21/4-22/4 welter
Tuesday, April 22, 2014 | 4/22/2014 04:02:00 AM | 0 comments
I feel like laughing yet I'm flinching
I don't like this
I don't like the idea of breaching even simplest rules
And I'm for some reason, feeling betrayed by the source of this idea.
"Those who cannot obey, cannot command."
As of tonight, you have lost my respect for you.
2. Finally spent some time w yj today (mon), after a very very, very long time (compared to seeing each other every.day. last year) cos someone admitted to missing me (kekekehahahahaha) B-)
It felt really nice, although I think I could have been nicer/less hostile. I was being really frank and asking why I always am parked under her backup plans/was nearly abandoned even ytd xD oh well. It's what I really feel/what really seems to be the case and I've given up trying to hide from people of my past/act like everything's ok sooooo yup I believe honesty is the best policy.
Somehow, Nothing's changed, yet everything has, and idk what to feel.
3. I've signed up for HCGT backstage crew. There are only 3 members hahaha made up of me ss and abby, cos we love Royanne xD
We sat there for 3 hrs doing nth today cos... They don't actually really need us. And I didn't sign up for the cca or cip or whatever shit points. I thought she/they genuinely needed help but i think they coped quite well...? (Or maybe cos we haven't rlly done a full run) but I feel bad quitting cos if they rlly need help then...
Anw! The performances are reaaaally cool like even ss and abby were in awe and saying "I didn't know hc had any talent much less so many talents"
Yup!!! It's FOC and it'd be in the Audi next wed so come watch and enjoy yourselves (-:
Plus ry (/someone in my life these few months who I've grown to respect a lot) is performing too! (I was so surprised and it was such a hilarious perf that I couldn't stop laughing) yup the perf is cool and funny and I could see the amount of effort put in-not only by ry but by every contestant!
4. I think sometimes I'm such an awkward person that people are actually stunned by my reactions/ability to be this awkward (Eg ss/ ab today). I also think I need to stop being scared of strangers/teachers HAHAHHA
5. It's been pretty hilarious this period seeing all kinds of people desperately applying for all kinds of leadership positions, which makes me wonder if there's still a point in all these councils and leadership roles-- it's pretty obvious what the purpose of some of these people are, and it's definitely not to serve or to lead HAHAHAHAHA nvm xD
Politics came in today rgd one of the councils and I was rendered speechless by the distance people actually go to to drag others down and lift themselves up-- it's actually pretty terrifying.
Sometimes I wonder how people are so smart to think of such things and part of me actually wants to clap and be awed.
Yet at other times I feel quite sad for them.
Also I sometimes feel stupid because I don't really know how to think of/do these kind of things which makes me destined to be a loser.
But well like a few people told me after election results, "you don't need a leadership position to prove anything."
In my case I know that I will never be a leader--at least not the type that can rara/ stand in front of ppl and please em kind of person. (So technically I have 0 right to talk about others heh.)
But yeah I do applaud and admire the uhm courage (oomph!) that people have to fight for what they want and try grab as much as they can hahaha I'm just not the kind of person who likes to fight with others for stuff (some/most ppl see this as a bad thing but I shall try to look at it positively)
I'm just feeling pretty confused by all the politics and the point of all these/ also quite fearful of society/ 'real' world now.
6. I feel like I've been a loser for the past few days cos I've been sounding so emo hahahahaa and idek why I acted liddat :p
Actually I'm not really sure who I am now. But I suddenly woke up and realized that being emo is such a retarded thing to do. I know I can be stronger than all these nonsense. I know that one of the only few things man has control over is their reaction, and it would be dumb to just let this ability become a handicap cos we all have enough handicaps already. I know that everything will turn out fine.
So I just need to stop my rubbish of feeling mopeyyyyy and being retardedly stupid hahaha life is too short to act this way! adel disapproves of adel (N)
7. Mrk half-reprimanded/made me aware of the fact that I have a terrible habit of biting my lip which "is a very ugly sight" and screams "I'm tense and nervous!" --I must stop this nonsense!!!
8. This lousy ol' bodaye is dying againnnn and sigh idek how
Maybe it's the flu buggggg
Must listen to the ct's words lol be healthy in mind and you'll be healthy physically!
I think I'm pretty healthy everywhere though xD
9. Playing class/mini recital is this sun and I'm feeling really nervous but when I tried to prac piano just now my hands felt jelly and bleh cos I wasn't feeling well (so I gave up on the torturous Czerny technique practices and went to sleep ha ha ha) agsaknsakmaa try harder tmr! ahhhhhh the stress oh goose I don't even know which piece I should play and mrk isn't being exactly helpful he was just like "play all on sat then decide" mehhhh I don't like this feeling
10. My mama has been telling me to stop only thriving on others' affirmations. They are not that important hahaha. So okay I made a new resolution-- to become a more confident person by the end of jc. Although I've never been a 起眼/看得顺眼 person, and as second child + results sucky + everything bad person, I don't usually get any attention/suck too much to deserve any, But. I shall tryy to learnnn xD
From now onwards, I shall attempt to strike off all "I need to become"s, and focus on just one.
I need to stop caring so much about what other people think and believe in myself. And God. And the people around me. Yes.
Excited for bmtc outing tmr hahahahha pray I will wake up feeling well enough to go (actually I think I will go no matter what this sounds too fun to be missed!!)
Ending off w a pic of this short quote I saw at the side of my dad's calendar which is really inspirational and motivational-- I shall learn from it (-: Speaking of which he's gone overseas and the house feels really funnily empty w/o sissy and popz sigh can't wait for the weekendsssss!
