Don't expect a very emo and meaningful post.
I'm prolly just grouchy and sleepy but I am not tired because I just woke up 1hour after I decided "I'm gonna do some research then block" and fell asleep 30mins after.

Today morning started super bad, since I got up and felt so tired with a pounding head that all I wanted to do was to go back to sleep and ignore all the moral obligations I had screaming in my head.
Then I grouchily prepared to get out of the house and I couldn't enjoy my favourite sunny side up between 2 toasts while reading Monday morn's papers but okay so I tried to eat my breakfast in the bread bag my helper packed it in before I left house but just then whoosh all my favourite yolk just spilled down my black band tee down my skirt and I raged and just threw the bread on the table and after changing out of a yellow skirt hastily w e help of my helper I stormed out of e house.
Calmed down and band bonding was okai although I was a loner but there were only 18 people there. Talk about pathetic.
Went to class and the first thing I was bugged about were my dresses so okay I showed em to people again and yeah everyone was telling me how unsuitable everything was and I was at the verge of raging and going crazy again when some angelic voice said "you want me to go shopping w you?" or something along those lines of offering to go dress-huntin w me. Okay in reality that angelic voice actually belongs to a very noisy monkey but yeah and I was so (': cus she got her dresses alr but she wanted to go w me I am actually still in a bit of disbelief yay but we're going out on wednesday I am so excited!!

And then we went for BSP and my mood turned for e better except I was hypo and feeling giddy and shaky (I realised durin BSP lessons somehow I'm hypo quite often) but I felt better cus Ji Laoshi is teaching us now and she's a fabfabfab tchr (also my 论文指导老师!) and she let us watch movie and she's just interesting so yay! And e boy in e movie was so cute although we only watched like 18mins or sth i think.

And I realised I didn't check my gmail and so I checked after lesson and my mood crashed.
Haha I never told anyone but actually I think I feel quite disappointed which is partly why the rest of my day was quite ... Although I wasn't sad or anything. It's like just on Saturday or someday that I felt so decided, and I was hoping again and determined and motivated to work hard. Then just a few days later, all these crashed down and I'm left with nothing but..disappointment.
And as much as I kept telling myself 要知足常乐 cus at least I get to go to UK but how can you compare such a meaningful and life-fulfilling and life-changing trip to a study trip where you spend lots of money listening to lectures after lectures by scarier and scarier professors. I actually rather go back to china and have beida professors but I must appreciate the opportunity that I have Cambridge and Oxford profs to learn from now.

So yeah that's partially why I didn't wanna tell anyone how lousy and disappointed and blah I felt because I know everyone would judge me for not appreciating my uk trip and wanting to do such funny things beyond my already crazy enough life.

Sigh.
Okay let's just open all the decks on the table- this whole thing just crashed my newly found motivation for working hard the whole year. and I was thinking of how there would def be >30 people signing up and thinking of how lousy the non-leaders who signed up would feel when they know theyre not chosen and they placed it as first choice. And I...sigh why can't there just be more trips urgh idw to talk about this anymore it's too depressing and no one would even understand sigh.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF EITHER why can I just be more appreciative of everything I have and stop wanting more and more.
Why must I always end up wanting to possess things/ships that would never belong to me.
That's why I'm so possessive of my belongings. Cus I know they're mine.
And everything else isn't as much as I want them.

I should just live alone away from everyone else. Which is what I'm gonna do. Like the loner me now I'd just continue being a loner for 20more years and everyone else would have forgotten about me like they are already starting to now and id earn a whole life's worth of money by fulfilling my unknown aspirations and dreams and since prolly no one would want to be with someone like me I'd just leave 20 years later and go live alone in a farm with pigs and dogs and ponies and penguins and I won't eat them and i will live a peaceful life alone.

On a more serious note I'm quite thankful for the few true/close friends I have although sometimes they seem invisible but that's just me and i Think they are always there and i really don't have many or dont even have a few but I'm just really grateful at how these few friends help me move on everyday, by making me laugh, or saving my burning ass aka graces/results/everyth else, by making me feel better after a long tiring day, on the bus when I'm half Dozing off and I see their messages, by letting me pester them and accepting me a great deal although I am just...a useless, not high abled and just a bad friend.

