Feeling really really really jittery and nervous for my first day of school tmr, didn't go to school today cos uh I twisted my ankle Heh (you'll know why later!) ((I know everyone finished being jittery ytd alr)) School being official really does feel/sound different from IP weeks' activties-we have to be punctual now, have teachers to watch us, rules to follow and discipline to maintain. We're no longer "new" in a sense, and there will be 400 (?) outsiders joining our family.

I can imagine myself being super awkward and unable to blend in. I can imagine myself hiding behind ppl I know again like I've been doing ever since I graduated from ny. I can feel all the butterflies fluttering in my tummy rn. 

But I shall just keep thinking of how much of a loser I felt staying home today and how much regret I will have if I stay home again tmr, and feel better/a teeny bit more excited for school than I currently do. 

Many things happened these few days which made me really unwell- emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. (In order)

Im not gonna start listing out event by event because sometimes (/many times for me) emotions are not only felt when things happen.

Idk how to describe how it feels to be backstabbed repeatedly in a few days, abandoned a few times, worried constantly unwillingly, and fear terribly at the same time. 

But yep. I havent had the luxury of being able to sleep on a bed of rose petals in a pretty long while. 

(Not saying that I'm like the worst/saddest/most pathetic person on earth atm-no. I'm just talking bout me, my life and this period in this chapter of my life rn. I know I'm still a dam lucky person no matter what.) 

Yesterday was an especially bad day for me, partly because I was having a serious dilemma over which cca session to attend, coupled with feeling tired physically from cg sleepover 2 nights ago and not being well rested/having a good sleep the night before ytd. I was emotionally in a mess cos of grandpa and yup some other stuff got stuck in my mind/unwilling to clear at the wrong time.  

Nevertheless, two friends were there ytd when I was just plain gross, lost, disgusting, helpless, hopeless and at my complete worst.

I received a phone call when I felt like going crazy from the dilemma/ trial jitters, and broke down (sorry dam embarrassing) when I heard the caller's voice. I calmed down afterwards and decided to go for frisbee, because of the caller's persuasion, encouragements and comforts. 

Someone received a text from me when I finally felt like things were too much and i had to get them out. I was hoping for an hour of the person's time later at night to text. The person instead offered to meet me after frisbee training to talk in person, and ended up travelling to the frisbee training field just to save my sorry ass/ankle, send me home, listen to me talk nonsense and bandage my ankle for me. Although I told the person a lot of rubbish and mainly events rather than the deeper stuff, somehow when I started to talk and get things out, the problems seemed stupid and small/not as big as they felt.

So in a way, not going to school today was not only a blessing physically but emotionally. I would've been really unprepared to face so much more today if I did go to school. 

Ytd marked my last frisbee training, because it was the trials.

It was the last time I ever put on my cleats, did warm ups, harking drill (and caught a disc (-;); the last time I played in a real game.

It was the last, because here's e verdict: among the 12 girls who went for trials ytd, I was the only one who didn't get in besides Shauna who went there for the first time, to play.

I could come up with many excuses as to why I didn't get in:

-I was too unfocused, too tired and too scared (which all explain carelessly twisting my ankle at the last segment of the trial) 

-The trial was based on ytd's performance, and duration of/commitment for training sessions was not taken into account. I could not sprint fast enough, jump high enough, react well enough. 

-Marcus has never liked me/看我顺眼 right from the start

 

I am simply not good enough. I failed, in numbers, again. 

In return, frisbee gave me passion, happiness, commitment, the chance to do sports, the chance to feel that burning pride after catching the disc during harking drill and matches/making a nice throw. Frisbee taught me the lesson that reality is cruel-sometimes you give everything you have to produce nothing. Sometimes in life, you just will never be good enough no matter what-- the only one who will never be good enough. 

I am going to look at the good side of me not getting in:

1. I will never drag the team down because of my incompetency

2. I will not have to make the decision anymore 

Saying it out here that I got rejected feels pretty damn embarrassing, because it's like broadcasting HEY LOOK LOSER HERE!!! Yup, I am one. I put in nearly 4 months of everything to lose out to abigail who went for the first time yesterday, and lose out with shauna who went to play for the first time ytd. Not that I'm upset or anyth cos abby's really super good and I'm happy for her- I just think that that was the worst humiliation anyone could give me and me spitting it out here and accepting facts right nao would help me recognize where I stand so I wouldn't start crying/feel upset when people laugh at me for reality.

I don't actually feel sad now-maybe it's cos I feel relieved from the dilemma and happy to finally get back to where I wanna be-band; maybe it's just cos reality hasn't hit me. So don't feel bad for me-I have done my best, and I don't feel that bad for myself.

