/content deleted/

10.28pm

I spent about 20mins during dinner releasing all my nonsense to cindy and I'm feeling pretty much better.

It was serious rubbish like there was a period of time I just spammed Cindy's real name. 

I'm happy cindy is here. 

I've dedicated this huge chunk to cindy hahaha no more for tnite HAHA 

People who can tank my nonsense (includes my loyal readers) are seriously the best people who seriously should get 10000 awards 

Today was a pretty good though extremely tiring day

I skated on an ice rink for the first time in my life!(: the best moment was the Last 5 Minutes (I was really sad when mm half dragged me out of e rink) because Let It Go started playing and I was so happy and I was actually (lol) singing (I nearly slipped and fell on my head though) ((lending penguin friends only to ppl <1.2m is serious height discrimination)) (((lucky I had a mm to hold most of the time/ Grab on to when I let go during the last few rounds)))

I would like to go ice skating more often because i feel pretty happy there although abit dumb just going round after round after round after round but it's a pretty good place for hthts. 

Mm is also the third person who I told about my dream job and the first to agree with me/approve. That meant something to me. 

I was dreading training to my guts (it was Churning) but I'm glad it didn't turn out worse than I expected? 

Like I was more than half te time kinda ignored by the two girls (it's nt their fault though they're just rlly close cos 4 yrs classmates), I didn't rlly have anything to say at all /just plain awkward but things were just not worse than I expected and I'm already grateful for that. 

We played in the rain fr about 1hr until it got too heavy and the lightning risk alert thing was flashing like mad so we seeked shelter in a HDB foyer 

I had the first PT session of my life. 

I think my muscles are going to be in a coma after today but it was not as bad as I expected it to be? 

We did 3 diff sets of arms core legs then played abit and went out for dinner.

I was tired after sleeping at 230 and waking up at 8 and it was also tiring not knowing what to say/being awkward/being ignored. So I was angst and irritated with the world and thank God for cindy. (Wow I'm back to you)

Let's just have some honesty time since it's the best policy.

1. I fear (along with 1000 other things) rejection, goodbyes, and failure, although sometimes I might come off as a gung-ho person. 

2. I have serious trust/insecurity issues ie I cant trust that anyone really cares, with the exception of a few like cindy. (So if you have this problem with me it's not your problem it's mine)

3. I think that if people are going to walk into my life with the intention of walking out the next moment, then they should just save their energy and save my emotions and just don't walk in in the first place.  

4. I think that if people want to tell you that they care but make no attempt to prove/show it, they should just not say that they care in the first place. Cos as much as I need reassurance from time to time, I need people who act their words. (But I'm sorry if the issue is me not letting people care-that's my problem) 

5. I wonder if everything I do on earth means nothing; if I'm just a nothing to everyone and everything. I wonder if anyone cares that I care, much less care bout me.

6. I decided today, that I won't trust anyone who doesn't read this place to say that they know me. I guess that people who read this place know more about me than most people do, even if irl we are strangers. The team feels like strangers and acquaintances to me. In fact most people in my life now feel like that, because no one active in my real life now reads this place, making me more awkward a person than I have been.

Anw, we played truth or dare during/after dinner. One of our games was to rate (certain) people by Looks, Personality and Figure. It basically goes against my judging principle which is why they gave up and changed my qtn to a (worse) YesNo thing cos I couldn't spit out a good enough rating for someone who the only thing I know about is his/her height. 

 

I shall end off by honestly taking a look at myself, cos otw home, I was thinking about the nonsense that I spilled to cindy and this thing.

Honestly taking a look at myself-

Personality: 4/10

Looks: 5/10

Figure: 2/10 

(This is just my pov. If you think it's too good/have strong disagreements, feel free to go to askfm because no one will know who you are and no one will hate you) 

One of the girls i know with one of the smallest bodies and nice looks and figure was rated a 8-7-7. So I automatically saw where I stood.

But with all my trust issues and such personality/appearances, 

I might just end up 0-0-0/friendless for life.

And that's the conclusion I've come up with today. 

I have a big problem that I have no idea how to solve now, in the future and in the near future. 

Idk how to be more lovable to get more people to like me/care for me and not ignore me. I also don't know how to have more trust that people will not walk away the next moment, much less trust that they care. I realized that there are some people and some convos that I have been dreading seeing/ don't reply, because I fear that people who abruptly start convos will let your reply just hang there, so many times I don't even want to talk/reply them. 

I wish there was a manual to teach you what it means when people care because other than God, sometimes I rlly can't tell if anyone really does. But I feel like ignoring the world and just heck caring now. 

Idk why I'm suddenly feeling so lame  and telling all of you this. I'm sorry if y'all get like angry or upset or disappointed or what because "wlao after everything I do you don't even believe me then why should I waste my effort and time on you" Maybe the point of this post is just to tell the people who really do care now to give up (this kinda includes you cindy) because I'm quite a hopeless case. 

Case closed.

