this is me ♔

The last touch.

Saturday, July 6, 2013 | 7/06/2013 11:48:00 PM | 0 comments

I've cried twice today alone

Or just during the 10 hrs of cca alone

Cried because I was angry

Cried because I was happy

Cried in my heart.

Those two times were when tears actually brimmed in the eyes

Those two times were when hugs by everyone were needed, to feel like I'm still grounded on earth, still somewhere safe

And then there were other times when the tears didnt come out but they overflowed from the heart

I don't want this to end, somehow

Somehow I found myself so reluctant to leave the room

So reluctant to say goodbye

So reluctant to leave with the parents

Leave in a car even

Maybe it's because of the decision since ytd (which after today has become 60%decided-40%wavering) that makes things feel more sentimental and 舍不得

Maybe it's because besides other factors like time there's the fact that i will be leaving no matter what

And I'm not sure if after this post I will actually start to cry again but I hope not.

Even now I don't want today to end

It feels surreal to be home

The ache still pushes tears out

Except they don't show on the face

Diptique tonight was one of the best I've played since I heard of this song.

Flight, choreography, memories- I never thought id be able to play it again, esp not flight.

The rate of closeness I've gotten with my junior(s) has increased by at least 100% today.

And I'm thankful for my section today

Although they are always teasing and sounding extramean, I am thankful for 2 batchmates who have stood with/by me since sec1, and who started off my day more brightly with uniform check which I was initially unwilling to do

And Unglam1 braided my hair for me, just like in sec1, sec2, sec3.

I also formed a BaBa (BAssoons+tuBAs) alliance today. They brought us more company, fun and laughter.

Besides these wonderful people, the best friend has been here today more than I could ever hope for, especially- in the morning while trying to convince me rgd ( ) and telling me stuff she never would normally; playing w my (initially awkward) section after afternoon perf before finale; letting me exceed my limit of 1 and hug her dk how many times today; for being a great b.f.

Last but not least, i am thankful for yepmam, for today at least. If these were the last memories we would have and everything does come to an end tonight, I have no more regrets

All the ships feel like glass

Like they're gonna shatter any moment

Even if things look so happy and good

I'm insecure and I've given up trying to deny myself that fact

Insecurity comes with lwh

And so do hugs and affection. (Hugs that I give out though feels good and nice to me aren't meant for me)

But it's more than insecurity behind the fears

Something pricks and aches and hurts badly inside

I wonder what it is

Yet I'm too afraid to look inside and find out

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