And the best part of today was spending 3 hours trying to get kids to do homework and actually teaching them homework- Chinese compo, English compo, English compre, chinese worksheet, math sums, all those thrown in my face and I had to answer one after another's questions but it was so fulfilling and 2 of e girls I spent the most time with (cus I made them learn their chinese spelling too and secretly gave them gummies which would've gotten me into trouble but made them work hard) wrote me a letter when they were done w their work and the supervisor let em "put away" (homework) and play and I moved on to another small table. It turns out my worries of not being able to full-heartedly fulfil my cip hours were just unnecessary cus I wanted to stay there forever and the only thing that chased me back home was a hungry me and greying sky.

I wish I could ask everything I wanted if they could be mine. I wish everything could be like piglets- always there and never leave me. I wish everything/everyone would agree.

I anticipate going home everyday just to put down my heavy bag and hug the piglets I want to hug tightly despite my smelliness after the whole day, and after dinner when usually I flip w everyone else at the table cus I'm such a bad bad bad child, id just be waiting to return to my room so I could see my whole mountain of piglets waiting there for me to hug.

Do I sound like a desperate weirdo sigh. whatever.

Anw okay now that Ive ranted maybe I shall just think that the ocip trips are just not for me and anyway the improvements and help there for those people will still get done by people who are Better than me in every possible sense- Respectable Student Leaders. And I'll just learn everything I wanted to experience overseas back in Singapore. I'll just learn to take shit in my stride. I'll learn.

------------------------------------------------

Posted this at like 11.30 or sth but I'm back and RAGING because I'm angry with how many things are flowing all just from different one-people hands at the top level managements of different systems, incl the small one i am in (small compared to e whole school) and it's not that those top level managers are really free or have a lot of time to keep doing different things and it's making me angry. And I have no right to be angry but I am and i just made some super decisive remark on yepmam to do the things that were originally between the bm and DM. I know I'm dam stupid and useless and insignificant and everything but I want to at least do something because I'm not someone who can sit at the side and just let the people who are slogging their guts out 24/7 continue slogging. Maybe I'm bossy and idiotic and highly-possibly hated behind everyone's masks but I just want to heck this shit man. Urgh and now I'm thinking how rash I was and urgh why did I even go and shoot my mouth offfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!


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MiL EniledA.
an average 14-year old;
Wishes come true on 30 Jan;
Taonannite 2006-2009, BiCEPer 2007-2009, NYgirl 2010-2011;
adeline30197@hotmail.com.

Wants.
God. True Friends. Family. Love. Care. Health. Happiness. Simplicity. Peace. Everything to be okay.

Her Thoughts | Her Words | Friends | Friends | Friends

Don't expect a very emo and meaningful post.
I'm prolly just grouchy and sleepy but I am not tired because I just woke up 1hour after I decided "I'm gonna do some research then block" and fell asleep 30mins after.

Today morning started super bad, since I got up and felt so tired with a pounding head that all I wanted to do was to go back to sleep and ignore all the moral obligations I had screaming in my head.
Then I grouchily prepared to get out of the house and I couldn't enjoy my favourite sunny side up between 2 toasts while reading Monday morn's papers but okay so I tried to eat my breakfast in the bread bag my helper packed it in before I left house but just then whoosh all my favourite yolk just spilled down my black band tee down my skirt and I raged and just threw the bread on the table and after changing out of a yellow skirt hastily w e help of my helper I stormed out of e house.
Calmed down and band bonding was okai although I was a loner but there were only 18 people there. Talk about pathetic.
Went to class and the first thing I was bugged about were my dresses so okay I showed em to people again and yeah everyone was telling me how unsuitable everything was and I was at the verge of raging and going crazy again when some angelic voice said "you want me to go shopping w you?" or something along those lines of offering to go dress-huntin w me. Okay in reality that angelic voice actually belongs to a very noisy monkey but yeah and I was so (': cus she got her dresses alr but she wanted to go w me I am actually still in a bit of disbelief yay but we're going out on wednesday I am so excited!!

And then we went for BSP and my mood turned for e better except I was hypo and feeling giddy and shaky (I realised durin BSP lessons somehow I'm hypo quite often) but I felt better cus Ji Laoshi is teaching us now and she's a fabfabfab tchr (also my 论文指导老师!) and she let us watch movie and she's just interesting so yay! And e boy in e movie was so cute although we only watched like 18mins or sth i think.

