this is me ♔
15/10
Tuesday, October 15, 2013 | 10/15/2013 09:54:00 AM | 0 comments
9.35am:
Woke up with the sides of pillow wet
And the face with dried up tears that feel sickeningly damp 
The dream wasn't that bad
Was it
No, it wasn't.
It just felt too much like reality.
The mind launched into negative space 
Where there are no limits 
Nothing to hold you back
I wonder if i continued further into space 
Whether I would ever have returned to sanity
To being normal 
I did, thankfully. Something from the neutral earth tugged me back
But the things you see there 
They have an impact on you
So the tears continued flowing
And for once, I didn't try to stop them
I felt like shit and it felt good to let them out
I felt like shit over results
Over ships
Over the fact that everybody has somebody who wants them the most in this world
Everyone but me
Over the fact that if one day I just died from all the shit my body is throwing me 
I wouldn't be sure if anyone would've cared
I cried because I felt sad
angry
disappointed 
Unwanted 
Because nothing feels right 
Because I felt like crying

I felt like staying in bed all day
I don't want to go anywhere
I dont want to face the world anymore 
I don't want to care anymore
Not about anyone
Not about anything 
I want to plunge into my 6th novel/2nd sequel to 4th novel

I don't want to care that no one cares
I don't wanna care that life's unfair 
I don't want to care about the things that've been secretly eating me up these few days- like the fact that I have >700 friends who mostly added me cos I used to hate adding people and none liked my status and that feeling feels like shit in your mouth; like the fact that I feel like something must srsly be wrong with me cos I don't belong anywhere.
I don't want to care about anything at all

After a while some things just got to me
I went on FB
I made myself look through everyone's happy statuses and social lives and all those inspirational pictures from pages I like
I'm determined not to care anymore
I'm determined to..I don't know
I just feel this wave of determination
It could be partly made up of anger 
But I want to stand up again 
I want to
That's what I want
And I should stop denying myself things I want, just because I'm scared everyone will not want to friend me if I tell them what I want is not what they want 
I should learn to make up my own stupid mind instead of waiting for the whole world to help me decide 
I should learn to let go and just accept being a loner if I really have no friends, rather than try to cling on to people who don't even want to stay
Wanna go? Door's wide wide wide open for you 
Go far far away
Go away

I will turn cold, if it helps me survive in this world
I will try to find the old me, the nicer, kinder and more real me, if it helps me survive in this world
I will survive in this world 
Heck the world
Heck everyone that doesn't care
Heck all the heartless people 
Heck all the robots with no emotions
Heck all the meanmeanmeanmean nasty people
Heck all the people that made society so screwed up
Heck me
And I will sing this children's hymn like its the anthem of my life
I will have more faith in Him.

Jesus loves me! This I know, 
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong; 
They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! This I know, 
As He loved so long ago, 
Taking children on His knee, 
Saying, "Let them come to Me."

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me still today, 
Walking with me on my way, 
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven's gate to open wide; 
He will wash away my sin, 
Let His little child come in.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way; 
Thou hast bled and died for me, 
I will henceforth live for Thee.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so...

I will focus more on the positives of life
Even if there aren't many positivities in my life
But in life there are
I just have to stop and look 
I just have to be still





And this day will come soon.

"Always remember, Kelly Clarkson is creepily right. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."-a pumpkin who turned into Cinderella 


/

10.29pm:
Today was a great great day w the family
I practiced/tried to just ask for what I want
And I got them
Like a new polaroid cam, heh.
I didn't exactly feel good though I've wanted it for a while
Cos it was a want
Not a need
Maybe something isn't that right 
Sigh I'll look into this
Feeling drowsybowsy after taking meds 
And over the day I've managed to get myself back onto the course of "God doesn't give me many friends but provides me with more than enough angels".
Not that there were any special touching things that made me (': today but just the realization that
Even if people do leave 
God won't shortchange me
He will always provide me with what I need- angels
I will believe/(more)
I don't have many friends
But I have enough angels in this rubbish and screwed life of mine
More than enough.
Maybe friends are just selfish wants that I'm not meant to get
But my needs are satisfied
And i need to learn to be more contented, less selfish.

Wanna go ecp cyclinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg sooo badddddddlyyyyyyyyyyyy
But the harmony of the class and the time spent together matters more ba
I guess I want that too, maybe more.
/


Cos yr random actions give me hope that love, care and affection can exist between friends. 




