Tuesday, September 25, 2012 | 9/25/2012 09:13:00 PM | 0 comments
My hands are badly cramped after intensive piano of 2hours (not as long as usual But. Intensive)Sorry I'm so bipolar. And I don't really think anyone should be here rn please get back to your books.
I realised a lot of things in the past few hours that I really have to get down.
Although out of the urge and the rush many kinda slipped my mind.
Mom made me help her transfer her iphone stuff into com just now and I was alr on a tight schedule:
-Chinese paper
-bio tb
-piano
-bassoon
-evening run
-vaccination
-math im2 timed trial
-theory
I was a little annoyed cus I had to use my sis' mac and honestly I dk how to use it. So I was fiddling around and getting a lil irritated cus my mom was being impatient at one end and my sis was ranting to me on the phone bout how my mom was being demanding and everything and I was like "hello here I am trying to think and there both of you are ranting to me bout each other like I'm each of you."
And yeah after a few nights ago I was still a lil upset w my mom.
I took 2 hours to help my mom. When I was near done she told me to sync her notes too. and while syncing they actually opened and well I didn't mean to but I kinda read them. Read bout her feelings about a lot of things. The notes were kinda like her personal diary and stuff.
And I almost cried. Thankfully she was sleeping. I really felt sad and horrible.
Have I mentioned that I'm one of the worst people I know?
She actually just meant regretting letting me do something instead of regretting what I thought she regretted.
and there were other stuff on her list like....a new piano and housing stuff.
I know how her piano is sentimental to her cus it is a memory of something but I told her recently that I really wanted a piano that wasn't >20 years old. Cus my teacher keeps going on bout how our piano is getting too old for my level currently.
And I thought she wouldn't want to change cus it was well, sentimental. But I didn't know better.
And I was also reminded, of how just one year ago, life wasn't so good cus we were on the verge of losing everything.
Friends from now wouldnt know anything, but if any friends from my past still read, they'd remember the case 1 year ago.
And yet after 1 year when God lead us through everything and our life is better, I forgot how everything used to be, the fear everyday of what could happen.
I remember then, when everything ended, I vowed to myself that if everything could get better, I would learn to be more appreciative of everything I had.
Now. Complaining bout living without security for 1 year when I've been lucky enough to have lived with security for my whole life.
complaining bout how thin hdb walls are and how everyone in the block can hear me prac piano.
And complaining about how everything isn't enough.
I really regret and I realised how I need to treasure everything I have now.
I felt just so bad to my mom. But now I feel more determined to make up to her. I love my mom. And I know everything isn't easy for her. And she loves me a lot. And I hope she likes her iPhone5 which she just went to get!(:
Next! Like I was saying about my already tight schedule, taking 2 hours more out made things worse. Cus I have to so so so many things, yet I only have so little time.
I gotta return my bassoon tmr cus I can't return after that and I wanna save kanghui from Trouble and save Trouble's already-too-badly wrinkled-face.
And I'm quite sad actually cus all that talk about prac-ing my bassoon hard when I bring it home just failed. I only prac-ed twice and no matter what I wanna prac again tonight.
Laoshi actually told me the last time I visited him stuff bout not going for my bassoon exam anymore cus "next year you have to work very hard for syf later too busy."
And I knew immediately who was behind it.
A dictator is someone who controls every aspect of your life. -History
So all the more I need to work harder now, to prove to Laoshi that I can do it. I must and I want to go for my exam even if I die of stress. That's why I'm writing here- to declare this to myself so that I won't regret or forget this determination next year.
4 years in this place where I don't belong- I must get something out of it. Must prove to myself that these 4 years didn't get wasted. Must prove to myself and everyone that my passion for my instru cannot be hit away just cus "next year is syf year and it's gonna be busy cus you have to work hard for syf". It CAN'T.
So all the more I must work hard for my instru.
At the same time my piano too.
Next year I'm finally taking dip1. Have been moving so slowly and lazily for 2years alr. Even zijun finished her dip1 and I took my grade8 earlier than her. Ms low said last week that if my standard remained same as past few weeks, I had a chance of a distinction.
That was before she told me to prac Beethoven again.
I havent prac-ed Beethoven for about a month or more, cus I was asked to focus on my 3rd and 4th piece which I did and am happy w my achievements now.
But moonlight sonata's third movement made me wanna cry. My hands got tangled so badly and the whole piece sounded so screwed. Which explains my "intensive" 2hr prac. My hands wanted to die of cramps afterwards.
I'm not even sure if i'll get a pass for dip now after hearing my first/main piece again. And I'm even more unsure
of what kind of comments I'm gonna get again tmr.
Music,
Music is very important to me. Cus music is the only thing that I seem to be able to at least manage, if not excel. I can't screw up music. Music is way too important to me.
but now's eoys period. And prioritising has never been a strength of mine.
Looking back at my tight plan for today,
Bio and Chinese seem impossible now.
But Chinese is hw and kinda compulsory so I'll do it.
And math and theory and bassoon.
Even if it means I sleep late tnite.
I'll find a way. I have to.
Bio...actually my peers all tell me now that it's not much use studying those
Memory-requiring subs like history and bio which are the hugest undones on my revision list rn.
They're all gonna study only when they come back. If not in china.
Although they say that, I'm still very scared cus bio requires a lot of my understanding which I suck at and after God blessed me w a 37/45 for bt2, a never before, a mission impossible, a miracle, I must work even harder now.
And my grades are basically bad enough that i shouldn't just not study now and die when i come back, cus I know myself that my grades are 10X worser than everyone's. Esp my sbge (thanks mr Khoo for the reminder) class'.
So I should try to study now too.
And I will try. At least look through everything for all subjects once.
As for LA, IH and CL I will mug when the few days come nearer.
Time is so little yet there are so many things to do.
I wanted to go running but i dont have the time now. So ive postponed it to tmr. W my mom. And my health isn't in perfect condition and I had to go sleep at 9 ytd and wake up at 5 today to mug and I had sharp chest pain spasms earlier during math BUT. I can't stop or break down now cus I'm leaving soon and I can't afford for my body to breakdown neither can I afford to stop working harder.
So that's that.
And I haven't packed cus the packing list isn't here and I really don't have the time.
And I'm really actually blogging while eating dinner and walking to the clinic for my vaccination and walking home after realising its closed so I'm trying to hopefully save time while ranting so incoherently and so LOOOOOONG.
But now's 8.30 and okay I will prac bassoon now (in case the noise disturbs neighbours too late), then chinese, then theory and math. If I can't finish math by 12 (I'm actually feeling exhausted from waking up earlier than usual sigh) I will wake up at 4 (or attempt to) to continue the paper. And try to finish it by tmr morn.
It's been a really long post and I hope that no one read this far (although I secretly hope otherwise) and I'm really sorry for ranting but like friends have told me this is like my own diary and I don't really care who reads it or anyth.
I wouldn't usually deleted posts here unlike on twitter but I felt that the post from a few days ago would still be ripped out if I kept a private journal.
Anw all the best guys for studying.
And all the best to me.
I'll try hard to keep going, cus it's really stupid being sad and emoing when I have so many things to do and so little time. I can't promise I won't come back in a few days feeling angsty while ranting and cryin but I will try to just push and get through now!
Jiayou adel! Don't forget what your name means. Don't forget your friends and family who are there for you. Don't forget all your responsibilities and important things to do now, and more importantly don't be selfish nor neglect any of your close ones/hurt them even more.
I remember someone once told me when we were quarrelling, that I was a very selfish person. I understand that now; I'm trying my best to change.
