Thanks yj and mm for having been here these two days

For warming up my heart just in that ~1hr of a whole day where we can have proper conversations

Because the rest of the day would just pass by with me feeling so cold, outside and inside.

In the right place at the wrong time with the wrong people

This isn't the time when I'm really feeling professional enough for wearing masks and putting on facades and acting like everything's great though nothing is

It's the wrong people cos they're not people who I can be myself with, though after 2 months last year I once thought so. 

Today I wondered what would happen if I just let myself wander away from everyone 

If I threw my phone into the nearby bin

And disappeared off the face of earth forever, just like that

During As You Like It, I wondered if I could escape into the woods like that too and hide there as long as I could

Alone is fine or even if it isn't sometimes it feels better than being in huge groups and feeling so strangled and lost and...alone.

Some sane part of me decided it was too dangerous a thought and I'm back in the hotel, locked up safely w 2 roommates whom only one I'm talking to.

I'm thankful for true friends who will stay, believe, and encourage you to do things they know would make you feel better though you don't actually want to do them. True friends who not only care but care so much they make the effort to make you laugh out loud, who don't think about Leaving, much less leaving you Alone. 

But on this trip I realized that maybe

Maybe I lost one

Or I never had that one

Idk

I realized that maybe all along its just Me

who shouldn't ever have had expectations of anyone

Who shouldn't even hope for a "partner", whom I now suppose never even had a deal with me, to walk with me maybe 1 hour of the whole freaking long day

Or would bother to include me into anything even when seeing me walk alone or at the back

Maybe my expectations should be lowered

And I should let the friend, even if not partner, see and walk past Loner Adeline multiple times in the day laughing so loudly as if declaring to the whole world how gleeful she is, while hooking on to someone else who can make her happy

At the end of the day it's my fault

Because I'm not a good companion

Nor a good friend

I've realized these few days even more that

I indeed have changed from the past

I used to just tell someone when the person hurt me 

Tell the person my feelings bluntly without a care

But me today has evolved into someone who is too afraid of showing her deepest emotions, at least not one-to-one  

Someone who just goes into a reclusive mode, tells herself she doesn't give a shit about that person, blocks out that person...though maybe subconsciously.

I've been telling myself

"This trip will never happen again. You might never come back to the same place again. Don't be so affected by the emotions that you lose sight of the  beauty of nature and your surroundings. Your parents and taxpayers didnt send you all the way here to be so unhappy. Your friends back home would worry about you. Your friends here who care, even if they aren't close, are still trying. There's no need to block everyone out like they're your enemies. There's no need to be so selfish and close the door on everyone. You're not A/That big shot and just a small fry, so who do you think you are to block others out like that"

Yet this other part of me wants to just be selfish for myself, and choose to not get hurt again.

Conclusion of the war- easy to say, hard to do; lwha has never been known to follow her brains.

And she's finally realized that on this trip.

I honestly would die to go home now

But I know it's just me now and when i look back in the future I would be filled with regrets and reminscence if I did not treasure time enough now

So.

May tomorrow be a better day

All fingers, toes and anything else crossable, crossed.

Thanks yj and mm for having been here these two days

For warming up my heart just in that ~1hr of a whole day where we can have proper conversations

Because the rest of the day would just pass by with me feeling so cold, outside and inside.

In the right place at the wrong time with the wrong people

This isn't the time when I'm really feeling professional enough for wearing masks and putting on facades and acting like everything's great though nothing is

It's the wrong people cos they're not people who I can be myself with, though after 2 months last year I once thought so. 

Today I wondered what would happen if I just let myself wander away from everyone 

If I threw my phone into the nearby bin

And disappeared off the face of earth forever, just like that

During As You Like It, I wondered if I could escape into the woods like that too and hide there as long as I could

Alone is fine or even if it isn't sometimes it feels better than being in huge groups and feeling so strangled and lost and...alone.

Some sane part of me decided it was too dangerous a thought and I'm back in the hotel, locked up safely w 2 roommates whom only one I'm talking to.

I'm thankful for true friends who will stay, believe, and encourage you to do things they know would make you feel better though you don't actually want to do them. True friends who not only care but care so much they make the effort to make you laugh out loud, who don't think about Leaving, much less leaving you Alone. 

But on this trip I realized that maybe

Maybe I lost one

Or I never had that one

Idk

I realized that maybe all along its just Me

who shouldn't ever have had expectations of anyone

Who shouldn't even hope for a "partner", whom I now suppose never even had a deal with me, to walk with me maybe 1 hour of the whole freaking long day

Or would bother to include me into anything even when seeing me walk alone or at the back

Maybe my expectations should be lowered

And I should let the friend, even if not partner, see and walk past Loner Adeline multiple times in the day laughing so loudly as if declaring to the whole world how gleeful she is, while hooking on to someone else who can make her happy

At the end of the day it's my fault

Because I'm not a good companion

Nor a good friend

I've realized these few days even more that

I indeed have changed from the past

I used to just tell someone when the person hurt me 

Tell the person my feelings bluntly without a care

But me today has evolved into someone who is too afraid of showing her deepest emotions, at least not one-to-one  

Someone who just goes into a reclusive mode, tells herself she doesn't give a shit about that person, blocks out that person...though maybe subconsciously.

I've been telling myself

"This trip will never happen again. You might never come back to the same place again. Don't be so affected by the emotions that you lose sight of the  beauty of nature and your surroundings. Your parents and taxpayers didnt send you all the way here to be so unhappy. Your friends back home would worry about you. Your friends here who care, even if they aren't close, are still trying. There's no need to block everyone out like they're your enemies. There's no need to be so selfish and close the door on everyone. You're not A/That big shot and just a small fry, so who do you think you are to block others out like that"

Yet this other part of me wants to just be selfish for myself, and choose to not get hurt again.

Conclusion of the war- easy to say, hard to do; lwha has never been known to follow her brains.

And she's finally realized that on this trip.

I honestly would die to go home now

But I know it's just me now and when i look back in the future I would be filled with regrets and reminscence if I did not treasure time enough now

So.

May tomorrow be a better day

All fingers, toes and anything else crossable, crossed.