Tuesday, July 10, 2012 | 7/10/2012 01:58:00 AM | 0 comments
hehee should be doing math sia reflections now after finishing the upcoming NBF's ppt buttttt i decided to give myself a break! so tmr and weds are gonna be horrible rushed days for me cus...tmr: cca till 7 (asdfghjkl), come back to practice piano for wed + finish math sia reflections + LA SIA corrections for e group + 文献研究 if have time
weds: piano, bakeeeee! then wen xian yan jiu/ LA SIA corrections for e group
thurs cca till 6/7 again.
actually it isnt that bad but it still sucks for me cus....its not fun.
but nvm i book to bake on weds alr dc hehe will try! today's plan failed cus i wasnt in e mood to bake after last paper like so tired and worn out alr heh ><
gonna try baking new recipe + new food this time, not cookies hehehe praying hard it'd succeed! sup excited :D
and yuppp bts are over hehe :D so fast!
but my results... some expect to fail, some dont expect As luh hehe.
esp math and chem, most disappointing cus i put in e most effort for those 2...on that day came home and locked myself in e room for an hour to... release emotions hahahahaha so drama right xP and didnt tell anybody also cus also dk who to tell heh.
but these are all over, and i thank God for bringing me through. (: especially on that day, where i wanted to just lie on my bed for e rest of e day and sleep and not do anything more because i felt that no matter what i did everything would still be the same, failure. thank God, for pulling me up, out of bed, and comforting me when i was really down, when no one understood or was here.giving me the courage to try again and continue to persevere with the studying even when i felt really demoralized.
Honestly, I was really upset and angry initially, but after so many times, i decided that as long as i tried my best, there's nothing else to regret. God will only give me such results cus he has the best plans for me. he has a purpose, so i will trust him. no matter what results come out, i think after so many times of failure, i have gained the strength to survive through the results collection and all that..its just sometimes afterwards that i'll feel really lousy cus of the results. but i can face everything, and i will face everything bravely.
recently after like one ship sank, i've gone back to trying to hide everything in.
but like i say, im not good at hiding hahahha.
just that im no longer laughing as happily as before, or as truly, but i pray that God will give me fountains of joy which will never cease no matter what happens, cus he loves me and he's here for me!
oh which brings me to something really funny.
my mom, recently she keeps trying to spy on me and keep asking if i have a boyfriend now.
which is so funny cus-okay im not admitting anything, but when things were uhm Supposedly more suspicious/i have more/closer friends to talk to, she didnt suspect anything, but when im not talking to many people now, she suspects stuff. hahaha xD
and no i dun think i use my phone as much now. it's just really dead and empty heh im not popular like everyone else.
oh and i found out that someone was speaking really nasty stuff from before blocks until now and i think the person's still going on now, but i didnt tell anyone, dont intend to and like nvm i'll just ignore ba. it kinda affected me for a while and i kept telling that person to shut up but.. i guess im not obvious enough. its okay, i can face this haha just know that im watching you, annoying person (im not ruining my blogpost with nasty lang over a nasty person) and doesnt mean that when i dont take action or make obvious noise, i dun see/hear the crap that you're doing/saying. tyvm.
and this like connected/seperate keyboard im using now is frigging noisy its keys are so fat not like my laptop's haha hope i dun wake my helper up! back to topic haha.
this Sunday i decided to help out with youth sunday choir, as a pianist hehhe. cus easter's concert i already sang and idrw to sing this time, feel like playing piano more. weirdly, oddly, funnily, stupidly, no matter how many times i've performed since young, or how much i've practiced, on the day i still get stage frights and get super nervous and end up with wrong notes. i guess im just not suitable to be on stage, shining or being watched. heh. also this time as everything is ran by the youths, mommy isn't conducting the choir but v.korkor, and its more stressful in a way i feel. but he being a pianist himself tells me that the trick to playing well is just to hide your mistakes well, dont let people know you made mistakes. well, many people've told me that before. and the thing is, i just cant do it. maybe because im really not good at hiding or faking that i didn't make mistakes when i obviously made them >< but nevertheless, this will be the last official performance (i hope) that im joining at my home church cus after that, other than when i have duties to go back to lead service/be pianist at youth service, i'll be trying out the new place hehe (: i think after being here for so long, i've got to know this home church of mine too well- the people, the place. and as more people join and i grow up to know more things, i realize there are some internal politics also which are getting more and more complicated. it's not like we are doing anything bad or illegal, just like very complicated relations between people i guess...btw i hope all of my friends or at least the people who read here will understand something- that even Christians are humans, we will err and make mistakes. and when some of us are caught and brought to justice, the law is only against them, for their mistakes, and not that the churches or us christians have anything wrong. for us, we accept those who make mistakes still and receive them again, but they will have to go through the punishment for what they have done, on earth, and when in heaven, they have to answer to God. so regarding some of the recent events that might have changed some of your impressions of my religion, i hope all of you won't misunderstand or read too much into it, cus its a personal and one-person made mistake. and no, i don't know the leaders personally. haha. anw, conclu is i just want a change of environment cus i think that im starting to see abit too much of some things, especially since my parents are heavily involved in serving. its like in my cca, we have a lot of internal politics, some that when you're young and immatured you wont see, but when you grow abit older, or have seniors who see higher and further than you and share with you what they know, you will realize there are certain "politics" around too.