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15/10
Tuesday, October 15, 2013 | 10/15/2013 09:54:00 AM | 0 comments
9.35am:
Woke up with the sides of pillow wet
And the face with dried up tears that feel sickeningly damp 
The dream wasn't that bad
Was it
No, it wasn't.
It just felt too much like reality.
The mind launched into negative space 
Where there are no limits 
Nothing to hold you back
I wonder if i continued further into space 
Whether I would ever have returned to sanity
To being normal 
I did, thankfully. Something from the neutral earth tugged me back
But the things you see there 
They have an impact on you
So the tears continued flowing
And for once, I didn't try to stop them
I felt like shit and it felt good to let them out
I felt like shit over results
Over ships
Over the fact that everybody has somebody who wants them the most in this world
Everyone but me
Over the fact that if one day I just died from all the shit my body is throwing me 
I wouldn't be sure if anyone would've cared
I cried because I felt sad
angry
disappointed 
Unwanted 
Because nothing feels right 
Because I felt like crying

I felt like staying in bed all day
I don't want to go anywhere
I dont want to face the world anymore 
I don't want to care anymore
Not about anyone
Not about anything 
I want to plunge into my 6th novel/2nd sequel to 4th novel

I don't want to care that no one cares
I don't wanna care that life's unfair 
I don't want to care about the things that've been secretly eating me up these few days- like the fact that I have >700 friends who mostly added me cos I used to hate adding people and none liked my status and that feeling feels like shit in your mouth; like the fact that I feel like something must srsly be wrong with me cos I don't belong anywhere.
I don't want to care about anything at all

After a while some things just got to me
I went on FB
I made myself look through everyone's happy statuses and social lives and all those inspirational pictures from pages I like
I'm determined not to care anymore
I'm determined to..I don't know
I just feel this wave of determination
It could be partly made up of anger 
But I want to stand up again 
I want to
That's what I want
And I should stop denying myself things I want, just because I'm scared everyone will not want to friend me if I tell them what I want is not what they want 
I should learn to make up my own stupid mind instead of waiting for the whole world to help me decide 
I should learn to let go and just accept being a loner if I really have no friends, rather than try to cling on to people who don't even want to stay
Wanna go? Door's wide wide wide open for you 
Go far far away
Go away

I will turn cold, if it helps me survive in this world
I will try to find the old me, the nicer, kinder and more real me, if it helps me survive in this world
I will survive in this world 
Heck the world
Heck everyone that doesn't care
Heck all the heartless people 
Heck all the robots with no emotions
Heck all the meanmeanmeanmean nasty people
Heck all the people that made society so screwed up
Heck me
And I will sing this children's hymn like its the anthem of my life
I will have more faith in Him.

Jesus loves me! This I know, 
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong; 
They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! This I know, 
As He loved so long ago, 
Taking children on His knee, 
Saying, "Let them come to Me."

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me still today, 
Walking with me on my way, 
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven's gate to open wide; 
He will wash away my sin, 
Let His little child come in.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way; 
Thou hast bled and died for me, 
I will henceforth live for Thee.

Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
Yes, Jesus loves me! 
The Bible tells me so...

I will focus more on the positives of life
Even if there aren't many positivities in my life
But in life there are
I just have to stop and look 
I just have to be still





And this day will come soon.

"Always remember, Kelly Clarkson is creepily right. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."-a pumpkin who turned into Cinderella 


/

10.29pm:
Today was a great great day w the family
I practiced/tried to just ask for what I want
And I got them
Like a new polaroid cam, heh.
I didn't exactly feel good though I've wanted it for a while
Cos it was a want
Not a need
Maybe something isn't that right 
Sigh I'll look into this
Feeling drowsybowsy after taking meds 
And over the day I've managed to get myself back onto the course of "God doesn't give me many friends but provides me with more than enough angels".
Not that there were any special touching things that made me (': today but just the realization that
Even if people do leave 
God won't shortchange me
He will always provide me with what I need- angels
I will believe/(more)
I don't have many friends
But I have enough angels in this rubbish and screwed life of mine
More than enough.
Maybe friends are just selfish wants that I'm not meant to get
But my needs are satisfied
And i need to learn to be more contented, less selfish.

Wanna go ecp cyclinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg sooo badddddddlyyyyyyyyyyyy
But the harmony of the class and the time spent together matters more ba
I guess I want that too, maybe more.
/


Cos yr random actions give me hope that love, care and affection can exist between friends. 




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