27/6 it's gonna be a looong post
Friday, June 28, 2013 | 6/28/2013 02:08:00 AM | 0 comments
Academically
But I've made a big step I guess
In clearing thoughts and..idk
Nearing the clearings of the wilderness
Went to Kkh the whole morn and hba1c went up but I guess it's not life endangering for the moment so I'm safe
And dad and dr yap were cracking unfunny jokes about quarantining me
Anw they said the spike in BGL levels was cos of a month being down w..cough.
(Which is a much simpler and more likeable term for me than bronchitis)
Anyway came home around 1 and slept/watched Secret Garden w mom till 6+
It was peaceful I guess
My first legitimate "I'm Resting cos I'm sick" bedrest/ off day since.. Pre UK.
I was thinking while awake
Thinking through dramas
Thinking while dozing off
Anw after showering we had dinner and it was peaceful
And for te first time in a really really long time, we had family cell
Without the sis who's in Mongolia planting gospel trees but
Yeah we sat down and read through this really inspirational and timely message that kinda woke me up i guess (the image quality's pretty poor so I'll see how whether to upload or not)
I was doing La compre before that
Afterwards I studied a little bit of bio before the meds got to me and I got drowsy/headache-ish again
I actually started doodling and spacing out which is bad cos
Bio is one of the most challenging/struggled subjects for me now so I've gotta put in 300% more effort into it from now on.
But anyway, yeah. So that was my day.
/
One of the main things that helped me move nearer the clearing of the wilderness was the message after dinner. And this song- Blessings by Laura Story.
I played it on loop for ~1 hour and it was when i started doodling. I didn't actually doodle; more of I wrote out all my emotions from these few days into a small square piece of paper and I just kept writing over and over
I didn't manage to turn the whole piece black but it's got abit too messy for me to continue
I addressed the small note to God and I handed over all those negative emotions and unspeakable feelings to him.
Anw, I've learnt that I should place God back into the first place
And let him take over the steering wheel
Trust him, cos he's my loving Father-he knows the best and he only will give me the best of the best.
I wanted to post the video of Blessings but I'm blogging on my phone so idk how to share the video. Anyway, here are the lyrics-
We pray for blessings
We pray for peaceComfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
Blessings- Laura Story
Today that song spoke alot to me and I'm glad that the person who shared this song with me shared it with me, though she herself isn't a christian.
So yeah. I will learn to give everything up to God and not worry so much anymore.
/
I didn't do much work today but I figured out some stuff
I found out that the "taking a step back" approach works cos normally I'm so caught up with work and life that I can't Stop to think or reflect but today I did.
I found out:
1. Why I have this problem- over the years with bad encounters, words have become worthless to me and I end up only looking for, wanting to believe in, and believing in Actions. I need people to prove that they care and for me to know they do, hugs and all those work the best which is why..... Yeah. Also I realized I wanted to use actions to prove that I care as well since words fail me so I started using hugs to show people I love them. Or at least that I care.
(Sigh okay this is awkward but lemme finish summing up the words swimming in my brain juice)
2. I need to learn to trust words again- I guesssss. Cos some people are just more words than actions. And it isn't their fault so yep.
And the rest at the bottom probably wouldn't be this positive or pleasant so you can leave first if you want
3. I don't want people to be too nice to me cos -I don't think i actually deserve it and -I'm afraid of over reliance that might actually be a huge problem if they decide to leave.
The problem is rn i think I'm alr starting to get over reliant sigh haha okay I said I'm nearing the clearing but I'm not there yet. Need to work that outzzzzz. But on a side note thanks to yj and my mm for having been here since last night and I wouldn't be able to be that tad bit happier today without them. (Then again the overreliance issue ok nvm)
4. What I would do to solve the current overboard issue
-change. I really am intending to although irdk how successful I will be
-ask for permission if I really need one
-(okay this is quite selfish but) somehow pray that there will be people who care enough to meet my needs and give some to me occasionally because I really like/need them. (Anw Im also not asking everyone to do this so just.. nvm)
I kinda pre-wrote out these points on another square paper so I'm just transferring data kinda
Okay so I will try. And I'll try hard- that's the best of what I can give rn. Irdk how this will work. And this kinda is a really huge deal to me cos I'm quite reliant on ---s (now this feels like some wrong/sacred word okay fine) Hugs and idk. Haha. But I guess at some point we all have to change don't we. (Like how allegedly at some point everyone will get my new ugly friend bronchs) I hope its for the greater good after all haha! And looking at the bright side maybe I could learn to be more trusting in words after all. Okay. It's 2am. HERE's to a magically super duper uber productive day tmr. YES. Goodnight.
And I said this post would be long cos there's gonna be pic spammmmm
I'm trying to trust
I'm trying to not be scared
But I continue to pray
Please don't go
God, yj, mm, and everyone else who's been here.
I'll try; am trying, to become a better person
Someone who is worth it; worth you all.
