29/3 hall of fame
Saturday, March 29, 2014 | 3/29/2014 10:25:00 AM | 0 comments
(I actually have a lot on my mind today and I tried to keep this as short as I could so I wouldn't waste your time but I'm sorry some self-therapy was much needed hahaha.)
"Thank God it's Friday" was really applicable to me ytd after having slept at unholy hours and waking up at even unholier hours for the Entire week.
Thank God for not having to set 5 alarms with different music to wake up today!
Thank God I could wake up on my own body's accord this morning-- it really truly is such a blessing to be able to do so! (-:
Thank God I didn't have to go to sleep worrying about anything last night (-:
Thank God there is no piano lesson today, because I haven't had time to even touch the keys this week and I kinda feel extremely bad. So thank God for 2hours extra time today to do the things I needa do (-:
2. FamILY
Waking up happily to realize I'm home alone with my helper is pretty dam sad. (Thank God for my helper though!) I miss my parents much haha. And waking up to my every Saturday black carrotcake fresh from lorong8 market! (Parents got stuff on so no market trip today );)
This weekend, I shall try to set aside abit more time to spend with my adolescent-turning-teenager brotherr. I don't really know how I'm going to reach out to him (obv cos im not going through puberty and teenager as a guy) but like everyone says, as the closer sister, I should try to motivate him more! (This lousy older sister is finally making some resolution to be a better sister HAHAHAHA)
Love my parents and family so much (:
3. March Holidays
Lesson learnt from march hols:
Finish work before playing- 先苦后甜!
Stupid me stupidly thought that I'd have the whole week to do hw and spent the first Sunday of hols playing/slacking, then ended up having to rush through work this entire week. (Talk about dire consequences)
Seems like I need that kindergarten-taught reminder in my head more. And I will apply it this weekend!
Some part of me feels glad that I didn't get to play much during the hols, cos I would've needed much more time to readjust/get back into study mode if I did. Yet some Other part of me feels like I haven't played enough during te hols and now I keep dreaming of doing everything else except study.
3 must-do things for me during the hols are always:
• Movie Marathonnnn!
In case you don't alr know, i love watching movies- any movie with happy endings! (Except horror which I don't think I would ever wanna watch /new discovery after class outing on mon/)
I like the feeling of being in another world and seeing things end well and learning so much about life from the plots (-:
•Bake! I have 2 new recipes/items that I've been dying to try out!! But I also miss my classics esp choc chip maple cookies!
•Cycling. I like cycling along the paths of ecp that I've gotten so familiar with after 7 years. I love feeling carefree and cycling with/against the wind, going up slopes to enjoy the ride down (the only time I actually like going downwards)
Guess how many I actually managed to do this hols--None. hahaha xD Ashley actually asked me out to watch Divergent ytd and that was what I'd been looking forward to the whole week, but she ended up having urgent matters and needing to fly back to tw >< I read e series of books and I love the characters so much and I wanna watch the movie pretty badddly but NO because life atm has no more time for me to waste.
4. Campaign
Here's a special shoutout to Khor and Johnny Bravo for all the help with our gimmicks/boards ytd: THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS!
They stayed back till nearly 9pm to help out, and I was really touched. Khor ended up not going for other plans and Johnny stayed so late when he was prolly tired after training and had dinner waiting at home. And at that time, no one else (incl me) in Mars was actually present/doing anything. I feel really guilty yet thankful that I have such selfless classmates. (Btw I honestly seriously cannot get along with Johnny/we're forever scolding each other for some reason, but I know that Johnny is really truly nice inside.)
I'm also really thankful for the random affirmation from a VIP in my life. (The VIPs in my life are really big shots in te sense that they are usually too busy to appear/care HAHAHAHA.)
Imy cindy but I guess life goes on so let's just jiayou together.
Gonna start preparing speech after this post is done and gonna get Qy to take a look. Really thankful for him too haha for all the support/ encouragement and "can one la!"s HAHAHHAA xD
My hopes are still at minimum but I'm just giving my best shot while I'm at it- take it that I'm running this last lap of race with the rest of the group. I'll help as far as I can and do as much as I can.
I'm pretty excited for this to end- either way I'll be really happy. If I don't get in, I get to go teach the kids, help out for MPS, concentrate on piano and work hard for many other things(: if I don't get in, I can find friends to go watch Divergent with me as celebration hahaha I know some ppl really don't want me in xP
5. week One
'Twas basically an exhausting zombified life- spent going to school, school, going home, 10mins dinner, 20mins shower, setting alarms, working till fall asleep, waking up to work, and rushing to school.
On weds night, aunt came knocking on the door and she was soo bad that I nearly couldn't get out of bed on thurs. I was dying of cramps in school/ cold sweating the whole day but i put on my huge wide smile and survived hopefully without anyone except boo and nicole knowing that sth was wrong with me. (Cole and me and our gory jokes throughout e day HAHAHAHAHA)
Ytd, the cramps were a little less bad/I could get out of bed and I was happy! But my mouth suddenly felt dam itchy when I saw cold drinks. So I drank literally a Sip of huix's ice lemon tea and spent the rest of the afternoon cringing/feeling stabbed repeatedly/cold sweating/worse than thurs. During CT boo went to the toilet w me to puke. But after that/later in the evening, the cramps Died. /pops party poppers/
Then we went to macs for dinner cos it was rlly hot. I tried mcspicy for the first time in my life (it tastes rlly rlly good and it isn't even that spicy?!) and cos I was scared of the burger at first, I upsized my drink. All those happened without my brain churning a single time. I realized what I did when I was clearing my tray. I went home and quickly went to shower/sleep so I wouldn't have to face the aftermath xD
This week was crazy! I didn't even have time to stop and think about life. but that's a pretty good thing in a way (: and there were good times in all the bad too.
