Think.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013 | 2/27/2013 02:28:00 PM | 0 comments
That's what I always see on math worksheets nowadays with big red circles, multiple triangles, scribblings everywhere.Roflmao when my mom used to teach me every single question of a math worksheet my worksheets turned out nicely ticked and everything
And now when I decided I'm gonna be independent from her and stop asking her to teach me cus she screams once at me every question she teaches me,
My worksheets turn out like that.
And yeah the quiz today sucked so badly idk how I'm gonna get a b3 this sem.
And I wanna go for tuition like all the seemingly smart people do but like my sis says "they only Seem smart cus they just learn before others"
So it's actually a very fake way (I think at least in my sis' opinion) of being smart huh HAHAHAHAHA.
But maybe I do really need it.
Anyway that wasn't my point.
I think why I've stopped thinking is because there are too many things that I have to think about now that I've just shut down.
Or I just want to. Desperately.
And prolly plus all the waking up at 3+ to do work and malfunctioning e rest of e day.
I feel tired. But who am I to complain.
I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and trying and never getting anything.
It's such a sick and sucky feeling that idk how to explain it.
I tell myself to never give up, to keep trying.
But all I wanna do is give up hahaha.
Maybe that applies more for ships.
The only reason why I keep trying is cus it feels like if I don't try or I don't do anything, the other sailor would just sink the ship and row away on a canoe or something and I'd be left floating there alone again.
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I wonder if anyone knows what I did.
I wonder if I myself even know what I did.
Then a sudden realisation that maybe I shouldn't have done it at all.
Everyone who knows about it basically tells you that you did a good thing but don't support you in actions.
And you're kinda rather alone.
okay maybe not cus I have looyee.
Sigh I wonder why i must sit so far away from her I just wanna be near her cus she makes me feel better and smile/laugh even when I'm on the verge of crying.
Okay not saying Chellie doesn't. Haha she comforted me through action after e quiz? Haha but I don't even think I looked sad it was just a blank stare.
I just hope that I really did the right thing.
Or that i'd know what to do to make things right again.
I wonder if anyone knows that although it seems like i did a super heartless thing and I sound so ruthless my heart actually aches a lot.
I wonder if anyone could understand how conflicted you feel when the evil and good side start to become blur, when the aims of what you do suddenly become grey.
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Sometimes I just want to shut up and stop caring and see if anyone would stop to listen or show me they care or start to listen.
But for 'friends', I wouldn't dare to do that cus I know no one would.
And for friends, I'd feel guilty doing that cus I think I know that they care and I shouldn't be testing them although I feel really unsecured.
And for , who are actually this invisible, who I have some feeling actually exist but just want to remain like that, I just want to laugh because i feel crazy when I think that there are invisible people who might care. It's like. If I have trouble already believing/feeling secured in the people in front of me, how could I actually even hope there would be invisible people? Hahahaha.
But for me, I think that maybe all I need to feel secured is for people who I'm close to to stay close to me. Maybe physically or virtually. But then again, maybe that won't be enough hahaha. I'm a greedy kid yay!
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Today's one of my favourite teacher's birthday! Or maybe just the teacher that has taught me one subject the longest hahaha. I wished her happy birthday and it's abit awkward but hehe. Anw I'll wish here again Happy Birthday Ms C!
Friday's gonna be my favourite/best non-cca senior's birthday!!! Hehehehe I will try to stay happy on Friday for her sake!
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Had to check our...body measurements list today rofl and I got a shock.
For the first time in my life since I was 5/6 (except 2005 when I was diagnosed), I got an A man. always an O.
And then I felt happy suddenly for a while.
But then reality came to me and..
look at me la- how can that be possible! I doubt the readings HAHAHAHAHA I think I'm actually Extreme O or sth hahaha the machine spoilt by me hahaha xP
And then there are others who complain about being what 50-55% range LOL.
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I think I've always been deemed as a bad horrible evil kid since young.
Rebellious.
Some day sometime recently, someone asked me why I wasn't a leader.
I felt shocked cus I was like thinking "why would you even think of this question-how could I be associated with a leader??"
Hahahaha maybe I can be a leader.
Leader of bad kids.
What even defines a leader? The whole bulk of history last year was basically trying to learn/define that.
Yet till now I'm still not sure hahaha.
But what I know is that I quite probably definitely don't have the qualities to be a leader.
Cus I'm just not good enough yay.
Since when was I ever "good enough" in any human's eyes hahaha- not even perfect or excellent, just good enough.
I think I've decided.
Since I already did it, such a ruthless thing, and everyone prolly thinks I'm a horrible friend and a horrible person, I should just stay that way then. Hahaha.
Bad kid for life.
I'm always a bad kid and a bad person yeah.
So run away from me.
Go away and stay away from this big bad wolf.
