Sunday, July 29, 2012 | 7/29/2012 02:29:00 AM | 2 comments
最怕空氣突然安靜 最怕朋友突然的關心最怕回憶 突然翻滾 絞痛著不平息
最怕突然 聽到你的消息
想念如果會有聲音 不願那是悲傷的哭泣
事到如今 終於讓自己屬於我自己 只 剩眼淚 還騙不過自己
突然好想你 你會在哪裡 過得快樂或委屈
突然好想你 突然鋒利的回憶 突然模糊的眼睛
我們像一首最美麗的歌曲 變成兩部悲傷的電影
為什麼你 帶我走過最難忘的旅行 然後留下 最痛的紀念品
我們 那麼甜那麼美那麼相信 那麼瘋那麼熱烈的曾經
為何我們還是要奔向各自的幸福和遺憾中老去
最怕空氣突然安靜 最怕朋友突然的關心
最怕回憶 突然翻滾絞痛著不平息 最怕突然 聽到你的消息
最怕此生 已經決心自己過沒有你 卻又突然 聽到你的消息
-突然好像你；五曰天
hehe blogging at this hour.
wanted to start when i was all teared up and ready to bawl just now hahahahaha
then i decided to let myself calm down and come here again after finishing my 4 sets of history notes. (good for my image, image of the blog and image of the readers idk how many there really are.)
today is one of the days where idk whether whatever i type will turn out happy or sad, so just a warning first! if you're not really in the mood for some sad soppy stuff you can come back another day (:
its been a while since i blogged! (i hope. i think) cus i really felt that i was wasting too much time heh and irdk if anyone bothers reading too, just that it used to make my feel better. and suddenly i felt that it might not necessarily make me feel better always.
anyways, felt just....overwhelmed today and so decided to come and blog ba.
see if it helps?
still feeling :/ but at least not as emotional as just now.
idk whether thats a good or bad thing.
and now i have nothing much to write anymore cus just now i had too many emotions surging up at the same time but now everything's kinda calm and cool hahahah~ /displaying ultimate zenness/
hmm. idk what to talk about.
should i just dive right in into my emotions, or start from where i stopped like from my competition last week?
hahaha this is stupid expecting a blank screen to reply me.
okay maybe i wont talk about last friday and sat, later i become the next teenager who need to go apologize to some big shot for criticism.
lets talk about recently.
on saturday, i went to hazel's bday party- and unexpected outcome.
although i was like the only one i knew there besides hong sungjin, i ended up having a lot of fun. (:
and somehow after that i became closer with this friend who i drifted quite far apart again.
and cjj too hehe x)
it felt nice to catch up and everything (though i think i was mostly coughgossipingcough about others.)
and on thursday after the musical rehearsals, went to their house to stay over hehe xP
felt quite touched esp like how cjj helped me dry my hair so late at night hehe, idk when the last time my own mother did that for me. but i shant compare la haha.
and also quite touched by how my dear friend attempted to stay up to talk to me and asked about elections on friday although she was super tired and ended up falling asleep haha xP
its been a while since i can talk to someone so freely without having to consider every single word whether will offend others, or will have consequence if some knowledge fall in wrong hands.
cus hazel is really just so simple and trustable hehe!
friday were elections, and i was in a horrible mood since the start of the day.
idek why. like after reaching school i just suddenly felt like going home. or leaving.
