Hello! Suddenly felt the pressing urge to blogggg ahaha but this post is non conclusive of everything this week! 

I give thanks for everything that's happened in this time that's made me smile and laugh and feel warm and happy, which is basically 85% of all of "this time" (: 

I thank God for every bad moment that has happened in this time because they remind me to treasure the good times more (: 

Thank God for the 1 week break that though will not feel like a break at all, but will be a break still hahaha. I feel really happy and thankful that I can set today aside for just resting and slacking instead of having to chiong stuff. I mean with the way life is now, being able to Not rush anything is kinda a blessing for me (:

To be honest, I've had thoughts of pulling out more than once, cos I know/have realized myself that... I'm probably not gonna make it in.

To begin with, anyone who sees me for the first time will not be impressed by my size or my looks. Neither will they be when they hear me speak, because I am simply not that kind of person. The heaviest thing on my mind right now is IoC next wed. I have yet to start drafting any kind of speech I can make, because I am bad at expressing myself. (Maybe God is fair in the way that I can't express myself well with words and stuff but my face is kinda tell it all) I am so fat that I do not even have the right to say that I look fat/feel bad for being so fat. Being able to whine that one is fat publicly is a right that only slim people have, because the truth is they aren't and others are able to tell them that they aren't. I look so bad (esp with lack of sleep) that I don't even dare to look at pics taken of me, even more not the videos we took for campaign video. With just these, I know, my chances are already lower than the average.

Next, most of the people running have really supportive friends. Like a group of 4 had 10 people painting their banner when our group of 5 had 3 ppl that one afternoon cos the other 2 had stuff on and no one else wanted to help us. I think the other 4 are all really popular so let's just talk about me ahaha. ((I'm super thankful for te A12 people that came down to help one of the other afternoons and sped up our whole process by at least 3X (although y'all might've felt like you didn't do much). ))

At that point, things were kinda tough for me (esp since I'm nt an artsyfartsy person) and I actually Tried to get someone down to help. The friend from the past said "ok I'll be down when I'm done in a while!" And never came HAHAHAHAHAHA. I didn't bother to ask anyone else after that. Then when we were done, some people were like "oh you could've asked me for help blablabla" so I was thinking during video that I could try to ask people again coz like maybe the banner stuff I didn't even really ask for help right? (we needed people to cameo and dance Wild Wild West for us without their faces being seen) so I tried, and nope. We're done with our video, and we've decided to just scrap that whole lame chunk HAHAHAHA.

Tbh, Ive always hated to ask for help because of instances like that where I feel so guilty for troubling others and being overreliant even when factually, at the end of the day, have they even done anything? XD

So yup. I wanted to pull out a few times, cos of that mainly. This isn't even about popularity. I was thinking realistically- if even people who know me are like that, am I gonna be able to convince 500 ppl to support me? How on earth am I going to?

It's the battle of being stronger than pulling out once I face difficulties VS being realistic enough to face the truth so as to prevent myself from falling/being scarred again. I've tried to tell some friends about this, but what they usually chidingly ask me in return is simply "why are you always so negative?"

Brings me back to why I wanna run. I've never really told anyone why. Simply put, I want to try to run and do this for God. But I'm not gonna elaborate cos I'd be threadig on thin ice and anticipating campaign demerits. As of now, I think I might just hold on for a while longer:

•Responsibility- I cannot pull out now and leave my 4 groupmates/my partner like that. Also, idw to increase chances for those who some people hve told me they have skepticisms about, so if I could at least serve as a deterrence to others for my group mates to succeed, i would do so, even if I emerge at the end scarred again. (Not saying that I should get in or that no one should have skepticisms about me! I'm alr useless/out of the picture in this case hahaha)

• What's meant to be, will be. I believe that if God wants me to get in, He will make a way for me. And if He doesn't, it's simply because He has much greater plans for me in future, and more important lessons for me to learn from this experience. So I will and must stop fretting over this/just leave everything to God!!! Oh goose this took up so much of my post >< 

Hello! Suddenly felt the pressing urge to blogggg ahaha but this post is non conclusive of everything this week! 