And I realised I didn't check my gmail and so I checked after lesson and my mood crashed.
Haha I never told anyone but actually I think I feel quite disappointed which is partly why the rest of my day was quite ... Although I wasn't sad or anything. It's like just on Saturday or someday that I felt so decided, and I was hoping again and determined and motivated to work hard. Then just a few days later, all these crashed down and I'm left with nothing but..disappointment.
And as much as I kept telling myself 要知足常乐 cus at least I get to go to UK but how can you compare such a meaningful and life-fulfilling and life-changing trip to a study trip where you spend lots of money listening to lectures after lectures by scarier and scarier professors. I actually rather go back to china and have beida professors but I must appreciate the opportunity that I have Cambridge and Oxford profs to learn from now.

So yeah that's partially why I didn't wanna tell anyone how lousy and disappointed and blah I felt because I know everyone would judge me for not appreciating my uk trip and wanting to do such funny things beyond my already crazy enough life.

Sigh.
Okay let's just open all the decks on the table- this whole thing just crashed my newly found motivation for working hard the whole year. and I was thinking of how there would def be >30 people signing up and thinking of how lousy the non-leaders who signed up would feel when they know theyre not chosen and they placed it as first choice. And I...sigh why can't there just be more trips urgh idw to talk about this anymore it's too depressing and no one would even understand sigh.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF EITHER why can I just be more appreciative of everything I have and stop wanting more and more.
Why must I always end up wanting to possess things/ships that would never belong to me.
That's why I'm so possessive of my belongings. Cus I know they're mine.
And everything else isn't as much as I want them.

I should just live alone away from everyone else. Which is what I'm gonna do. Like the loner me now I'd just continue being a loner for 20more years and everyone else would have forgotten about me like they are already starting to now and id earn a whole life's worth of money by fulfilling my unknown aspirations and dreams and since prolly no one would want to be with someone like me I'd just leave 20 years later and go live alone in a farm with pigs and dogs and ponies and penguins and I won't eat them and i will live a peaceful life alone.

On a more serious note I'm quite thankful for the few true/close friends I have although sometimes they seem invisible but that's just me and i Think they are always there and i really don't have many or dont even have a few but I'm just really grateful at how these few friends help me move on everyday, by making me laugh, or saving my burning ass aka graces/results/everyth else, by making me feel better after a long tiring day, on the bus when I'm half Dozing off and I see their messages, by letting me pester them and accepting me a great deal although I am just...a useless, not high abled and just a bad friend.

And the best part of today was spending 3 hours trying to get kids to do homework and actually teaching them homework- Chinese compo, English compo, English compre, chinese worksheet, math sums, all those thrown in my face and I had to answer one after another's questions but it was so fulfilling and 2 of e girls I spent the most time with (cus I made them learn their chinese spelling too and secretly gave them gummies which would've gotten me into trouble but made them work hard) wrote me a letter when they were done w their work and the supervisor let em "put away" (homework) and play and I moved on to another small table. It turns out my worries of not being able to full-heartedly fulfil my cip hours were just unnecessary cus I wanted to stay there forever and the only thing that chased me back home was a hungry me and greying sky.

I wish I could ask everything I wanted if they could be mine. I wish everything could be like piglets- always there and never leave me. I wish everything/everyone would agree.

I anticipate going home everyday just to put down my heavy bag and hug the piglets I want to hug tightly despite my smelliness after the whole day, and after dinner when usually I flip w everyone else at the table cus I'm such a bad bad bad child, id just be waiting to return to my room so I could see my whole mountain of piglets waiting there for me to hug.

Do I sound like a desperate weirdo sigh. whatever.

Anw okay now that Ive ranted maybe I shall just think that the ocip trips are just not for me and anyway the improvements and help there for those people will still get done by people who are Better than me in every possible sense- Respectable Student Leaders. And I'll just learn everything I wanted to experience overseas back in Singapore. I'll just learn to take shit in my stride. I'll learn.

------------------------------------------------

Posted this at like 11.30 or sth but I'm back and RAGING because I'm angry with how many things are flowing all just from different one-people hands at the top level managements of different systems, incl the small one i am in (small compared to e whole school) and it's not that those top level managers are really free or have a lot of time to keep doing different things and it's making me angry. And I have no right to be angry but I am and i just made some super decisive remark on yepmam to do the things that were originally between the bm and DM. I know I'm dam stupid and useless and insignificant and everything but I want to at least do something because I'm not someone who can sit at the side and just let the people who are slogging their guts out 24/7 continue slogging. Maybe I'm bossy and idiotic and highly-possibly hated behind everyone's masks but I just want to heck this shit man. Urgh and now I'm thinking how rash I was and urgh why did I even go and shoot my mouth offfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!


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