8/1 let it go
Thursday, January 9, 2014 | 1/09/2014 12:27:00 AM | 0 comments
11.25pmI have been over-emotional for the past few days and i guess I've finally come to my senses/想通ed. I've been a stupid person for the past few days.
I need to start finding my neutral stance, because it's only e 8th day of 2014 and I'm feeling more emotionally burnt out than i have been in a long time, for some reason which i can't figure out yet. There have been a few times since e end of 2013 where I was doing nothing and suddenly felt my eyes getting wet.
I can't afford to be this siao, especially when jc starts next week. I'm not kidding when I say I'm preparing for jc like I'm preparing for war, cos that's how much I dread jc and everything that will come with it. I can't afford to be so worn out when war, politics, change and society kick in in just a few days.
I will start my soul-searching, mind-clearing and heart-cleansing journey tmr, after I, in some crazy state of mind, decided to throw myself out of my comfort zone(s) yet again.
I'm going to a sec sch for 3 days 2 nights to help out at their sec1 orientation, fully organized by this organization Joel's in.
Pam is leaving on day2 which means I'll get a lot of alone time and awkwardness but I'm actually going to embrace it now.
Cos looking at the bright side- It might actually feel better being awkward around strangers than being awkward around acquaintances/ppl you actually know!
I watched Frozen again today, as part of Yj's 17th celeb (yep, MissionY was crashing her place w bern and lyn.)
It took my mind off many things for a while, and i laughed a lot cos it's such a good movie and I love Olaf so much (don't snatch from me/tell me you like him too I will hate you). I relearnt lessons that I was taught the first time.
The point of today's post:
Let it go.
The thought process that made me wake up was realizing that I should just be happy with status quo.
I've been feeling pretty down cos I felt like nothing.
But looking on the bright side, I'm glad that the people I care for the most have people they care for the most, who care for them.
I'm not good at caring, neither do I deserve to be cared for (/the most), so this is actually a good thing.
If someone else can care for someone I care about better, then i should be happy that there's this better someone around to care better for the person I care about, instead of whining here about idek what. If the person I care about cares for someone else more, this person would be happy too, because happiness is to care and be cared for.
Then I should be happy, instead of feeling that no one cares.
I felt comforted/started to wake up once I saw this side of the picture, and I also feel like a really spoilt, immatured and selfish brat for feeling the way I felt before.
Looking at the people I care about, yep, all of them do have people who can care much better for them, which is why they should treasure those people more, instead of...haha me who don't deserve it.
Even if I don't mean anything much to them, watching them happy, healthy and contented should make me happy enough.
There was also a period of time in the past where I didn't want anyone to care, because I was afraid of ----- one fine day and making others sad. That's a really good side to start looking at again now I guess. Except now I don't feel so pessimistic about my life and it coming to an end anymore. I mean, I still know reality, that it prolly isn't going to last as long as a normal person's life would, but everyone's eventually will come to an end. Then I could also feel more peaceful/happy going back home since im not really needed here or anything haha.
(This was not meant to be horrifying/scare you.)
Moving on!
I feel better now, and I guess God has his reasons for making me feel like that- I'm guessing I should turn back to Him and seek Him and only Him for all the love and care that I need. He alone is more than enough for me, and this way, I won't dread leaving this world that I don't belong to so much, or be overfocused on the things of this temporary world.
So I'm letting go.
((Easy to say, but not so easy to do for me, though I'm starting and trying already, hopefully some day soon I can succeed.))
I wish from the bottom of my heart that everyone I care for will just be as happy as they are with the people they care for who care for them, seeing everyone healthy and happy will be enough for me (:
Don't worry about me, cos I'm not exactly worried about myself? Haha I shall trust that my God will provide me with everything I want, be it hugs or angels or care or whatever.
This sounds like I'm about to say goodbye right HAHA. To be honest, I actually had the strong urge to do that, to shut this place again, because being out in the open (to me) prevents me from being myself to a certain extent. But idk how many people I will seriously piss off this time round if I shut down again (plus my one week dare hasn't passed sigh). Worse still, I have no idea who I can still let in if I shut down again.
So nope I won't ahaha. Besides, I've also heard that after closing ifbsc for 3 (near 4) months, my character changed to become more awkward/孤僻 XD (HAHAHA inside joke but this dam funny). Sooo I will try to compromise and make things better for myself and everyone without neglecting anything!
Goodnight, and thank God tnite for blessing me with wisdom to realize my mistakes!
((I should start doing my "1thing to be grateful for/1 happy thing today" thing again shouldn't I!))
#Lesson of the Day ((that's helped me a lot recently!))