No matter what, I feel really thankful for all these time with HCUltimate, because it has undeniably brought me lots of joy and memories. I'm thankful for "Dem frisbee peeps" for being the first frisbee friends I made/first teammates I actually recognized and developed trust for, and Yepmam too, for having been so supportive and understanding all these while. So yup, after I knew the results, I thanked Beverly/the seniors for all their guidance and patience these months, then DFP (all the best guys!!), then I broke the news to yepmam. I actually feel abit proud of myself for having done all those from the bottom of my dying heart, and that up till now, I have not yet dropped a tear. (: It might not seem like anything to you guys, but it means something to me because it's courage that I never knew still existed.

This marks the end of the chapter- goodbye hcultimate. (: 

I'm not sure if anyone can understand anything I'm saying/have been saying now, because I can't even describe what's going on inside me rn and I'm so bad with English/at expressing myself.

In fact, I've been feeling like no one literally and metaphorically understands me this whole week. I'd feel like I can scream in someone's face and that person wouldn't understand; I'd feel seperated from the world. I wanted someone to understand. But it's okay with me now. There is no need for anyone to understand anything. 

God understands. I know He does. He has been giving me strength to last all the way till today. Actually, even surviving yesterday felt like a miracle to me. I don't think I would actually have, if not for God. I thank God, for everything He has done-good or bad, because I know He will lead me to where I need to be eventually. All these stabs, rejections, failures these few days- they're just going to make me stronger. 

I mean, comparing with old and new me, old me would prolly have cried till sgp flooded/idk what would happen if old me went through the past few days. 

I've spent the whole day reflecting on many things. In the process, I realized that as honest as I try to be with even the closest friends, Ive unknowingly put on a mask. One that even I can't really take off anymore. Im starting to feel like a dam fake/plastic person haha.

So if anyone wants to leave, I am no longer gonna try stop them not blame them- the door's wide open for you now, because I realized that I'm not good enough atm to have the right to ask anyone to stay. If you do stay, you'll prolly just see worse and worse sides of me, and you'll be a one of a kind person who stays with an alien when everyone has left. So my advice- everyone just run while you can xD

我要欢欣，感到欣慰，因为在患难中，神从不离弃我，当我伤心时，他也替我难过。他赐我数不清的恩典。所以恩欣，无论如何, 会欢欣. (:

Feeling really really really jittery and nervous for my first day of school tmr, didn't go to school today cos uh I twisted my ankle Heh (you'll know why later!) ((I know everyone finished being jittery ytd alr)) School being official really does feel/sound different from IP weeks' activties-we have to be punctual now, have teachers to watch us, rules to follow and discipline to maintain. We're no longer "new" in a sense, and there will be 400 (?) outsiders joining our family.

I can imagine myself being super awkward and unable to blend in. I can imagine myself hiding behind ppl I know again like I've been doing ever since I graduated from ny. I can feel all the butterflies fluttering in my tummy rn. 

But I shall just keep thinking of how much of a loser I felt staying home today and how much regret I will have if I stay home again tmr, and feel better/a teeny bit more excited for school than I currently do. 

Many things happened these few days which made me really unwell- emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. (In order)

Im not gonna start listing out event by event because sometimes (/many times for me) emotions are not only felt when things happen.

Idk how to describe how it feels to be backstabbed repeatedly in a few days, abandoned a few times, worried constantly unwillingly, and fear terribly at the same time. 

But yep. I havent had the luxury of being able to sleep on a bed of rose petals in a pretty long while. 

(Not saying that I'm like the worst/saddest/most pathetic person on earth atm-no. I'm just talking bout me, my life and this period in this chapter of my life rn. I know I'm still a dam lucky person no matter what.) 

Yesterday was an especially bad day for me, partly because I was having a serious dilemma over which cca session to attend, coupled with feeling tired physically from cg sleepover 2 nights ago and not being well rested/having a good sleep the night before ytd. I was emotionally in a mess cos of grandpa and yup some other stuff got stuck in my mind/unwilling to clear at the wrong time.  

Nevertheless, two friends were there ytd when I was just plain gross, lost, disgusting, helpless, hopeless and at my complete worst.

I received a phone call when I felt like going crazy from the dilemma/ trial jitters, and broke down (sorry dam embarrassing) when I heard the caller's voice. I calmed down afterwards and decided to go for frisbee, because of the caller's persuasion, encouragements and comforts. 

Someone received a text from me when I finally felt like things were too much and i had to get them out. I was hoping for an hour of the person's time later at night to text. The person instead offered to meet me after frisbee training to talk in person, and ended up travelling to the frisbee training field just to save my sorry ass/ankle, send me home, listen to me talk nonsense and bandage my ankle for me. Although I told the person a lot of rubbish and mainly events rather than the deeper stuff, somehow when I started to talk and get things out, the problems seemed stupid and small/not as big as they felt.

