Once the papers end

The brain sets off into thinkin mode

And the one that came up first

Ships

So many screwed up ones

Feelings involved with ships 

Need to think about how to go on from here 

Idkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Sigh

Shall just go play minion rush 

2/3 of yepmam tnite

Yay

/

12.26am:

I was trying to decide whether to blog or not

Because words fail me

I wanna be cryptic and mysterious and not so captain-obvious while letting the emotions out, just like everyone else 

But I'm just too lousy to do that

There are many things that are running through my head

Especially ships

Considering the pros and cons of every one

Part of me has the urge to just push everyone away and shut all the doors but I don't want to I actually want to work things out but idk how to get things across because words are just nt enough and I feel like talking will prolly just make things worse and I just hope everything will just pass through and I can figure out what I really need to do/feel.

(To be deleted)

Narrowed down to 3-

1. Irdw to be friends anymore but I really can't 

2. You're making me confused about the level of our friendship which affects other ships

3. Can a ship, esp such a huge one to me, survive on technology and technology alone?

Confession/secret time-

I'm afraid of being friends with/close to busy/over-occupied people.

I'm afraid of how they change with their schedules and passing events and how the next time I get to meet them is when they have changed yet again.

I'm afraid of my insecurities and the feelings/thoughts that appear cos they feel so lousy. Then i usually end up ruining the ship, being highly insecured, and ene up being left alone to solve my own issues cos the busy people are too busy. 

and im afraid of the "you no longer matter" voice in my head growing louder and stronger and me becoming more and more unsure about whether the the voice is true or not and me being all stupid and clumsy with my ships + the shaky waves/doubts = titanic

I'm afraid of being left behind, twice, just like 2 years ago, because of busy people and moving on to better/more impt things.

I'm afraid of having to fight with every other living/non-living issue for just that short time of attention, which happened twice today.

I'm afraid of missing them and having to lock up all those emotions cos I know nothing can be done, yet when I see them again for that short period of time I can't refrain from losing abit of that restrain and I'm afraid of missing them/caring again and they won't actually care cos they have 1,00,000,001 more important things in their life which require more attention at the moment than me (and I really sincerely understand and mean it that those things really are more important they really are)

I'm scared now and idk what to do because 

It seems like the important people in my life are all busy people.

And idk whether I should just end everything and backtrack the 10steps to normal friends/acquaintances w everyone and just be by myself again or continue fighting  

Sigh

It's 1am and I have been awake for 21hours and feeling grouchy 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day to think

The mind is exhausted after 2 papers and hours of aimless, unconclusive thinking 

Once the papers end

The brain sets off into thinkin mode

And the one that came up first

Ships

So many screwed up ones

Feelings involved with ships 

Need to think about how to go on from here 

Idkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Sigh

Shall just go play minion rush 

2/3 of yepmam tnite

Yay

/

12.26am:

I was trying to decide whether to blog or not

Because words fail me

I wanna be cryptic and mysterious and not so captain-obvious while letting the emotions out, just like everyone else 

But I'm just too lousy to do that

There are many things that are running through my head

Especially ships

Considering the pros and cons of every one

Part of me has the urge to just push everyone away and shut all the doors but I don't want to I actually want to work things out but idk how to get things across because words are just nt enough and I feel like talking will prolly just make things worse and I just hope everything will just pass through and I can figure out what I really need to do/feel.

(To be deleted)

Narrowed down to 3-

1. Irdw to be friends anymore but I really can't 

2. You're making me confused about the level of our friendship which affects other ships

3. Can a ship, esp such a huge one to me, survive on technology and technology alone?

Confession/secret time-

I'm afraid of being friends with/close to busy/over-occupied people.

I'm afraid of how they change with their schedules and passing events and how the next time I get to meet them is when they have changed yet again.

I'm afraid of my insecurities and the feelings/thoughts that appear cos they feel so lousy. Then i usually end up ruining the ship, being highly insecured, and ene up being left alone to solve my own issues cos the busy people are too busy. 

and im afraid of the "you no longer matter" voice in my head growing louder and stronger and me becoming more and more unsure about whether the the voice is true or not and me being all stupid and clumsy with my ships + the shaky waves/doubts = titanic

I'm afraid of being left behind, twice, just like 2 years ago, because of busy people and moving on to better/more impt things.

I'm afraid of having to fight with every other living/non-living issue for just that short time of attention, which happened twice today.

I'm afraid of missing them and having to lock up all those emotions cos I know nothing can be done, yet when I see them again for that short period of time I can't refrain from losing abit of that restrain and I'm afraid of missing them/caring again and they won't actually care cos they have 1,00,000,001 more important things in their life which require more attention at the moment than me (and I really sincerely understand and mean it that those things really are more important they really are)

I'm scared now and idk what to do because 

It seems like the important people in my life are all busy people.

And idk whether I should just end everything and backtrack the 10steps to normal friends/acquaintances w everyone and just be by myself again or continue fighting  

Sigh

It's 1am and I have been awake for 21hours and feeling grouchy 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day to think

The mind is exhausted after 2 papers and hours of aimless, unconclusive thinking