Monday, August 20, 2012 | 8/20/2012 02:45:00 AM | 0 comments
dk if blogging helps me to compose myself faster, or if it just makes me feel better. but anyways.comm meeting ytd at 10am. then lunched w comm12 at 12.
awkward.
started discussing afterwards bout like stuff.
i think i talked too much cus im on opposition.
they brought up how the student conductors have already been decided by the conductor.
and i got pissed- cus by what basis? without auditions and votes yknow. hmp? favoritism?
firstly, they tried to explain that those 2 would know music.
so i said, "does that mean im not in hmp means i dont know music?"
and they replied "but band needs people who understand music and study bout it more"
and so i replied "so you mean they know music the best?"
that left them speechless.
the next thing they tried to talk about was that "for woodwinds there was only you (me) and her, but since you got into comm we thought we'd give it to her since she prioritized music as her most important choices, like hmp, music, violin, band."
and i replied "so does that mean comm cannot be student conductors? how about mianjun and michelle tay."
basically, i just rebutted all the way till after band took attendance later that afternoon, the comm announced there would be auditions for SCs in 2 weeks, after they stepped down.
actually, my whole purpose in rebutting them so much wasn't to show that i am more capable than the two, or that i even want to become an SC.
i just wanted to show them and prove to them that HMP DOES NOT FREAKING MEAN YOUR MUSIC IS SKY HIGH.
honestly, in sec1 there were grade 5ers in hmp and i was a grade8 alr, so does that mean the grade 5 still knows music better? i guess they overlooked that and its not really good.
i wanted to prove to them that doesnt mean im not in hmp means that i cant do music.
and how about the other hmp candidates that dont even get a chance? how do you show that 2 hmp candidates are better than the rest?
so anw i was so irritated by it but yeah.
the point is, im more of someone who brings up the problems, but often without solutions. so the problems i raise end up going back down to where they come from.
and im really not a suitable candidate for SC either, thinking about it.
dk if i made a right choice, but that was a big decision made by me to speak up. i even brought in the 2 selected ppl's conflicts although i thought that was more private and should be kept to myself. but at that time i just wanted to show them how much they had overlooked by making such decisions with basis-es that even themselves couldn't defend.
not saying that i see everything 360degrees, but that i saw what they couldnt.
saturday was last day of musicals, and also stand down day for sec4s.
teared up secretly, in the dark/in the canteen cus i thought of how much i missed my senior, how much i was unprepared for not having those last 2 nights with her, and how tough it was for her fighting that emotional battle overseas.
really miss musicals alot, esp after all the time and effort spent in. and those 6 consecutive nights of staying till 1130pm. the supper, the uniforms, the lights, the fun, the spookiness.
im gonna miss the last batch of seniors i have, no matter how imperfect they are to me.
after them, i have no more seniors. praying really hard ashley will still come back during syf next year or sth, cus i know the other seniors who i can call MINE wont. prolly.
anw. some random thoughts to jot down here.
i realised i unintentionally kept distances from people, and thats cus i didnt want to get to know them too well.
sometimes, when you get to know someone too well, some of their ugly sides really show and its abit hurtful.
and also sometimes, when you get to become too close to people, when they suddenly leave, its really hard to get used to the change.
thats kinda why i didnt really make many close friends this year ba. other than those i alr know.
and also, this space has actually become quite easily spottable and findable lol with quite a few anons and even people i know who im usually not close to telling me they've visited lately.
its really cool cus all along i wanted people to visit (i guess?) and i thought that if they visited, it meant that they cared.
but i realised it might not be true, cus some are just plain...curious, while others are...well idk you so well and its rather uncomfortable for me if you try to get to know about me so much suddenly.
removed the links from twitter/fb.
and the worry caused me to contemplate- whats more important now, changing the name that i've used for 3+ years and cant bear to change? or leave all the content behind and start afresh.
actually started a new one with the same/similar name, people who are dam free can go and try finding it Everywhere LOL. but i havent done much to it yet. worst resort would be to go there someday.
im actually fine with people reading here..its just, especially for people who dont know me well, the only reason why i'd feel uncomfortable is cus im not sure if you will actually understand me when you don't know me well at all personally.
but if you think you do, well please continue visiting then! i dont mind tags haha. anon ones...........actually i kinda know who you are, but it'd be nice to know the identities of people who read this place. after all, since i dont hide anything/much on my blog, i hope others wont too.
thats all for today, about whether i should really move, maybe someone nice could offer me some advice.
and also for whether the right decision was made about SCs, advice/feedback would be affirmation for me cus it shows that well people read, they care, and they bother.
also, these few days ive seemed to be in a really bad state. health wise, emotion wise, and even results wise. but i thank those that have been here to talk to me and maybe just small chitchat that know they exist. thank you joanna for your stupid texts that made me burst out laughing when i woke up this morning till i nearly teared up, (and if you ever found this place again like you said your fake FBI skills would here is a congrats for you :D) thanks kat for being around these 2 weeks esp during musical nights, and asking me to go out tmr + baking session this week <3 again="again" and="and" being="being" cjj="cjj" closer="closer" during="during" for="for" growing="growing" hazel="hazel" le="le" lovely="lovely" nbsp="nbsp" niceness="niceness" p="p" parents="parents" period="period" thanksss="thanksss" their="their" this="this">
always appreciate what you have in front of you. thats what im trying to learn now too. cus ive lost too much. for now, i'm really really trying my best (whether you see it or not) to show care for people who matter, tolerance, patience and everything. although im kinda a lousy comforter, listener and everything so being more tolerant wont necessarily help. and i dont do much for others. (i think). so i need to improve on my welfare for others also and well, i actually really think i can prove to everyone that i Can take care of everyone! (: but i should improve still.
one sentence of the speaker has been stuck in my head since this morning. our sermon was about the parable of the lost son. since young in sunday school, the focus has always been on the second son's repentence and how he turned back to his father after so long. but today Pastor Wilson shared a new insight, and talked about the first son. he said that although the second son sinned outside and visible to everyone, the first son sinned inside which is more dangerous. the first son was unhappy that the father welcomed the second son w so much celebration and accessories when he himself did not receive anything after all he'd done. and Past. Wilson shared about his experience with this really unpleasant person and asked God why this person still had so many blessings, then God spoke to him, "If blessings were only for people who deserved it, then what is grace?"
SO NOW. im sorry this is yet another long rubbishy pointless post. but this really impacted me to 1. dont judge others just cus they sin outside, because by doing so im sinning inside myself. 2. God's blessings and grace are things i really need to appreciate in my life!
okay thats it im sorry for like 5 posts this week which weren't very short nor happy. so happy hari raya puasa!