IM1 was quite okay, i think, at least above average in my class.
ih totally sucked, from A1 in BT1 dropped to a idew say. urgh. idek how its possible to get such a grade for ih.
and rachael sim was complaining away about how she was 1m away from an A1.
and the other one next to me hasnt been one that ive liked much, or at all.
she pissed me off when i just looked in her direction during math some other day recently and she, having found out my math standard, went "thanks for copying." btch, i wasn't even writing.
anyways, distanceee. =.= i totally wanted to ask to change seats can. our beloved form teacher want to put different strengths people together so we can help one another, i think i sit beside this one i will end up deproving even more cus she ruins my mood so much sometimes i just think about nasty things the entire lesson rather than concentrate.
okay shall stop ranting. im such an unpleasant person.
during recess i just kept shut cus ss was abit. idk. recently find her super.........
shant say here lol.
after recess had to dissect pig heart.
tears seriously welled up in my eyes when cyy went to cut the heart.
lucky never spill out.
i think it was more of fear and nervousness rather than like sadness so yeah i was fine.
just that the entire lesson i was rather stoned and emotionlessly massaging the pig heart while brave warriors like koh hui xin dissected the entire heart into...gross stuff.
went back to class, still had to write zuowen. and then horrible migraine came back, yesterday was day2. today's day3. the weather sucks.
see how bad my day was already?
at the same time, i was contemplating whether or not i should just go home after school and escape from everything. but in the end i went, and im glad i did ahaha.
but before we even fell in, my bloody hypocount dropped to 1.3
like seriously, the entire 3 weeks or so idek how many hypos ive had. and then sometimes it just shoots to 20+ without me even doing anything.
cjj reminded me that actually stress and emotions do affect sugar levels.
but i dun think anyone near me even remember haha. at least not my parents.
they forever have other factors to find.
"sleep so little, eat so inconsistent, dun come and complain to me"
haha, i wonder if anyone even thinks im stressed now.
sometimes its really hard, especially this evening, was on the verge of breaking down,
grandparents outside with aunt and cousin and niece,
had to smile smile and go out talk right!
on phone, had to be some fool joker w everyone like im some idiot.
really hate it sometimes, but thats the only way people ever respond to me nowadays.
like i constantly feel that if im not funny, people will just ignore me and i become invisible again.
makes me feel extremely pathetic sometimes, but whatever. sometimes im really just that high and stupid, but at times like just now i just felt like dying.
and some people weren't exactly helpful either.
like after dinner i came back and said i was hypo cus of dinner, one senior told me to take care with "-.-"s, maybe im being too sensitive. and i really love her a lot she and fang are like the best seniors from 11 (that still even bother to keep in touch with me rn) but it just made me feel like shit.
and then i had to go and apologize to a certain group of friends for having been overstupid.
at that point? idek whether i was crying alr or not.
glad to have got over the night. alone. or with God.
this doesnt feel right. it feels more like a ranting session.
but please pity and excuse me, i have no one to tell all these too haha.
sometimes i wonder why my character is like that too.
4th time this year someone asked me "why so many hidden messages, referring to me?"
/all similar qtns/
i wonder why i am unable to have or keep close friends really close. i wonder why i must be the kind that have many friends but not close to any. haha. i wonder why i must be the kind that unintentionally send out so many hidden messages that no one even know what im saying, so no one even trusts me, much less say i can trust them.
thats why when im down, i really dk who to turn to. i can turn to God. but faith, at times of disappointment, is really hard to keep strong sometimes.
i wanted a hug really really badly just now. even a virtual one would feel good.
guess what- i didnt even know who to ask from.
cus im really just not close to anyone. haha.
nvm lets just go back to writing a diary entry and i talk about how my day yesterday was.
so yesterday ashley chua dumped skittles into my mouth before we went in.
and mr lim came to me and said,
"are you interested in running for student conductor?"
me: yeah.
"okay. cus im thinking of trying you out too, but just to tell you first, my ideal candidate is mangirl (as awu calls her). cus she's in hmp, and i have to train these people for higher thinking skills blablablablablbalblba"
(thinking, okay so??)
"and this year im thinking of getting 2 student conductors, but the comm suggested one brass one woodwind. but i will still try you out"
me: its okay if you already have your choices then i wont run.......
"nono now its not about who is going to get it, its how many student conductors should i get."
(thinking, isnt it bloody about who's gonna get it- your beloved hmp-er? and what has how many student conductors got to do with me -.-)
"okay"
"so just checking with you, will you be upset if i dont pick you in the end?"