I give thanks for everything that's happened in this time that's made me smile and laugh and feel warm and happy, which is basically 85% of all of "this time" (: 

I thank God for every bad moment that has happened in this time because they remind me to treasure the good times more (: 

Thank God for the 1 week break that though will not feel like a break at all, but will be a break still hahaha. I feel really happy and thankful that I can set today aside for just resting and slacking instead of having to chiong stuff. I mean with the way life is now, being able to Not rush anything is kinda a blessing for me (:

To be honest, I've had thoughts of pulling out more than once, cos I know/have realized myself that... I'm probably not gonna make it in.

To begin with, anyone who sees me for the first time will not be impressed by my size or my looks. Neither will they be when they hear me speak, because I am simply not that kind of person. The heaviest thing on my mind right now is IoC next wed. I have yet to start drafting any kind of speech I can make, because I am bad at expressing myself. (Maybe God is fair in the way that I can't express myself well with words and stuff but my face is kinda tell it all) I am so fat that I do not even have the right to say that I look fat/feel bad for being so fat. Being able to whine that one is fat publicly is a right that only slim people have, because the truth is they aren't and others are able to tell them that they aren't. I look so bad (esp with lack of sleep) that I don't even dare to look at pics taken of me, even more not the videos we took for campaign video. With just these, I know, my chances are already lower than the average.

Next, most of the people running have really supportive friends. Like a group of 4 had 10 people painting their banner when our group of 5 had 3 ppl that one afternoon cos the other 2 had stuff on and no one else wanted to help us. I think the other 4 are all really popular so let's just talk about me ahaha. ((I'm super thankful for te A12 people that came down to help one of the other afternoons and sped up our whole process by at least 3X (although y'all might've felt like you didn't do much). ))

At that point, things were kinda tough for me (esp since I'm nt an artsyfartsy person) and I actually Tried to get someone down to help. The friend from the past said "ok I'll be down when I'm done in a while!" And never came HAHAHAHAHAHA. I didn't bother to ask anyone else after that. Then when we were done, some people were like "oh you could've asked me for help blablabla" so I was thinking during video that I could try to ask people again coz like maybe the banner stuff I didn't even really ask for help right? (we needed people to cameo and dance Wild Wild West for us without their faces being seen) so I tried, and nope. We're done with our video, and we've decided to just scrap that whole lame chunk HAHAHAHA.

Tbh, Ive always hated to ask for help because of instances like that where I feel so guilty for troubling others and being overreliant even when factually, at the end of the day, have they even done anything? XD

So yup. I wanted to pull out a few times, cos of that mainly. This isn't even about popularity. I was thinking realistically- if even people who know me are like that, am I gonna be able to convince 500 ppl to support me? How on earth am I going to?

It's the battle of being stronger than pulling out once I face difficulties VS being realistic enough to face the truth so as to prevent myself from falling/being scarred again. I've tried to tell some friends about this, but what they usually chidingly ask me in return is simply "why are you always so negative?"

Brings me back to why I wanna run. I've never really told anyone why. Simply put, I want to try to run and do this for God. But I'm not gonna elaborate cos I'd be threadig on thin ice and anticipating campaign demerits. As of now, I think I might just hold on for a while longer:

•Responsibility- I cannot pull out now and leave my 4 groupmates/my partner like that. Also, idw to increase chances for those who some people hve told me they have skepticisms about, so if I could at least serve as a deterrence to others for my group mates to succeed, i would do so, even if I emerge at the end scarred again. (Not saying that I should get in or that no one should have skepticisms about me! I'm alr useless/out of the picture in this case hahaha)

• What's meant to be, will be. I believe that if God wants me to get in, He will make a way for me. And if He doesn't, it's simply because He has much greater plans for me in future, and more important lessons for me to learn from this experience. So I will and must stop fretting over this/just leave everything to God!!! Oh goose this took up so much of my post ><