12.57am-4.01am
Sunday, February 17, 2013 | 2/17/2013 01:02:00 AM | 0 comments
My points for my post have disappeared twice- once when I came in at 12.47 after a whole day of adding points after points,And once now after I retyped out all the points that went missing at 12.47.
Here we go again.
News flash of the week:
•Lost water bottle found after one week
•Full marks for Chem quiz-- all thanks to Roo who patiently taught me step by step for >30mins from when I couldn't do 1a of worksheet Till I got full marks for quiz.
Gcp options-
UK's Fixed, 1-20 June! Dk whether im excited cus although i cant wait to be w sap but im More worried about block test 2 and te month of holidays I'll be missing out on where others can catch up w their work and everything. And another thing is that my family is also going to uk for holiday and our initial plan was that I'd join em either before or after our trip but now my mom says maybe i just won't join them after all and I'm like "great even better now." I don't even have a choice the best part of all this is.
Vietnam's my second choice which I'm gonna use as my motivation to do well for now cus it's always been my dream to do overseas cip and like not just in church that kind of mission work context so yeah. And Kat asked me about my gcp options ytd and she's alr opted w me so hopefully we can go together really pray hard I can go cus I really wanna be in the less fortunate parts of the world, widen my lens, learn to appreciate life even more through serving and most importantly, help the people who need the love, care and help. But that'd mean no FAs at all like my target msg would help me avoid so I have to work hard and manage my time well and get good grades so it'd be possible. And also I have to email the teacher tmr to request to go on 2 gcp trips but honestly I'm terrified of communicating w teachers esp ones I'm not familiar w and idek what im gonna say like "hey can I go on two gcps yo"?
I know I have to work hard this year, and to meet my goals I not only have to work hard but work harder than last year, yet somehow idek if I'm working hard enough now. My work goes in on time but most of the times im just pushing everything off till the last minute and I'm not in the mood to do any work cus I think I have too many things to do.
Bassoon exam's in 1 month 3 days honestly I don't feel prepared especially my scales and aural component which the latter Laoshi can't help me with. I don't think I'd have time to bring home to prac anyway so I just hve to make use of bad time and lunch prac.
Gonna start doing cip at the children's home which I went for my la Sia last year, every Monday for 3 hours. Mom wasn't happy and neither am I but over ambitious me here signed up for a Silver NYAA that has to be completed and given to the sch before I graduate and I'm trying to complete e cip component although I prolly might not even accomplish NYAA cus I was sent home from OBS embarrassingly out of my will and my expedition component is incomplete and I have no American time to spend 3 months researching on dk what historical things like please I don't even have the time to be Interested in anything.
Anyway my point is im gonna do cip and although I love doing cip but it's not the right time and I have No choice so I just hope I can still do my cip w a sincere whole heart and not end up half heartedly cus that's not what I want.
With all these rushing up to my face guess what's prolly gonna be pushed back again- piano. Ms low doesn't think I can go for exam in july when im away most of June and I'm so busy alr and I've alr postponed to July from this feb. it's prolly gonna be next jan now and I'm like shiRt cus it's not just about having to learn one grade for 4 years (counting 2014) under a teacher whom we found out cant really teach past grade8. It's not just about the costs of learning and dragging so long at a rate which she doesn't deserve. But I think my passion has been put out a few times this whole long time, and yeah I still have passion for music and piano but my mom just said to my face today "maybe you just lack those music genes and the amount of passion needed". And haha, music's about te only thing in my life I can feel a teeny bit proud of. Idk what else I can not feel lousy about myself other than piano. I don't want to stop and not go for e exam altogether cus 1. Grade8 is not enough, at least not for me. Everyone else does grade8. 2. Who gives up like that after having already learnt close to the 3rd year. But yeah. Music's makin me feel so lousy this moment cus. "you're just not good enough to finish one grade in a year and a half."
So as everyone can see my wonderful and totally exciting year ahead would require Time management and today I tried asking someone to help me plan my time and work and I ended up sup productive but look I don't think I'd ever be able to follow my own orders even if I have the best discipline. Sigh I'll try.
Then Graces. Practically the only topic the ny sec4 world has been talking about Non-Stop and i just need someone to empathise and feel sorry for me and moan with me about how much such social sits actually suck and how dumb i think they are. Boost confidence? I think id be more confident w/o it. Train us to wear dresses and makeup? Like i dont already wear dresses at least 10X a year. Social skills? Like talking about makeup makeup dresses shoes would get the millions of home-alone rural kids in China out of their current state or get the dying-of-malnourishment kids in cambodia and elsewhere out of LIFE DANGER.
Okay actually I kinda came to accept graces already till the dresses part came and how am I suppose to even dress in anything, even the best dress on earth would be ruined by me can and I was so tired after trying out like 14/30+ dresses in my wardrobe and after showing sherry sun ytd night she told me only 3 are More suitable and I'm like oh goshhhhhhhhhhh can I die. Anw so i wanna go out and at least really look around to see Suitable ones but I don't even have the time anymore (nor anyone) cus this coming week the pictures to the teachers are due and OKAY LET ME PUT A FULL STOP first. /breathes/ Was i really thinking that I could get a dress out there that would make Me look good?! Ugh PFT i should just accept reality alr and just wear one of the manymanymany dresses i alr have. Then comes "WHICH FREAKING ONE DO I WEAR."
Like I'm not already stressed enough about all my more stressful enough causes now I have to be stressed about such a stupid thing like this which i don't even support like. Qobsoansakna isn't it just training people to be vain and shallow?! Ugh WHY DON'T SOMEONE JUST GET ME A CHICKENPOX VIRUS INJECTION AND SHUT THE HELL OUT OF ME.
Recently ive been observing and i decided i dont like my form teachers- both cus theyre really judgemental. Even if one is really caring and scolds us for our own sake and is quite cute but still judges so condescendingly it gave me shivers down my spine. I really don't get why people have to judge like why even me? It sucks so bad cus I now think that society has no room for imperfection because of this one reason-- society is judgemental. You are judged cus you are imperfect. You are then imperfect because you are judged.
Idek if anyone gets my nonsensical ranting.
Although I've been trying to put something off my mind but it's never been able to leave and actually I'm surprised I can even keep mum about it for so many days already. My conscience just keeps tugging and tugging and I might be selfish to say this but idw to have to feel this guilt anymore-for something I didn't do but just by Knowing this happened/happens and not doing anything about it, my conscience is eating me up and I feel so pushed to have to get this settled soon idc if I'm a bad guy or I'm most hated or I'm selfish and everything. I think it's time my conscience got a say after so many days and i want to sleep in peace. Yeah that's what I've been thinking about these few days.
Band today was great and it was exciting playing nearly whole piece closed book and I could memorise the whole piece alr which is prolly why I enjoyed band so much today cus I felt like I'm not so useless after all (esp after e piano incident/ lousy music feeling that's been in me e past few days) But yeah joke's aside syf is less than 50 days away. And I think some people have dam serious APs. and admit it, (i admit myself), I'm still a loner in this cca if not for my role in yepmam. Thats what i felt walking out alone today cus evelyn left alr. Honestly speaking, in the past few weeks many times a random thought came to my head- what is this cca to me still? I lost a lot of passion for it, esp w so many indiv pracs. I've been going for cca just for the sake of practicing for my exam, for the sake of responsibility, for the meetings at the end that sometimes not much comes out of.
Today I felt some passion reignited. It was a good feelin that I hope doesnt get put out soon again. And yeah, laputa sounds like a good song although I've never personally heard it before, but I'd honestly rather play something I feel more passionate about/more popular at least, like Harry potter and Caribbean. Laputa- how many people would even know of it? Okay jap music is good, jap movies are touching. But I've never heard of that name. or even totoro till...the new conductor. And totoro only makes me happy cus the whole piece is gay and like the kind I like. Sigh I just hope laputa doesn't turn me off even more.
