Wednesday, March 20, 2013 | 3/20/2013 11:59:00 PM | 0 comments
Guess what I'm back for.Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Idk what I'm doing man.
Idk what I'm doing Here rantin my ass off and I think makin every single other person here disturbed and ruining people's moods.
Idk what I'm doing
Idk why but i feel like I'm not in control of myself.
Idk why I lack so much self discipline
Idk why I can't seem to wake myself up.
Idk why I can't stop my heart from racing everytime I lose concentration of what I'm supposed to do.
Idk why!
Idk whether people are pissed with me.
Idk Why I feel that everyone is pissed with me and against me and doesn't like me and everything.
Idk if people actually like me or not.
Idk if people actually care or not.
Idk if people will actually be there when I need em or not. But then again I don't even tell em I need them (at least not anymore).
Idk and I don't understand.
And I'm going crazy and hysteric.
Idek why I'm so angsty.
Idk why some people keep thinking I'm talking about them and ytd when I mentioned "evil people" they have to go say funny things when HELLO you're not the only one in my world and you Arent even that big if you think I'm talking about you then well maybe it's just your Conscience pricking you that you did Something Wrong!
Idk why I feel so distressed and so crazy.
Irdk omg.
Idk why I feel especially useless these few days to everyone and everything.
Idk how to make myself do work faster.
Idk how to make myself feel better
I think I'm just too lax on myself.
Idk how but I need to be more strict on myself and I'm considering slapping myself if I start to slack but that's just crazy isn't it and I'm a freedom lover I can't be so disciplined and everything Urgh I can't be controlled and idek how to control myself now!
And I think I feel so useless cos of my --- it's like everytime I go there i feel like I'm useless Cos yes that's actually kinda what reality is.
My...group isn't useful to the Big Group and neither is my role anywhere and recently I don't quite wanna go there cos I feel so useless and I realised there's some form of Dread in me even.
I hate feeling so useless idW to feel so useless I Must be more useful I Must become a better person!
And Idk Why I feel that members in our group are not people I wanna be close to now cos I think cos of the stress everyone is starting to have cold and hot shoulders and I'm like oh gosh IDK WHAT'S GOING ON!
It feels like there are so many things being kept from me.
It feels like I'm just plain Useless.
It feels like I'm so Extra.
And IDK WHY!
Idk math
Idk humans
Idk anything
What do I Know
I know that I Don't know!
What must I do.
I must Know!
How do I Know.
I need to be more disciplined
I need to control myself.
I need to find myself back.
Easy to say, idk how I'm actually gonna do it.
I'm just a realistic yet idealistic person.
I need to scream out my useless-now speech on expectations to my freaking Self or I need someone to scream that in my ear and slap me awake!
I'M the one who's gonna end up in the freakin pig sty!
I'M the one that needs to be more willing to Push myself harder if I wanna reach the top Of the mountains.
But I'm realistic.
And I'M the one who Cannot lower my expectations and goals but improve my reality although I am So realistic I Doubt I'll be able to improve myself.
Does anyone even know or Understand what I'm saying
Because I Don't even Know myself
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I keep saying I want to cry
But idk Why I just Can't
And I want to cry
But IDK WHY because its not gonna solve anything.
I just dw to be so useless anymore.
Idw to be a useless person.
A useless friend that will never be good enough.
Useless student who will never do well enough.
Useless leader (if I even count as one) who will never do Anything.
I miss Mj and Hy, my role models.
Mj's alr in US uni when she is only same age as my stupid pig sis who kept us out of e house for half an hour cos she was Dead Sleeping.
Idk when I can get to bake again.
Idk when I can get to pierce my ears.
Idk how badly I will do for my exam.
Idk how badly I will do for my bts at this stage.
Idk how many people will still be here after everyone sees all my angst posts these few days and see me revealing who I really am.
Idk if anyone will still like me.
Idk how to do math.
Idk how to do IH and history
Idk how I'm going to finish my homework on time And start on revisions
Idk how I'm going to pass theory cos I'm really around 64-68 range now and the passing is 66 and my teacher is overseas.
Idk how I can miss people who don't even care idk how to be continue like nothing is wrong and be nice to people who I think hate me
Idk how to love when I feel like everyone doesn't love me.
Idk how to change everything.
Idk how to make everything okay.
I only know (besides not knowing anything) that I must keep trusting God and just let him lead me through this and I must trust him cos he loves me when everyone else might not.
But I hate what I am now andddd ughhhhhhh Idkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk :'/////
