Monday, October 8, 2012 | 10/08/2012 09:18:00 PM | 0 comments
Really dk what to write here anymore.Afraid of being labelled as "poor thing" or "scolding" again after today.
To you who I may/may not know,
What was your purpose in doing that, in telling her something that wasnt true at all?
When did I scold anyone here recently?
Idk what I did to you that you must do this to me now.
But please, if you really don't know me personally, my past and my present private life, and all you want is pleasure from reading my feelings, I plead you to leave this place. I could beg you if you want.
Not start spreading stories to people without showing them the whole story/post even, or telling people that "oh actually this person here has a very sad life".
I don't blog to show people I have a sad life.
In fact I blog to let people know that I am still alive.
I don't blog to let you gossip about me.
Neither do I blog to let you tell others what I DIDN'T say.
Thankfully, she texted me to clear up the misunderstanding.
If you don't read the whole blog post you of course won't know what I'm saying.
If you're immature and dk me well, of course you misunderstand me easily.
So what are you trying to do by telling people such stuff?
To you, it might just be interest to read here, to gossip about.
But to me, it's my feelings, my emotions, the inside of me that you're trampling on.
I've had enough of all these the whole year.
Time and again, different people who think I'm some idiot kept bitching and bitching and bitching. Time and again, I took the greatest amount of energy I had to swallow and swallow and keep mum about these, just to let those people have their way.
Feel like some naive fool, for having thought that this place is private enough for only the people who care enough about me to know how I am.
Didn't know there are people who are just so free and interested in my life.
Especially now exam period whoever you are can still be so free. I really wish you all the best for your papers.
Disappointed.
Why must humans be so cruel?
I think and think, still couldn't think of a reason why you must do this to me. Maybe it wasnt intentional.
But do you even know me?
I wasn't even directing the post at anyone, any stranger who read the recent posts of this blog would know.
All my posts were to myself,
Telling ME how I must learn to be more accepting, more open-minded, more forgiving. Telling Me to hang in there.
Like the fishes I tried to save while jogging in the park just now by confronting the huge group of boys. when my mom scolded me afterwards for not bothering about my own safety and going up like that, I asked her,
What did those fishes do to those boys to deserve them being fished and laid on the ground like toys to struggle for water and be laughed at?
In a park where there isn't supposed to be fishing and where the fishes can live carefreely?
I don't have much more to say here anymore.
I don't even know how many people you spreaded to see this place.
Coupled with all the trying to pack 2 months worth of necessities into just one suitcase, wondering if I will even survive 1 week there, wondering if I will freeze to death because I have to take out more and more thermal suits, coats, to make space for more boxes and boxes of medications, and the preparation for seminar, rehearsals, just-past exams but still-undone revisions, complicated middle-of-nowhere ships and all the other things I've been trying to sustain.
What else do you want from me?
It's been a long time since I just walked off into my room and locked the door without saying anything.
I feel so apologetic to my parents, for my horrible attitude and mood these few days, but it's like shit just keeps adding onto shit just keeps adding onto shit just keeps adding onto shit just keeps adding onto shit just keeps adding onto shit.
It's been a long time since I actually admitted that I miss someone.
I miss yunman, the bff who cared a lot for me.
I miss xinjie, the bff who always cracked me up w her joked and whose shoulders were always there to take my tears.
I miss the old nichapat, who I shared almost everything with and worked hard together with.
I miss drb, the one who motivated me to keep going, to improve and become a better me, who made me laugh and cry but cared a lot.
I miss hy, who is so nice to me and always makes me happy by talking to me.
I miss lbb, my lbb who was so pretty inside.
It's been a long time since I wished that I could have a hug from someone, or just something more than an "are you okay".
It's been a long time since I felt that, if only I could just hear one of the people who I miss' voices for even 10sec, I'd break down.
I'm really trying, trying and trying.
I'm really tired of seeing all the things people do.
All the double sided faces. All the name calling. All the judging. All the trampling over the weak, like lives of animals, but still precious lives.
All the complications and rockiness whenever a ship starts to meet double-directioned waves.
I'm really tired.
I really want out.
I really want all these to stop.
I don't even wanna go overseas anymore.
I just wanna stay alone in my room, isolated from the whole world, from everyone.
I'm really really really scared already.
Scared of being hurt again.
Scared of hurting people again cus I'm such a bad person and end up hurting myself again.
Scared of everything.
The people I miss don't care about me anymore.
The people I don't miss can't give me the sense of security and assurance that I need so much now.
What can/should I do now?
just leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
I dun wanna see anymore.
