21/11
Friday, November 22, 2013 | 11/22/2013 01:17:00 AM | 0 comments
12.29amLesson of the day: If I cannot accept myself, I cannot expect anyone else to accept me.
I was feeling preeeeettyyyyyy lousyyyyyy in theeeee eveeeeeninggggg
But nope ok I'm good! (~:
Okk let's rewind to this morn
I woke up at like 9 and realized I was late for my movie date
CATCHING FIRE IS DAM AWESOME
Anw I reached at 9.34am instead of 9.30am and yj and ss reached dam early like by 9.20 and i felt baddd but ok they weren't too pissed or anything.
But well sometimes I get scared of even my closest friends not to mention normal friends
CATCHING FIRE IS DAM AWESOME
Then we ate and yj left early and sherry and I continued eating awkwardly and I needed to go to orchard to get myself black flats for work (my blisters from my court shoes last fri are not close to recovering) and sherry came along and I bought 2 pairs of shoes for $30 (cos one was $20 and I have not bought shoes in nearly 1 year no joke)
Anw we are going to work tgt for some Thai event tmr hahahahaha $9/hr not bad right.
Rushed home for piano lesson and ms low was telling me she teach me a while more and "when the time is here" she would make me go to her teacher for master classes alr and she said I should have done so a long time ago but Have I mentioned that I'm scared of strangers.
so I was feeling a teenybit sad after she left thinking about life and how it's been 6 years since she took over me and well I've been moving like a snail but she's been patient and kind and not fierce/cold like all other piano tchrs I've had
And I couldn't keep my butt still so I decided to go running only to regret my decision for like the first time ever.
My thigh muscles I think haven't recovered from tues+ytd's trainings and I couldn't rlly Run/no stamina and I ended up crawling again. And I'm afraid they might start to hurt when I hve to sprint tmr again and I won't be able to perform properly and I will end up just getting sunburnt without working out without shedding fats without becoming fitterrrrrrr
Ok let's move on.
In the evening my mom asked me to go collect my bro's PSLE results w her tmr and I said I would think bout it but I think after 3secs of consideration I knew it'd be a no. And I feel extremely guilty but its cos I promised Ming and Kelda alr to go tmr and idrw to get e heart attack of knowing his results andddd I feel like even if I go I cnnt change e results or do anyth so no point.
Then my mom got back at me and isn't allowing me to go for band ugh.
Ok not don't allow cos if I really wanted to I can just go but I decided not to go for band cosss it means id have to rush home after frisbee which usually ends later than 12 and eat lunch and shower and rush to hc /set up/ be sitted w my instru by 2 and leave band early at 4 instead of 6 to rush to work by 5
I'm sorry laoshi, bassoon, seniors, my musical self. But can you see how rushed it is.
And band is dam awkward and everyth the bassoon j1 guy has to sit 2 seats away from me like I've plague or sth and yepmam isn't there at all and there's only Emmaus and xinyi who I'm not the least bit close to and my passion for band has seriously honestly been dulled by lim and all the rubbish
If anyone could see how desperate I am to find back my passion, because I actually Want to join band and continue this for 2 more years, but I have this sick feeling that in a few months the passion I have now might just be totally gone
If only passion could just be reignited easily and not die and not everything sigh ok I will work it out.
So out of 4 events tmr I'm giving up 2.
Ok I know my parents aren't really getting back at me for the PSLE thing. they just worry that I'm tired and blah so they are nice people I still love them.
Guilt is not a nice feeling.
At night I crawled abit more for Lunwen then emailed ji ls finally after 1000years.
Okay done with the physical things let's move on to the more complicated emotions
-Ice broke during the movie this person really loves to lean and I just so always happen to be on the right side. Actually the ice broke -period- after it cos we were hurling insults at each other on wa just like we used to and it was pretty hilarious HAHAHAHA ok. So actually w me, it's not that I can't keep things to myself but maybe I know that by screaming my heartfelt nonsense out, I will then really be able to Let Go and forgive and move on and everyth. But even so, after this rough period of time, things wont be the same anymore. At least I've realized no.1 is really no.1 even after everything and I don't think I will ever be confused again by no.2.
-while running I was thinking about things and I decided to try to have more self worth/ accept myself more although sometimes it feels like I accept myself too much alr. Like I should learn to feel better about myself instead of moping about what a piece of shit I am. I realised nobody really is perfect so yeah I should just stop. But idk if I can actually do this so let me put myself on probation period.
-I changed my twitter pic after telling roo /discussing/being indecisive for 1000years.
Goodbye Sonya the bear. thanks for being my great lookalike for longer-than-I-know. 2years?
Ok so I changed Sonya to the childhood me. And I felt awkward when people commented. and I felt abit aa but I got over myself pretty quickly. I decided to just do what I want and
1. Most people won't even notice
2. People who notice/ accept it are good, I don't have to care about the ones who have an issue.
I should start an Operation: Feel Good besides my operation: Get Fit.
-I feel bouncy today HAHAHAHA okay goodnight I have a moderate day tmr
On a side note, my sis passed her driving test on first attempt today and I was shocked because I didn't think it was possible. I sniff a foul smell of phobia of driving lingering 2 years away I might crash 10times before passing. Maybe I'll just ride a bike for my lfe.
On a sider note, I want a hoolahoop! Can give me for Christmas? B~) my tummy might become smaller being repeatedly whacked by the hoop+ my waist will get stronger so I won't 腰酸背痛 so fast when I'm old + I can dance and shake off my excess energy + ITD BE SO FUNNNNNNNN
On a sidest note, I have watched a lot of movies recently and I'm dam happy because I love movies I love them to the stage where idc about awards or actors I just love movies for what they are. And movies take away interaction time/ awkwardness like it really saves me from talking and being an antisocialkid I feel dam happy. I have been deprived of movies for months cos no one wanted to watch w me when school was around
Ok goodnighttt.
/
16岁的我
虽然有时真的无法相信
虽然有时口上不停否认
虽然心里还是有那么多犹豫与怀疑
但真正在乎自己的人
林恩欣心里 (多多少少）有数。
