22/1
Wednesday, January 22, 2014 | 1/22/2014 03:28:00 AM | 0 comments
12.48am
1. Yesterday, the doctor asked, "girl, is your life a joke? Do yknow that youths like you die just like that? Once could've been fatal, and you let it happen four consecutive times."
Upon reflection, I'm not sure what these 16years, 11months and 21 days of my life have meant; the purposes and effects.
I'm not sure what the next few years of life will mean either. My life could very well be a joke, and I the clown.
2. Someone important to me has officially left my life tonight, and because the person still is undeniably, important, (I'm really not a fast person) I would be lying right though my teeth if I say that it doesn't hurt.
In fact, it hurts so badly that I feel like someone just died. And yes, the person has, inside my heart.
I've been telling myself that "people don't care means don't care, nothing can be done to change so just accept it!", "it's not the end of the world and so many people have left, what's one more?", "there'll always be something good in everything bad".
I've been tryin to tell myself so much rubbish to stop myself cos I know that there is no use in crying, but the tears just couldn't stop flowing for a while.
It hurts, because this is a fresh and raw wound. It hurts, because I cared, and I put in a lot a lot a lot a lot of effort, time and emotions to try make this friendship work, yet it did not.
Some things just aren't meant to be, some friendships aren't meant to work, and the only thing I can do is to accept whatever comes my way.
Thank God that at least I'm feeling numb now. It's gonna hurt again when reality whips me in the face once more, but for now I pray that God will just help me get through tonight and give me strength to stay strong.
Strong, meaning I will Smile and not run away.
Strong, meaning I will move on bravely and continue to be happy, when everyone thinks that I am about to collapse and fall to the pit bottom.
Strong, meaning I will not resort to Hate, although it is much easier an option to hate than to love.
Maybe not tonight, or these few days. All these talk about being strong prolly look like plain rubbish right now. But I will try to look ahead. I've experienced, known and will believe that the people who come into your life to cut you deeply before strutting out, will also teach you important lessons.
Before today I said I wanted to give up, but I realized that it was because I'd subconciously realized that this friend had already walked away. This friend was never ever a bad person, I was just never ever good enough.
For not being goodenough, I can never say enough sorries from the bottom of my heart, because I failed you as a friend.
I'm really thankful that there are much better people out there for you. You make wise decisions, you'll find friends who will stay with you for life and continue the exciting journeys ahead with you.
Thank you for the memories, for the amount of care, time and effort you once poured into someone undeserving like me.
Lastly, thank you for the memorable advanced birthday gift- a raw, imperfect cut on the already flawed slate of ice, made with the beautifully sharp blades beneath your feet.
Hopefully someday, this slate of ice would become a nice enough sculpture to the world, and make you feel proud for having added this cut today.
Best wishes.
3. Caring
Because my God has given the order that caring isn't optional, as much as I want to hide and stop trying so hard only to die more inside, I will try to continue caring for everyone I can.
4. There must be sth seriously seriously seriously wrong w lwha, to make smany ppl, even the best, leave. Lwh must find out and change. One day, lwh will be good enough. Lwh will change and be better.
5.
事情如果那么简单那就好了
想让自己不见
瞬间就统统消灭
人类如果没有心脏那就好了
受伤不会流血
悲伤也不会流泪
/
就让我伪装
我嘴角不屑
让孤独乘以更孤独的两倍
允许我保留我最后一点点特权
赦免我想念你的心碎
如果我眼神里闪烁不屑
可能我心里一半地已经残废
/
#不屑-黄鸿升
6. Being in the middle of everything has been exhausting- subject combi, cca, and until just now, holding on/giving up on the ship; after just now, holding on/giving up on all other ships.
I'm sick of being second. Sick of never being good enough. Although it's not the exam periods or anything, life seems easypeasylemonsqueezy right now, and I have no right to feel this way at all, I feel worned out.
The kind of weariness where as a kid, in the playground, you keep playing and scrape yr knee then continue playing and falling again to the point where you finally think you've had enough and you ask daddy to bring you home, so you can rest and recover, so you would be safe and sound, so you will not have to go through anymore wildness and rollercoasters, so nothing will hurt anymore-physically and emotionally.
I want my daddy to bring me home-I want to go home because everything here feels pointless and I'm tired. But it's probably not time to go home yet-no it isnt, so as long as He wants me here, I will stay here to do the best I can for Him as His child.
I know He is cheering me on. I know He is the one carrying me and trudging in the desert storm right now. I know one day, none of anything on this earth will matter, because I will get to be with Him. And that's all that will matter from today onwards.
7.Devotion today
8. To me today:
-I can face tomorrow, because He lives.
-Be still, the Lord will fight for you.
-What doesn't kill you will make you stronger
-忍着不哭，我要忍着不哭
-it is Not the End of The World
-everything will be okay
Lwh, it's okay to fall down, it's okay to feel tired, but the world will not stop moving for you. So roll about in the dung abit, weep and cry and mourn abit, then remember to get up, brush off the dirt and start again. Its okay, it's alright, you'll be finee! ('':
10.46pm
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Who's me anyway?
