10.45am:

God is working (-:

11.24am:

#np Heart Like Stone- Greyson Chance

Mood: lol

Thinking: 

•where is she againnnn. no. I don't care.

• if only the -- was here 

12.41pm:

First 10/10 for Math in nearly one year 

Mood: Disbelief; thank you Father

Thinking: 

Dont cry

 6.53pm:

#np It's Not Too Late- Demi Lovato

Mood: 

Thinking:

•Stay strong

•Sorry mom

•Hiding place

3.14am:

Night mare. Need to p but dun dare to go out. Baobao.

3.32am:

And this is what He said 

3.53am:

Wanna go back to sleep. Dw to think about anything. Dw to feel. Dw to feel anything. Stay happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy

4.56am:

Tried to figure out what the dream meant on YouTube

I kinda get one part now but there were other parts like the car and people like one person with me throughout and another person with me towards the end and I don't get the part about the one person throughout part maybe I should talk to her tmr anw I've alr told her about

it. Finally sleepy now so nights.

9.42am:

Disappointed

Not letting the thoughts thrive

Back to sleep

9.52am:

))))))))))))))-:

10.20am:

Ooooh yj had a bad dream too ytd but she's not telling

I'm starting to live in an always-happy world and idk why 

Not happy 

:-/

10.36am:

Immm

Bbao

2.41pm:

Someone just told me "I love you"

Yay

Actually I'm not sure if the person said it in a spur of excitement

But I like (-:

Back to work! 

Lunchless today

Come air come 8)

/SNAPS TEETH/

7.15pm:

The cute gramps are hereeee

Have the urge to hug both of them but

/Sudden awkwardness/

7.33pm

Was just about to start math again when I got pissed off

Angst like crap now 

But why did i lock the door

ZzzzzzzzurghhhhhhhhhhhhabakanzkandkakLansqlMansbkaamzalzmanzkamsnwkkansnakcsklansmazanskzbskamnzknznazsmkAwkwnzmandkak1$:@/!.@-!.@:'aalabskansalnz@&:@'kelaznelrblamBakssbadablAmbrlamzbskalabskanzskamxbdssksnsnsnsmdkxlanabakzksnakxkznaldkwoamrbwuotptypepalxnfbekalxdnwhizldnalaofbejuziaptptejbavduzoakznavsuqiwkrvggasrddwctvesjappqeooehrvr ttmidxuzhbabavebd

I'm tired of having to explain myself all the time

I'm tired of being suspected and blamed for things I didn't do

I'm tired of being bitched about and having to ignore and pretend that I never heard anything

I'm tired of no one noticing even when I do try, no one caring that I do

I'm tired of trying until I feel so tired

I just want to stay in my own world

I don't want to talk to anyone 

I don't want to move or think

I dont even want anyone around because I just don't 

maybe only people who can understand and are willing to be here 

And the number of such people wouldn't be more than 5.

I wish it was the holidays now

I wish -- was here now cos -- makes me feel better but I dont want to give -- any more stress than -- already has to deal with

I wish time stopped moving for a few hours but I know that it won't and its just me who has poor time management and does things so slowly 

I wish I wasn't such a failure

12.27am:

Just asked the junior how it felt sending the first message:

Brought me back to when I myself was sec2. Or even last year in sec3 I still thought of how much I hated change. I still do now. But I no longer resist it as hard as I used to. I guess part if it comes from knowing I can't stop it, and the other part comes from knowing things will eventually work out. I'm not a good advisor, anyone who calls me a friend would know that haha but I told her exactly what I think I've learnt.

It's not easy, taking the role up at sec2. Not just the age, but the experience. We all had 3 years to rely on someone else before having to take over responsibilities, learn to do things on our own. She doesn't. In fact this cycle happens to my section once in 4 years. the last person who went through this was fang.

I have always been envious of other sections and how theyre so bonded, family like, and consist of >2 members most of the times. But I won't forget these points that my seniors (basses/bassoons) told me at least once in some point in my band life:

•We are small- but that makes us closer than other sections' members, because our ships are tightly held together and not 10 boats floating around while being tied tgt loosely w strings .

It realy struck me how one after another, seniors have told me those same things. At least 4. 

I have always secretly felt lousy to be in an insignificantly small section without much company, but after the small convo w the junior, I realised that my section is my pride. 

I guess this ties nicely with our section reunion in e coming week which I am actually honestly quite scared to go for.

Scared, cos these people have remained in my heart as 16-year olds and itd be quite scary to see them actually grown up and doing diff things

Scared, cos I'm scared of the new gen gap that would exist esp when our age gap that once allowed us to all be in the same context has now placed us in 3 diff worlds.

Scared, cos I'm scared of the change I'd see in them. 

I dont really like Change too.

So although I'd like to pray for things not to change, I think it's time for a change when I should grow up and pray for serenity to accept change instead.