I enjoyed the week (-:
6. Reminiscence
I haven't once taken a look at that white disc, decorated w my name by kang, lying around in my room. It's been nearly two months now. I've been missing it. I miss it in my hands. miss corking my wrist. miss spinning/playing with it. miss flicking it. miss sprinting for it. miss catching it. miss seeing it spin gracefully in the air. My hands crave for it. The sides of my fingers miss fitting into the inner rim of the disc. But there's a barrier, something preventing me from looking at it, from picking it up.
Jia said she feels this way too- "it's just weird and awkward." I was thinking that maybe one day I'll ask Jia out- just the both of us, we'll flick and play and bring back the times.
But I'm not sure if I will ever be able to pick it up again, to hold it with confidence/without flinching, to flick it with the hope and vigor I once had.
有些东西，失去了就找不回.
有些事，发生了就无法转回.
Let bygones be bygones- I'm letting go!
7. Disclaimer: this is overserious so please skip if you cannot tank. There are many things that I wanna say but don't rlly know how to haha so this shall be the chunk of weird shit lumped together as something called Feelings.
• Ytd I was playing a game and a qtn was asked- Use 1 word to describe yourself.
I said "imperfect" then, but immediately after saying it, I realized that it was an overly honest reply for people who don't know me at all. I bet they were like secretly thinking "she dam weird". Ahaha.
Thank God I was with only 2 others #hopelesslyawkward
•Honestly, I kinda feel like I made a wrong decision to tweet my link that day. Idk why I even wanted to try opening up. But I've done it again and again- share this link, partly because under certain circumstances, I feel obligated to do so. partly because maybe, just maybe, I wanna give people who might care a chance to know me. I hope people don't start thinking I'm some despo girl craving for attention HAHAHAHAHA maybe they already do. But like I said before, I. don't . care. (-:
• I actually feel too open all of a sudden, to people that don't know my past and where/what I emerged from. I'm afraid that after they read this pretty terrible place, they will change their attitudes towards me and look at me differently. In fact it actually happened with someone who I've just drifted apart from this week, and I just found out that the person read this place, which made me kinda have a "so this is why it happened" revelation. I don't blame anyone though haha. In fact, I would advice you to, like them, turn away and run/not be my friend anymore after reading this place, cos IF is not a nice place to be in and I'm not a nice person to be friends with xD
• I unconsciously started saying 2 words that I've had to consciously remind myself not to say/do for a long time: go away.
The light context is the light context. If I use it in a normal convo with a normal friend eg classmate teases and I jokingly act hurt and say go away, it's just a joke.
On to the more serious context with more serious implications:
I'm not sure if I should start reminding myself to stop. I don't mean it most of the times- it's just something I randomly blurt out. But me using/acting those 2 words have hurt more people than I'd have liked to, so I've had to consciously remind myself not to.
Yet people usually leave no matter what, so maybe I should just make them leave first. Andddd.
Gosh this is overconfusing I shall stop pondering over such a complex issue and just be happy xD
• What it's like when someone finds something better and gets sick of you:
Everything that person did for you before goes to the new interest- Waiting, helping, spending time & effort; initiatives. I realized only ytd, after so long, that it's happened, and I feel like more than a fool, for a) having grown accustomed in such a short period of time; b) only realizing it after such a damn long time.
It doesn't matter, because there never was anything or any obligations to stay at all. In fact, I prolly wasn't even in the picture/an interest to begin with xD
It was just a growing habit- reliance, and emptiness when I felt that tap on my shoulder and turned around to nothing. It was a game that I started playing with myself. Thankfully, it didn't become a habit. Thankfully, the webs of attachment were not yet spun. Thankfully, God has kept my heart and my mind safe.
I fear commitments. I fear reliance. I fear anyone coming close.
So I have to, love to, want to act like I don't care. In fact, I really don't.
8. Chinese
Recently I've been pondering over this word: 吵
为什么少了一口会成吵？
还是吵是用来叫一个人少用口? xD
That's what I really love about Chinese- all the characters.
I remember I once talked about 闷 too. By far, I think that's one of the most apt Chinese words ever. 心在门里=闷.
Really love Chinese HAHAHAHA xD
Brings me to my next point
9. 够
Many things have happened and I have been trying to tell myself recently: you are good.
I might not be good enough for everything and everyone in this world (seriously hahaha I haven't found a single thing or a person that I'm good enough for). but I am good. I hope/know I am good for God too. I am His child and He is proud of me. I just have to live to make Him proud and that's all that matters.
Maybe y'all might think I'm being self delusional/unrealistic by thinking that I am good. But maybe, just maybe.. I could be.
Maybe, I just need to believe in me.
够里头有'多'。
不止足够，我还有更多。
I am good! (:
/awkwardmama bye/