actually thats about it haha xD
oh yeah these few days/past week i've been shuffling my 2011 and 2012 playlist and many memories came back as i listened to the songs i heard in 2011 hahaha think i really grew a lot from last year..idk why, i like to look back on my past even when im moving forward. its just a part of me. even if the past hurts and is crazy, somehow looking back makes me feel nice, in a very sharp way. maybe cus its a reminder to me of how i can and must never go back to those times. haha but then when you look further into the further past, you'd wish you were still there, unknowing of everything and happily having everything, the best times of your life. and now i look into a future of unknowns feeling scared and unprepared. and oh the assembly talk today was just grossssssss polluted max from today onwards blehhhh. i never knew what a bj/os was until today. like the speaker was so blunt and just explained it "so we can protect ourselves" roflmao and its like so damn gross because i've heard of some people in our batch who did it already. EW. disgusted. then i also happened to hear that seniors our age or around there last time also did it alr. to me its just..........something i can never fandom. or will never do. i believe in staying pure and whole, for the real mr right! that will be the best gift to give my prince charming (: (although i might never ever get one look at me hahahahahahahaha) cus in love, whenever we fall into it, we will always believe that the one who we love at that time is the mr right, but i will wait until im married and old and like become an adult and not so freaked out over these gross things or fearful of it hahahhaa. s.sun said in this era, its not possible for that to happen - not doing it before getting married, no guy will want me. yes i agree at this rate people are giving themselves up so early in their years, no guy will want me, and so be it. i want someone who will accept me for who i am, not what im made of. those people who only look at appearance and want to have the appearances should just go to kfc. you get what i mean.
so be it, cus after looking at one person last year, i learnt to keep my physical distance from people hahaha you never know what the people who are close to you will do in a spur of anger or idk what. but that HERE, is a secret HERE, for me HERE to know and for no one HERE to ever find out cus only people of my past HERE would know HERE and they HERE are no longer HERE HERE. okay sorry sudden urge to imitate Mrs HERE. hahahahahah xD
im crazy i've been blogging for 45 mins. like while doing other stuff. shall sign off with some lyrics shall i? x) there's still sch tmr so although i wanna play like no one's business and stay up until 6am, i still need to rest and prepare my brain and body again for tmr (OH my right fingers wrist forearm were totally numb after History and after that i couldnt even hold the pen properly w/o feeling the horrible strain on my forearm and fingers- but then i need to share that a miracle occured and i managed to finish my entire 3 qtns although shortage of time + rushing made me miss out some ipt components like for inference qtn must include c.k ): but thank God at least i finished writing my paper!) back to topic anw some of those songs are from my past hehe looking at them again, i find that some of em are still rather apt now. and some are like i want to say.. why did i listen to such lame songs in the past! hehe. right now, my immediate aim after bts, is to become a happy and contented and appreciative person. to listen to my parents and be a good girl hehe. no more funny games! just simple and yeah. i think i should be fine. i think im quite easily satisfied. i think i can satisfy myself with my simple aims. <: i hope. gonna do devotion and sleep at... 2.30 hehe okay gnite my brain's gonna die tmr + musical till 7 WOW FANTASTIC BABEEH.
P.S! happy birthday CJJ! <3 although im not close to them anymore, i miss them super much hehe and i will never forget all the kindness and care cjj has given me during pri 5-sec2. hope she will stay happy and healthy always, because i read her blog sometimes and feel abit sad when i see her sad.. must be happy okay everyone! yes, one of my aims now is also to make everyone around me happy, and to see yall happy will make me happy (:
and and and 3 more close people's birthdays are coming up, one in 2 days, one in 6, one in 13. im counting down, especially the one that im celebrating for the last time... heh.
and now im really lazy to find the lyrics/songs alr cus i suddenly forgot and i really think i should go and sleep soon cus my gastric's hurting again and after just typing about tmr's hours in sch, 12 hrs is no joke okay another time! i'll try not to come and blog too much cus its abit waste time and no one reads here anw hehe or at least anymore but yupyup my wish for this week is to see fy again because she promised to come back and imh! and if all goes well and my awesome plans aren't ruined, and my bakery turns out a success, and fy and laoshee comes back on thurs, i can give them to eat heheheheh so eggcited :D provided fang comes back, my food's a success, we have sectionals not torturals on thursday :D night nightz!!
