25/3 干杯
Tuesday, March 25, 2014 | 3/25/2014 07:11:00 PM | 0 comments
I did not mentally prepare myself for the new term that began today, and so today felt like a plain hard smack in my face.
Nothing about school was bad (except maybe having only 2hrs of sleep last night xD) I just felt like I got smacked for no reason hahaha.
I'm prepared and am fine with the work that's been thrown to us already cos yup we're students and that's what we go to school for! I'm happy to get the work I need to get actually, I just feel a lil sad because I don't think I would have enough time to do as good jobs as I would like to. I do enjoy learning, just not being tested and judged and thrown tons of stress upon for learning.
I'm more worried about what's to come ahaha, I fear that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the pace of everything, but like they say, 明天自有明天忧！ I just need to take one day, one hour, one step at a time and live in/enjoy today, for today.
I guess I was also unprepared for interactions with people again. I felt too awkward throughout the day and my heart was beating rlly fast when I left the house this morn (but it could be cos I was running pretty dam late for school).
Neither was I prepared to get back a failed econs script again! ahaha.
But that's okay! I've failed so many times. This once will not crush me because I have failed so many more times before, and so I will thank God for letting me fail all the times before, and failing one more time today. Quoting Meet The Robinsons (c) Disney, "From failures you learn. From success, not so much!"
I will work harder! Ganbatte!
Anyway my Lesson of the day: prepare/(sufficiently) for every start in future or I would end up with a rough day for no reason.
As I was doodling on my history notes during our whispered lecture, "start off on the right foot /inserts drawing of my right foot/, pick off from the right note! /inserts a quaver/" First day of the term didn't go so well, but tmr I will make it right!
If I don't make it right and feel so meh alr after e first few days of school, this term would sure be hard to get by!
So tmr I will start it off right and well.
There's PE tmr which we will prolly have to run 2.4km for again which I'm secretly dreading but will turn to anticipating cos it will train my mental/physical strength and make me a stronger person! and I will come in last again but I will come in happy knowing I never once stopped throughout the run(-:
/
Now on to the more serious part! (-:
Today I was really cold to someone/I have been daoing a few people recently. I've managed to put my emotions aside and see logic, that it's best to keep my distance from anyone who seems to be getting anywhere close.
Cos I've learnt that it's not my fate to be close to anyone/go anywhere with any kind of ships- either I will get hurt badly or I will hurt others badly.
After all the scars, I'm nt that afraid of getting hurt anymore I guess, I'm just scared I will hurt others. So yeah.
I secretly feel bad and maybe abit sad for avoiding those people. But once a match has been lighted, I should put it off before it ignites the firewood and any fire actually starts/anyone gets burnt.
Im not sure if what I'm doing seems very ungrateful or stupid, because it seems like I'm not happy for the new people in my life now. I guess if people want to stay, they will. Except no one ever has and I'm not gonna hope or try to hope anymore.
From just the past 2 years alone, I've seen how boring (?) a person I am hahaha. People walk in and stay for 1 year+ or 2 and decide something else is better, get sick of my life and they walk out.
Although I think I've gotten past my past,
sometimes I can't help but think of the significance of all the past events and feel like a post-it or a toy. When people want to doodle or play, they will like me and stuff. Then they see a more attractive thing, or they're done with whatever was scribbled onto that post it. Crush it, throw it away. Hahaha.
I'm not an attractive person, never was, never will be. I'm uglier than ugly inside out, fatter than fat, boring as can be. I don't like taking pics, nor seeing my own face anywhere. This is pretty much me. But I have learnt to/ am learning to accept myself. I don't expect anyone to accept me or like me or anything anymore. I just need to be content with who I am and be able to live with myself.
I also dw those kind of feelings ever again, of being left behind after a while. And jc will last exactly 2 years. Once bitten, twice unshy. Twice bitten, thrice unshy. Tenth bitten, eleventh...I think i should at least try to learn from my lessons xD. So. Hahaha, I have finally woken back to reality and that was partly what helped me to throw my lame fantasies away.
I'm not saying that the people of the past were terrible. (In fact many of them are/were among the best people in my life I guess.) On hindsight, I'm thankful and grateful for those short (/too short), but colorful and memorable times.
Lesson from this revelation: Love this world-love everything about this beautiful place, but get attached to nothing, and expect nothing.
Actually.
I'm not being sad here! I guess it's just my fate and I've learnt to accept it alr (: in fact I'm feeling more peaceful and happy than I've felt the whole day, because I'm at home, in my comfort zone, and I dont feel so awkward.
I think some ppl might be shocked again cos they'd think I'm a very sad person/feel sad for me(?) idk hahaha.
My view is that- I don't think after everything that has happened in these 17 years, I can still believe in fluffy clouds, unicorns and happy ever afters. Neither will i ever be able to fully trust anyone other than God again. As much as I like to be optimistic, I'm pretty much a realist, I guess. I like to feel down to earth, that I'm close to reality, and as far as possible, I will try to shove myself hard into the face of reality.
But I'm also really satisfied with life now. I try to/ am learning to give thanks for everything that happens and see the beauty in life. I love to notice the little things in life now, cos they're the prettiest. I'm trying to laugh as much and smile as wide as I can.
I guess that's more than enough for me. I won't try to make myself appear happier than I actually am, because that will not be the real me. If people think I'm emo and sad, so be it. I do not live to please this world. I live only for God.
Thank God for today, this terribly rough day. I will work harder for tomorrow! Jiayou guys, it's the first week of school-might seem tough but start it right and start it happy yeah (-:
Ending off with one of my favourite songs when I was p5 :)
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
-Unwritten/ Natasha Bedingfield
I'm sorry, because you were a great friend. It's my bad.