/

10.45am:

God is working (-:

11.24am:

#np Heart Like Stone- Greyson Chance

Mood: lol

Thinking: 

•where is she againnnn. no. I don't care.

• if only the -- was here 

12.41pm:

First 10/10 for Math in nearly one year 

Mood: Disbelief; thank you Father

Thinking: 

Dont cry

 6.53pm:

#np It's Not Too Late- Demi Lovato

Mood: 

Thinking:

•Stay strong

•Sorry mom

•Hiding place

3.14am:

Night mare. Need to p but dun dare to go out. Baobao.

3.32am:

And this is what He said 

3.53am:

Wanna go back to sleep. Dw to think about anything. Dw to feel. Dw to feel anything. Stay happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy

4.56am:

Tried to figure out what the dream meant on YouTube

I kinda get one part now but there were other parts like the car and people like one person with me throughout and another person with me towards the end and I don't get the part about the one person throughout part maybe I should talk to her tmr anw I've alr told her about

it. Finally sleepy now so nights.

9.42am:

Disappointed

Not letting the thoughts thrive

Back to sleep

9.52am:

))))))))))))))-:

10.20am:

Ooooh yj had a bad dream too ytd but she's not telling

I'm starting to live in an always-happy world and idk why 

Not happy 

:-/

10.36am:

Immm

Bbao

2.41pm:

Someone just told me "I love you"

Yay

Actually I'm not sure if the person said it in a spur of excitement

But I like (-:

Back to work! 

Lunchless today

Come air come 8)

/SNAPS TEETH/

7.15pm:

The cute gramps are hereeee

Have the urge to hug both of them but

/Sudden awkwardness/

7.33pm

Was just about to start math again when I got pissed off

Angst like crap now 

But why did i lock the door

ZzzzzzzzurghhhhhhhhhhhhabakanzkandkakLansqlMansbkaamzalzmanzkamsnwkkansnakcsklansmazanskzbskamnzknznazsmkAwkwnzmandkak1$:@/!.@-!.@:'aalabskansalnz@&:@'kelaznelrblamBakssbadablAmbrlamzbskalabskanzskamxbdssksnsnsnsmdkxlanabakzksnakxkznaldkwoamrbwuotptypepalxnfbekalxdnwhizldnalaofbejuziaptptejbavduzoakznavsuqiwkrvggasrddwctvesjappqeooehrvr ttmidxuzhbabavebd

I'm tired of having to explain myself all the time

I'm tired of being suspected and blamed for things I didn't do

I'm tired of being bitched about and having to ignore and pretend that I never heard anything

I'm tired of no one noticing even when I do try, no one caring that I do

I'm tired of trying until I feel so tired

I just want to stay in my own world

I don't want to talk to anyone 

I don't want to move or think

I dont even want anyone around because I just don't 

maybe only people who can understand and are willing to be here 

And the number of such people wouldn't be more than 5.

I wish it was the holidays now

I wish -- was here now cos -- makes me feel better but I dont want to give -- any more stress than -- already has to deal with

I wish time stopped moving for a few hours but I know that it won't and its just me who has poor time management and does things so slowly 

I wish I wasn't such a failure

12.27am:

Just asked the junior how it felt sending the first message:

Brought me back to when I myself was sec2. Or even last year in sec3 I still thought of how much I hated change. I still do now. But I no longer resist it as hard as I used to. I guess part if it comes from knowing I can't stop it, and the other part comes from knowing things will eventually work out. I'm not a good advisor, anyone who calls me a friend would know that haha but I told her exactly what I think I've learnt.

It's not easy, taking the role up at sec2. Not just the age, but the experience. We all had 3 years to rely on someone else before having to take over responsibilities, learn to do things on our own. She doesn't. In fact this cycle happens to my section once in 4 years. the last person who went through this was fang.

I have always been envious of other sections and how theyre so bonded, family like, and consist of >2 members most of the times. But I won't forget these points that my seniors (basses/bassoons) told me at least once in some point in my band life:

•We are small- but that makes us closer than other sections' members, because our ships are tightly held together and not 10 boats floating around while being tied tgt loosely w strings .

It realy struck me how one after another, seniors have told me those same things. At least 4. 

I have always secretly felt lousy to be in an insignificantly small section without much company, but after the small convo w the junior, I realised that my section is my pride. 

I guess this ties nicely with our section reunion in e coming week which I am actually honestly quite scared to go for.

Scared, cos these people have remained in my heart as 16-year olds and itd be quite scary to see them actually grown up and doing diff things

Scared, cos I'm scared of the new gen gap that would exist esp when our age gap that once allowed us to all be in the same context has now placed us in 3 diff worlds.

Scared, cos I'm scared of the change I'd see in them. 

I dont really like Change too.

So although I'd like to pray for things not to change, I think it's time for a change when I should grow up and pray for serenity to accept change instead.

/