22/6 brave.
Sunday, June 22, 2014 | 6/22/2014 07:24:00 AM | 0 comments
I hate factory outlets.
I hate seeing that hungry look on people's faces as they walk past the shops with big names
I hate seeing how people get so happy leaving with big bags when I know inside that that happiness on the face can not possibly last them so long
I hate the way people are so pragmatic
I hate how many think that "these people have these only because they can afford them. Wow these people are admirable and cool."
I hate that feeling of greed, hunger, lust, maybe, in me as I see the things that I like
I hate wanting these expensive, overpriced shit when I know I don't actually need them and that most of their worth comes from mainly a word (the brand) that gained popularity over the years.
I hate that feeling of fear when I realize/tell myself that I don't actually need them- the fear that without these, people would not see me as worthy enough.
I hate admitting these out loud for a public that is probably judging me enough already. Hahahaha.
The next time mom, or anyone asks, "do you want this?", I must learn to be strong enough to say 'no'.
/
I predicted that this would happen.
I hate having to sound like such an arse, so negative and so against everything.
I contemplated that message I wanted to send in my head for more than I should have, wondering if I should continue to even care or give enough of a shit to try.
I would bet that the response would be negative.
I would bet that the thoughts would be "she's starting all over again. Why is she so negative? is she just jealous or something?"
It took me awhile to decide to overlook the possibilities of these. Of being judged.
I decided not to care whether people will understand me or not. Let them think that their biggest mistake was leaving me hanging loosely like that, because I am nothing but a troublemaker who will create so much trouble that they wished I didn't exist.
I decided I don't care if I will ever be understood by them. If they truly understood me like I hoped they would, they would understand where I'm coming from and i wouldn't have to try so hard to sugarcoat my words and my message.
I decided that I will not care about just being seen as a bad guy for the rest I my life.
/
The past half year, I tried my best to show people that I am nice. Honestly, I think I've tried too hard. It was becoming too much of a "I must be nice because this is a societal norm and because people will judge if I'm mean." Mindset rather than from-my-heart actions.
I'm not going to care any longer what people want to think of me.
From now on, I will try to be nice just as I like it.
I will not let myself hear or ever be bothered again by another "I thought you were nice."
From now on, I want to care less of what people think of me.
I will not let myself hear or ever be bothered by another "what a loser", or "what are you trying to show off with your pics on Instagram".
I will not let myself hear or be bothered by how many likes my pictures can get and how many others can.
/
This trip has given me so much:
The things I see that cannot be found or bought at factory outlets, and the memories imprinted-
I cannot put them into words, at least not yet.
Call me selfish, but at least for now, these are the things that I would like to keep to myself first.
When I've had enough time to process and solidify these, the ones who are closer will prolly be the first to get the bits and pieces through conversations.
Then the pics will go up when I decide I'm ready to open + have time to upload them. (Sidenote-realised that last dec's Europe pics aren't up yet hahahahaha)
^That's for those who have been wondering why I havent posted daily/detailed posts bout this trip and think that this trip has gone wrong- no it hasn't and it's just too golden to be shared now. If you don't care about anything and just think I'm dam show with my life, unfollow me on insta, twitter and fb, then erase this bloglink from your history forever. Tadaaa.
/
I'm so screwed for pw+ blocks that idk how to spell the word shit anymore (the word used to be screwed)
/
I need to stop being an angry teen
I need to stop being such an arse to all the innocent people in this world/ everyone except God and my family
I need to stop blaming my past for my present, and need to stop wishing it didn't exist.
I need to grow up and stop being such a tyrant.
I need to care less and just be happy because I have everything I want
I need my dream farm with pigs and dogs and horses and sheep and cows and me
I need to be me
I need to be less me
Irdk what I really need now
I need God.
I just need more trust in Him.
/
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just want to see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
-Brave/ Sara Bareilles