So in a way, not going to school today was not only a blessing physically but emotionally. I would've been really unprepared to face so much more today if I did go to school. 

Ytd marked my last frisbee training, because it was the trials.

It was the last time I ever put on my cleats, did warm ups, harking drill (and caught a disc (-;); the last time I played in a real game.

It was the last, because here's e verdict: among the 12 girls who went for trials ytd, I was the only one who didn't get in besides Shauna who went there for the first time, to play.

I could come up with many excuses as to why I didn't get in:

-I was too unfocused, too tired and too scared (which all explain carelessly twisting my ankle at the last segment of the trial) 

-The trial was based on ytd's performance, and duration of/commitment for training sessions was not taken into account. I could not sprint fast enough, jump high enough, react well enough. 

-Marcus has never liked me/看我顺眼 right from the start

 

I am simply not good enough. I failed, in numbers, again. 

In return, frisbee gave me passion, happiness, commitment, the chance to do sports, the chance to feel that burning pride after catching the disc during harking drill and matches/making a nice throw. Frisbee taught me the lesson that reality is cruel-sometimes you give everything you have to produce nothing. Sometimes in life, you just will never be good enough no matter what-- the only one who will never be good enough. 

I am going to look at the good side of me not getting in:

1. I will never drag the team down because of my incompetency

2. I will not have to make the decision anymore 

Saying it out here that I got rejected feels pretty damn embarrassing, because it's like broadcasting HEY LOOK LOSER HERE!!! Yup, I am one. I put in nearly 4 months of everything to lose out to abigail who went for the first time yesterday, and lose out with shauna who went to play for the first time ytd. Not that I'm upset or anyth cos abby's really super good and I'm happy for her- I just think that that was the worst humiliation anyone could give me and me spitting it out here and accepting facts right nao would help me recognize where I stand so I wouldn't start crying/feel upset when people laugh at me for reality.

I don't actually feel sad now-maybe it's cos I feel relieved from the dilemma and happy to finally get back to where I wanna be-band; maybe it's just cos reality hasn't hit me. So don't feel bad for me-I have done my best, and I don't feel that bad for myself.

No matter what, I feel really thankful for all these time with HCUltimate, because it has undeniably brought me lots of joy and memories. I'm thankful for "Dem frisbee peeps" for being the first frisbee friends I made/first teammates I actually recognized and developed trust for, and Yepmam too, for having been so supportive and understanding all these while. So yup, after I knew the results, I thanked Beverly/the seniors for all their guidance and patience these months, then DFP (all the best guys!!), then I broke the news to yepmam. I actually feel abit proud of myself for having done all those from the bottom of my dying heart, and that up till now, I have not yet dropped a tear. (: It might not seem like anything to you guys, but it means something to me because it's courage that I never knew still existed.

This marks the end of the chapter- goodbye hcultimate. (: 

I'm not sure if anyone can understand anything I'm saying/have been saying now, because I can't even describe what's going on inside me rn and I'm so bad with English/at expressing myself.

In fact, I've been feeling like no one literally and metaphorically understands me this whole week. I'd feel like I can scream in someone's face and that person wouldn't understand; I'd feel seperated from the world. I wanted someone to understand. But it's okay with me now. There is no need for anyone to understand anything. 

God understands. I know He does. He has been giving me strength to last all the way till today. Actually, even surviving yesterday felt like a miracle to me. I don't think I would actually have, if not for God. I thank God, for everything He has done-good or bad, because I know He will lead me to where I need to be eventually. All these stabs, rejections, failures these few days- they're just going to make me stronger. 

I mean, comparing with old and new me, old me would prolly have cried till sgp flooded/idk what would happen if old me went through the past few days. 

I've spent the whole day reflecting on many things. In the process, I realized that as honest as I try to be with even the closest friends, Ive unknowingly put on a mask. One that even I can't really take off anymore. Im starting to feel like a dam fake/plastic person haha.

So if anyone wants to leave, I am no longer gonna try stop them not blame them- the door's wide open for you now, because I realized that I'm not good enough atm to have the right to ask anyone to stay. If you do stay, you'll prolly just see worse and worse sides of me, and you'll be a one of a kind person who stays with an alien when everyone has left. So my advice- everyone just run while you can xD

我要欢欣，感到欣慰，因为在患难中，神从不离弃我，当我伤心时，他也替我难过。他赐我数不清的恩典。所以恩欣，无论如何, 会欢欣. (: