Week Zero
Sunday, January 6, 2013 | 1/06/2013 12:23:00 AM | 0 comments
In the past 3 years of my band life, I've never believed in writing concert journals. In fact idek what its supposed to be like. But the past week has been so crazily hectic for me and today I just finally got the time to stop my mind and think bout anything other than band u and the papers. So this concert made me want to write at least a... Reflection.This week I'm sec4! Or I am officially sec4! It's a really Awkward feeling.
Everything's just awkward for me hahahahaha. Awkward Adel.
Yepmam was a great part of my life this week. Orientation, band U, meetings, band, and I really won't forget thurs evening when we group-called so many seniors (nice ones) (and a not so nice mom) together, after deciding that it was too awkward when we called a few seniors individually. Arriving at that decision together, accepting it together,calling mrs Koh tgt.
It was a hard night for me haha. Trying not to cry on the bus. Trying to study Chem while fighting all the newly appearing bubbles that formed in my head. Trying to accept that we really tried our best. Trying to fight the scenarios of having to break te news to people who might not accept it.
Trying to accept that now it's my fault because I didn't manage to contact enough seniors, and no longer the teachers'.
But I guess God did give me serenity.
Friday was a nervous wreck day w chem! but I'm thankful for everyone that cheered me on- yepmam, Cjj, 413 haha it was nice seeing 413 and 409! (: I got past it (: but I also found out only on fri that mr khoo wants us to take im1 and im2 too. Soo yup explains why I didn't have time for anything else these few days.
From after chem paper suddenly felt so sick and the symptoms I've been feeling for quite a while came back.
The heavy/burning head, giddiness once I stand up, no matter how short/long I sat/was down, that i can't see anything focused/clearly and just wanna throw up, and the terrible backaches.
I guess it's prolly just another stress sign that I shouldn't bother bout but it made me feel so sick ytd I was in bed e whole night!
To make matters worse some really-fake dude came asking me stuff and tried to start this really fake convo but I was so sick I replied so snappily and nastily haha. My 2013 resolution to not be nice to people who've got serious superior complex. I thought you Love to ignore me forever cus you're way higher than me, why sudden caring-ness? I thought only Barbies existed. Sudden realisation that there are Kens too. (; Looking back now, even if I wasn't feeling sick I'd have replied this way.
Okay sorry sudden angstiness. I'm a really horrid person actually urgh going home alone now cus I asked my senior to send my junior home so she could get home safely and actually there was this small voice in my head that wanted to not ask so that i wouldnt have to go home alone but i did in the end. and im half wondering if id get kidnapped or gang-raped or anything seeing that I'm sucha loner but then again who would want to kidnap someone poor and fat hahaha.
-------fell asleep on the bus and now I'm home------
#np On Rainy Days- B2ST
Bleh feel lousy. Shall finish this up and sleep early so I don't have to think anymore.
today I prepared history notes and read bio notes and did math and did LA then I went to the concert. This girl behind me on the bus dropped her unopened cup of koi and the plastic burst open and everyth spilled out so awkward me sitting in front of her tried to help clean up all the mess but it went down the steps all the way to e front alr so this woman told us not to bother cleaning. Cut the inside of my second finger knuckle bleh.
Concert was really.. Wow. Haha.
Hcimb played Yorkshire ballad which brought up 2012 memories where I played it w Ashley durin appa.
Then they played Flight. Before I knew it my eyes was wet. And they was not just a little damp. it was terribly awkward cus my senior and my junior were at my sides. 2011 memories came rushing back.
And just as I tried to push them away, the seniors came out. Batch 11 seniors mainly. This time round I didn't look at them like a foolish sec2 who taught they were all angels. the sec4 me wondered how many masks each of them had. But still, there were seniors that made me feel so happy to see them! Jane, michlim, And Esther and yujun! I rmb them during Concordia, how they talked to me and brought me along for dinner when the rest just treated me like carbon dioxide. Besides them, comm12, Ashley, Yutzu, and actually even seeing batch 12 people made feel overwhelmed. I was wishing so badly that that was an Appassionata concert, wishing I was on stage rather than in e audience, wishing i was still in 2010. Sudden sad moment then haha but things got better I guess. I faced that we are all already in different worlds. I think you could guess that from all my emotions and thinking at that point, I wasn't really paying attn to the music. But I knew that they sounded whoa-so-good. And i liked the saxes perf after the intermission! And how all the music was so strong and powerful. I wished I was playing with them, rather than with juniors who make me feel so...... Anw yeah. I suddenly lost all the inspiration I had before boarding the bus.
Moving onn.
Cus of today, I realised I'm back to having a phobia of someone..The walls are up I guess. Maybe not phobia but when I see this person, it's not dislike but..反感 that I want to move away immediately. Like how i used to feel last time. And idk who I can tell bout this sigh I think this is really unhealthy but seeing this person just keeps reminding me of how the person left and left and left again and I just cant/didn't want to see the person. When the person wanted to give up completely last time, idk why I was still trying to hold on and tell the person not to. Now I think the person's right though. I can't recover from the past so soon, so people wouldn't want to waste their time and energy on me trying/staying anymore and like I...understand now. Just, the walls will keep going higher and higher the next time w every breakdown of the wall.
So it's not just to rant here. Or that I'm trying to convey anyth to anyone cus I'm not but like. I suddenly felt that i might just be a hopeless case that everyone should give up on. Hahaha.
These thoughts kinda made me feel really shitty though and after the concert as I was crossing e bridge alone I felt so..sigh and like "yeah you deserve this." i even had thoughts of what would happen if the bridge collapsed or I got knocked down or if I died tonight. ohhgosh. I feel better after confessing this cus it means I won't actually do those but I feel so horrid realising I thought about such stuff.
Now as I'm back home I'm wondering what happened to my newly made 2013 resolutions- to be more confident like how practically everyone who tell me about me have been saying. I'm wondering how I can actually stop letting the old me come back once certain memories are triggered. Or all my old values and everything. How to become someone new who can just be a teeny bit more sure of myself. Sigh!
Idw to think anymore this sucks. And irdk whether this post can stay here. The reason why I've been deleting posts is not cus I want to dk what spark more views and stuff but just cus posts like these are all so raw and unrefined thoughts of mine blurted out that at one end I'm not sure what the power of these words are and at the other end I'm not sure if these words could be seen by people who don't even understand me, or aren't even close to me.
So yeah I'm going off to sleep. The best thing to do so I don't have to think anymore. Suddenly anticipating the whole busy/dready week ahead so I dont have to think about anyth.
I'm not slim.
I'm not pretty.
I'm not smart.
I'm not nice.
I'm not good.
I'm not perfect.
But I'm me.
Ending off with a really abstract/ugly pic of the encore piece I heard! Drew it during one of the lectures in china, when I was feeling just like the title. Idk what it actually means. But to me....maybe the pic might say something? Idk hahaha "abstract art" I didn't really set any meaning behind my drawing either. Just..raw emotions
It's gonna be a hard night again.... At least I know my God's with me.