/content deleted/

10.28pm

I spent about 20mins during dinner releasing all my nonsense to cindy and I'm feeling pretty much better.

It was serious rubbish like there was a period of time I just spammed Cindy's real name. 

I'm happy cindy is here. 

I've dedicated this huge chunk to cindy hahaha no more for tnite HAHA 

People who can tank my nonsense (includes my loyal readers) are seriously the best people who seriously should get 10000 awards 

Today was a pretty good though extremely tiring day

I skated on an ice rink for the first time in my life!(: the best moment was the Last 5 Minutes (I was really sad when mm half dragged me out of e rink) because Let It Go started playing and I was so happy and I was actually (lol) singing (I nearly slipped and fell on my head though) ((lending penguin friends only to ppl <1.2m is serious height discrimination)) (((lucky I had a mm to hold most of the time/ Grab on to when I let go during the last few rounds)))

I would like to go ice skating more often because i feel pretty happy there although abit dumb just going round after round after round after round but it's a pretty good place for hthts. 

Mm is also the third person who I told about my dream job and the first to agree with me/approve. That meant something to me. 

I was dreading training to my guts (it was Churning) but I'm glad it didn't turn out worse than I expected? 

Like I was more than half te time kinda ignored by the two girls (it's nt their fault though they're just rlly close cos 4 yrs classmates), I didn't rlly have anything to say at all /just plain awkward but things were just not worse than I expected and I'm already grateful for that. 

We played in the rain fr about 1hr until it got too heavy and the lightning risk alert thing was flashing like mad so we seeked shelter in a HDB foyer 

I had the first PT session of my life. 

I think my muscles are going to be in a coma after today but it was not as bad as I expected it to be? 

We did 3 diff sets of arms core legs then played abit and went out for dinner.

I was tired after sleeping at 230 and waking up at 8 and it was also tiring not knowing what to say/being awkward/being ignored. So I was angst and irritated with the world and thank God for cindy. (Wow I'm back to you)

Let's just have some honesty time since it's the best policy.

1. I fear (along with 1000 other things) rejection, goodbyes, and failure, although sometimes I might come off as a gung-ho person. 

2. I have serious trust/insecurity issues ie I cant trust that anyone really cares, with the exception of a few like cindy. (So if you have this problem with me it's not your problem it's mine)

3. I think that if people are going to walk into my life with the intention of walking out the next moment, then they should just save their energy and save my emotions and just don't walk in in the first place.  

4. I think that if people want to tell you that they care but make no attempt to prove/show it, they should just not say that they care in the first place. Cos as much as I need reassurance from time to time, I need people who act their words. (But I'm sorry if the issue is me not letting people care-that's my problem) 

5. I wonder if everything I do on earth means nothing; if I'm just a nothing to everyone and everything. I wonder if anyone cares that I care, much less care bout me.

6. I decided today, that I won't trust anyone who doesn't read this place to say that they know me. I guess that people who read this place know more about me than most people do, even if irl we are strangers. The team feels like strangers and acquaintances to me. In fact most people in my life now feel like that, because no one active in my real life now reads this place, making me more awkward a person than I have been.

Anw, we played truth or dare during/after dinner. One of our games was to rate (certain) people by Looks, Personality and Figure. It basically goes against my judging principle which is why they gave up and changed my qtn to a (worse) YesNo thing cos I couldn't spit out a good enough rating for someone who the only thing I know about is his/her height. 

 

I shall end off by honestly taking a look at myself, cos otw home, I was thinking about the nonsense that I spilled to cindy and this thing.

Honestly taking a look at myself-

Personality: 4/10

Looks: 5/10

Figure: 2/10 

(This is just my pov. If you think it's too good/have strong disagreements, feel free to go to askfm because no one will know who you are and no one will hate you) 

One of the girls i know with one of the smallest bodies and nice looks and figure was rated a 8-7-7. So I automatically saw where I stood.

But with all my trust issues and such personality/appearances, 

I might just end up 0-0-0/friendless for life.

And that's the conclusion I've come up with today. 

I have a big problem that I have no idea how to solve now, in the future and in the near future. 

Idk how to be more lovable to get more people to like me/care for me and not ignore me. I also don't know how to have more trust that people will not walk away the next moment, much less trust that they care. I realized that there are some people and some convos that I have been dreading seeing/ don't reply, because I fear that people who abruptly start convos will let your reply just hang there, so many times I don't even want to talk/reply them. 

I wish there was a manual to teach you what it means when people care because other than God, sometimes I rlly can't tell if anyone really does. But I feel like ignoring the world and just heck caring now. 

Idk why I'm suddenly feeling so lame  and telling all of you this. I'm sorry if y'all get like angry or upset or disappointed or what because "wlao after everything I do you don't even believe me then why should I waste my effort and time on you" Maybe the point of this post is just to tell the people who really do care now to give up (this kinda includes you cindy) because I'm quite a hopeless case. 

Case closed.