My bro has always been a fan of like animal planet and all the sciency animal conservation shows and these few days I've been watching and I realise i actually hate them. Okay maybe not hate but dislike. It's not that I dislike the beautiful tigers or the stingrays or what. It's just I can't stand watching how people go so close to them just to protect them and then film them eating fishes, penguins, innocent deers. Yeah, it's all a life chain cycle, so I should just suck it up. But if it's a life cycle, why do these animals need to be protected and all that so much just cus they're more rare and more ferocious, unique and everything? How about the tiny penguins eaten up by leopard seals, or the Innocent deers by tigers, just becuse they are more common, insignificant, smaller, does it mean they don't need protection? I just feel so turned off whenever my bro watches these shows. I feel so sad for the poor animals that get eaten although I know the bigger animals can't help it. I wonder why it's always the better ones that are protected, the ones that seem weak and what near extinct (I don't even think they are) when they are actually strong? Do the small ones who seem stronger not need any? What if they're actually not strong at all? Can their lives be sacrificed just like that? Who will protect them? so Many of them.
There's this random idiotic thought swimming in my head rn that why aren't the roles of the prey and predator reversed so that the prey eats the small numbered predator or that there are just fewer preys so there are fewer deaths. Even if it means the predators won't live long.
These few days I have had close ties with piglets hahaha. Not the ones that used to mean e whole world to me honestly idk how but they've seem to have lost any significance to me. I look at them now and just leave em there. It's the ones that are big and nice to hug or still have significance that I anticipate going home to hug everyday. Cus sometimes when you want it you can ask for it. But most of the times when you really need it it's hard to come out from the mouth. Piglet's there as long as I need it. Piglets' good enough.
These few days or idk this period of time this question has been swimming in my head and yet idk who to ask- What are friends? Or what is the definition of friends?
I know it's pathetic to ask that question but these few days somehow it felt like I didn't have an answer.
Merrian Web dictionary:
1. one attached to another by affection or esteem
2. acquaintance
3. one that is not hostile
4. a favored companion
Haha all these are such lamen wordy terms. I think one of e few friends i have would be roo, cus she's so patient w me and always we make each other laugh. But that's just about it. That's a comfortable kind of friend. Not too close. Not too far.
Recently I thought i found another true friend. Yeah I think the person is a friend. I constantly tell myself that we're only friends and I shouldn't expect any more or I shouldn't even expect anything. But the mix signals the person gives makes me so confused sometimes.
(I actually wanted to type out diff paragraphs/points for friends and ships but I decided to merge them.)
Idk what kind of person I am.
I think Im the kind that, once anyone is nice to me, or not say nice maybe even just niceR (relative terms), I will start to be moved, I will want to treat the person nice too. Haha stupid right. The high high walls many think I have, are actually that easy to knock down.
I hate that about myself. I should start to like cold people instead of nice people.
Cold people can't hurt you more than an ego hurt. Nice people leave when they're done being nice. Nice people might just be nice in the spur of the moment and you're just left there wanting to return extra niceness cus that's just how your sucky character is like but you're rejected or just ignored. And you can't explain how much it stings till the point where your fingernails feel tingly and numby because you're just friends and what else could you want.
Sometimes I should just be alone.
I think I'm meant to just be forever alone haha.
Idk if anyone would actually do this, i honestly doubt so- But I'll just post a pic below. And see if anyone would like to do it. challenge to me and a challenge to you.
P.s. actually I'm not so emo in real life it's just everytime I blog the thoughts swimming around my head surface and I get more.. Thoughtful. I don't feel sad or anything. Just thoughtful. So I'll be okay. I have piglets.
(edited at 10.02am)
