3/6 mutterseelenallein
Tuesday, June 3, 2014 | 6/03/2014 01:34:00 AM | 0 comments
It's a really really really long post because I dk when the next time I get so much time/inspiration/determination to sort out my thoughts will be
So you can take your time and slowly read this over a few days (-:
/
Tonight, drama started again, and I felt pretty alone.Alone, especially because sissy wasn't around, as usual.
She hardly is, and I usually have to be the responsible one cleaning up the shit.
It's just that usually when bigger messes like that happen, she would be around.
She wasn't today.
/
A few nights ago, after a thunderstormy night of passing down and election disappointments (in case you didn't already know, I didn't get into exco, and also not even the smallest sl role because I don't have a section to even call mine hahaha talk about being a loser), my grandma offered me The chicken drumstick from this crystal jade chicken she bought for dinner w us on sat night. (which I gave up solstice for because my family overwrites everything now). I nearly teared up because a few gp lessons ago, our class kinda defined the Chicken Drumstick as a symbol of being favored (mainly for the guys). And up till recently, I used to be that only one grandchild that my paternal gramps prolly wished they never had.
I sent them home with dad that night, something I haven't done in a long time because I've been placing work/academics over them. It was the first day of holidays, and I went along with my dad. That night was a happy, guilt-free, blissful night because of its simplicity and having the ability to fulfill my heart's desires.
/
That same day from the few nights ago, I decided in the morning that I was going to throw in the towel for this thing called Friendship that I, lwha, would never really get to have in my life and because I had totally zero hope left.
I don't understand how I could've been so determined about something like giving up, but i was steel determined for some reason, and I guess part of the hopelessness came from the fact that after Friday, I officially have to say goodbye to yepmam, since realistically, it cannot exist anymore. I was hoping really hard that friends would not be people who leave after they succeed and you fail. Yet up till today, none of the 4 of them have spoken a word to me, for what reason I really don't know of.
I haven't even had the chance to congratulate them, because I'm the loser now that they dont have to give a shit about haha.
And it's these things that dig the insides of my heart out, leaving it a mere beating piece of muscle tissue, rid of blood, flesh and contents.
Although I'm not part of the exco, all of them were the people of my choice/votes (we got to vote too) (actually ok yeah I didn't vote for one of the scs duh) and I think that they are the best exco that could have formed from our batch.
It just hurt to know that after that night, I lost the 4 closest batchmates that I had left, and 50% of why I still go for band, and that for some reason hurt more than the fact that I didn't get anything (But then again I have never really meant much to them/anyone so I guess I shouldn't have expected anything from them?)
It's a fact to me, that no matter how well people may convince the whole group (band or wtv) during speeches/personally tell you that they will not leave you out or let you feel excluded/aim to make everyone feel included in the group, if you're a loser, you naturally will still eventually get left out. (Like how someone has already started telling me "oh yeah We left that out! Thanks for reminding Us!" ((I thought it was supposed to be a Batch thing (; ))
Back to what I wanted to say. So that whole day I was just feeling like I won over some part of myself after having decided to give up on friendship and trudge on with life as a brave lone soul.
But that evening, God worked. I'm sure it was Him, because of the timing of events.
Roo, who I hadn't replied/talked to in bout 2months, and Cjj, then Ashley, suddenly texted me that night.
They reminded me that there are still people besides my family (even if only have 1 or 2) that still care, and I was really touched.
(Okay I admit that I'm at fault quite some times because i don't like people to care for me and I don't like to tell people when I actually want/need their comfort/care)
I can't thank God more for choosing that timing to bless me with friendship because the fact that though it might be less than a handful, i still have people who i can call friends, smacked me right in the face.
But ever since going through the thought process of giving up, I've already made up my mind that I really don't quite care anymore; I can do without them. If people want to be in my life and be friends with me, they will make the effort to. There is no longer any need to get myself so tired and dirty and worn out (or simply put in Chinese 狼狈) over people that just don't care/aren't worth it.
As in, I definitely won't forget the people who were there when I needed them (and this to cindy though idek if cindy still reads: stay strong because you're one of the best people I ever know exists, you can pull through this and I'm still here cheering for you) but I'm not someone who forgets the people who were blind&deaf when I needed them either.
This June holidays, the only people that I intend to meet up with are Cjj&Hh and maybe Ashley. There's class chalet but lol prolly/most likely no. The class is officially in gangs and cliques and I'm just foreverlost in the drama/not even trying anymore to find out what's going on. Everyone is nice, im just the loser. But then again, I won't not go for class chalet/spoil market just because I'm a loser. I dw to go there with hopes of spending time with people and ending up talking about the only topic we have now- Ships HAHAHAHA.
/
In case you didn't know! (idk how long I haven't updated this place properly heh)
I'm going be away in msia for tpmc church camp this weekend! Then UK with the family (w/o sissy) from next tues!
