanks God, for being the peace in my troubles. (:
On a side note:
1. Thanks huix for Wednesday, for the fab high school canteen lunch (without falling again) (I was honestly worried) and for the companion, inspiration and encouragement (:
2. Next week seems to be a meet up w everyone from the past week, and I pray for serenity
3. I want to learn First Aid and (hopefully) be able to save lives (inspired from reading past WR report during PW)
4. Sponsoring a child w Authentic girls (: pw group seems receptive to the idea too! Hope to reach out to more people to do this meaningful thing together (:
5. He is at the center of my life. He has shown me this week that He, does not and will not shut Any door in my face without opening at least a window. He reserved nothing but the best for me. And with this faith, I will proceed with my next plan.
6. Mrschin please return me my form on Monday pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
"I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16: 8-11
"耶和华啊，你已经鉴察我，认识我。 我坐下，我起来，你都晓得； 你从远处知道我的意念。 我行路，我躺卧，你都细察； 你也深知我一切所行的。耶和华啊，我舌头上的话， 你没有一句不知道的。你在我前后环绕我， 按手在我身上。 这样的 知识奇妙，是我不能测的， 至高，是我不能及的。 我往哪里去躲避你的灵？ 我往哪里逃、躲避你的面？ 我若升到天上，你在那里； 我若在阴间下榻，你也在那里。 我若展开清晨的翅膀， 飞 到海极居住， 就是在那里，你的手必引导我； 你的右手也必扶持我。 我若说：黑暗必定遮蔽我， 我周围的亮光必成为黑夜； 黑暗也不能遮蔽我，使你不见， 黑夜却如白昼发亮。 黑暗和光明， 在你看 都是一样。 我的肺腑是你所造的； 我在母腹中，你已覆庇我。 我要称谢你，因我受造，奇妙可畏； 你的作为奇妙，这是我心深知道的。 我在暗中受造，在地的深处被联络； 那时，我的形体并不向你隐藏。 我未成形的体质，你的眼早已看见了； 你所定的日子，我尚未度一日 ， 你都写在你的册上了。 神啊，你的意念向我何等宝贵！ 其数何等众多！ 我若数点，比海沙更多； 我睡醒的时候，仍和你同在。
神啊，求你鉴察我，知道我的心思， 试炼我，知道我的意念， 看在我里面有什么恶行没有， 引导我走永生的道路."
(诗篇 139:1-18, 23-24)