Feeling pretty crazy/mad mugging cos school teachers and mrk are all quite )-:< with me for going overseas. But I really do need this break and I'm just waiting everyday for UK and I'm slogging my guts out to prepare for blocks now (day1 today and it was quite good/on task for econs & SEA history except I didn't manage to finish the whole math SnS!) and trying to fit piano practicing and programme notes making in between and not caring about packing [what is packing anw hahha] I keep telling myself to hang in there just for that few more days, and then I'll be back in UK.
I loveeee UK. And I miss it. And this time round my parents will be self-driving. It's more risky and quite dangerous, but also more adventurous. Lets just pray and trust that God will lead us through. If He doesn't, I honestly don't mind going Home now (or in UK)
/
Some people say I'm a really negative person.
I'd say that I think I'm a pretty positive/optimistic person. To me, being optimistic is not only about forever seeing one bright side of life and not even seeing anything bad in life. That is optimistic to some extent, but I feel it's more idealistic, and maybe even ignorant of reality to a certain degree. And if that was optimistic, i doubt that with all the failures and setbacks and reality I've seen& been through, id ever be able to be an optimistic person.
To me, optimism is the ability to see things for how they are/ how bad shit actually is, and choosing to look at the good/bright side of it.
That's how I would describe my optimism, at least.
I might be wrong. Or I might just be trying to be more optimistic about my negativity. hahaha xD
Same for being a "nice"/accepting person. (But for this, I would honestly plainly declare that I'm not one.)
Sure, people who really are pure and caring and don't see your flaws at all are really "nice" people. But I'm not such a saint who can overlook people's flaws. Instead, i am someone who will see your flaws first, even choose to find all your flaws, before I accept you for who you are.
I don't like the idea of seeing someone as flawless/perfect because I don't believe that anyone is perfect and it makes me feel like I'm seeing an unreal person/not accepting and liking the person for who&what they are.
So forgive me if I make you feel like I judge you a lot/dislike you initially. It takes time for me to see people, discover their flaws and accept them, but when I do, I accept people from the bottom of my heart. (Maybe also why I take a while to warm up to strangers)
So I'm not a nice person. I'm just me.
Then there are some who have been saying stuff like "you always look happy/laugh so much in real life, but you're secretly such an emo person." (Making me feel like I'm very fake/plastic.)
And then some take it to a higher level and wonder if I'm trying to attract attention with my laughter.
1. I don't really care anymore about what people want to think of me; I only raised these cos I wanted to share my thoughts/feelings on those statements
2. Because I know that everyone on earth has problems, whether or not they choose to show it, and I don't want to be a burden/make life worse by walking around hanging all my burdens out for others to see and feel more depressed. I hope that by smiling and laughing more, I can try to at least not remind ppl of their probs for a while. Simple as that. But it doesn't mean I don't have problems. Everyone has, happy people or not.
3. Sorry but I don't really want to wait for people to be attracted by me/give me their attention in order for me to be happy. I laugh and smile outside because I am happy, and I want to make myself happy; no one else but me. And I know that I'm not someone who gets much attention in the first place so please don't worry for me that I will get any kind of excessive attention thanks(-:
/
Lastly I have new revelation rgd perspectives!:
Always think of it as you having it luckier than others, especially when you are about to discriminate/segregate/get angry with/dislike the person, it makes you a much more thankful person.
Eg I've met with many failures, and others have not. So when they cry over getting a B for exams instead of an A, instead of despising or judging, I will comfort them and understand that they have not been as lucky as me to have ever gotten an F.
Or
If you wonder how some people can lack eq so much/act very weirdly and cannot communicate with others well (ie me) try to understand that we haven't been as lucky as you to have received such good education on eq/have such a developed brain/have so many friends to interact with and shape us, then look at yourself and feel more blessed ba!
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Conclusion HAHAHAHA:
1. I'm getting restless from being the unconfident stupid overconcious girl I am and I want to try break out of it- say what I wanna say and do what I wanna do without caring about what others think; those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter
2. I'm going to be happy and hang in there/move on with life no matter how bad things are because I know that I'm not the only one going through shit and there are many others who are worse off than me and at the end of the day, everything will definitely be okay.
3. 对任何事情，学习拿得起、放得下、看得开, then life won't be half as bad as it as it looks
4. The only constant in life is change, and not any one person will be able to stay in your life forever (as in people enter at different times, and for some they die first/for others you die first), so just get used to and accept the fact that people will leave/learn to be alone.
6. Man up and be strong, because in life not many people will be there to clean up for you all the time.
7. Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on smiling
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll see that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be; all will be well.
/
What it feels like to be loved less:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/chloe-clifton/2014/05/what-it-feels-like-to-be-loved-less/#QO0hsTRho1soELZV.01
Hard things you need to do to be successful:
http://www.businessinsider.com/hard-things-you-need-to-do-to-be-successful-2014-1?IR=T&
Poetry Slam- Pretty:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