"nonononono im fine. okay i think the seniors are calling us."
-end of convo-
told my sis about it this morning and guess what she said- "why are you so stupid cant see people making use of you?"
such encouraging comments from an older sister huh.
but i really dont see it. and not gonna take any of her rubbish. i just feel that, why you so funny ask me whether im interested and tell me you gonna try me out, but then tell me all these rubbish again? anyway idrc about this so its fine. yeah.
and so i went in feeling absolutely absurd and then we got called into this cramped holding room where i just kept quiet while some of the 12 started telling jokes and stuff.
guess what, i was the first to get called. "according to alphabetical order"
thankfully siewrong was the one who called me.
from how our convo started last sunday super awkwardly, to how when i replied her 'sflr i was in church too' and she got really excited, i think we kinda got bonded through our religion. she gave me 2 minutes to pray and breathe before entering the room.
and she told me she prayed for me too, immediately giving me a sense of peace and reassurance.
my interview was well. funny.
shant go through all the small details and get to the point.
i got in, and got the role i wanted.
initially i was pondering over dm and at first before results announced, wondering if i never get dm, how i would feel.
then it became fear and expectations of "what if i dont even get in."
and so i thought of all the good things like, can concentrate on my bloody horrible results.
no stress for syf. or not so much.
and cjj also told me before, once in jc, no matter how big shot you are, you have to start crawling from 0.
tis the results that matter the most now.
so okay i was prepared not to get in and everything.
and thinking of how i would quit band with sungjin if she was even serious that she was going to if the comm turned out horrible.
and then i did.
i think God worked in really miraculous ways.
cus honestly, during this segment where 12 of us had to be questioned in front of the band, i felt completely gone already, like my answers were completely different from e other 11. and they were already strong to start with.
eg. "what would you work on for syf say you were sl?"
11: "basic techniques, ask them come back prac more, blablablala."
guess what kind of stupid answer i gave: my laoshi said our technical skills are there so i think its more of enjoying what we do and i will go find nicer pieces for us to play (including double basses as my section when we are like 2 diff sections wth was i doing) or i can write out pieces.
see. and its not just this question but every single question. so damn embarrassing.
but yeah i did in the end.
oh and fang came back. honestly i was really touched.
until i found out today that awu had other feelings which i didnt realise and i felt guilty and horrible.
idk why our section became like that too, but now all i want is that everything can be peaceful.
i was so happy yesterday i hugged awu super tightly hahaha almost cried smmore during results, cus fang had to leave already.
recently i like how we really became closer and talk about many things, but also im reminded of how she's leaving in 1 month.
idk what im going to do without her. like her craziness and funniness and at times ridiculousness which gets me irritated but in the end i still wont want any other senior other than her.
on one hand, although im so scared and dreading of 1 month later, i think it'd be liberation for her, and sth that she's really looking forward to, so instead of being selfish with my own feelings, i should be happy for her i guess. i hope i can/i will try not to cry on passing down and be happy for her instead.
/forever drifting away from my main point/
today's band was quite good. although failed.
bought kanghui's cake on behalf of comm13 and was late for lunch w erin and maria (band maria- nothing you can beat huh) so ended up maria went to pack macs and we ate in sch. but at the bus stop i met the birthday girl and she even asked me "why did you buy a cake!" and i stupidly stuttered "er er its not a cake" and walked away quickly. =.=
then i realised i forgot to bring lighter /ultimate fail/
and lunch was super funny my stomach hurt too much from too much air rather than food.
and mr akiyama came! and we played october hahaha i really love that piece.
anyways, he went to work on brasses, then euphos and trombones. and a particular person stuffed her instrument right in his face cus she looked like she was extremely desperate for him to touch it. but anyways.
then he went to the front and wanted to ask us like the baseline to play some thing.
and then he suddenly came over to bassoons section and worked with us for 5-10mins, making us play reed, then bell, then instru. he played both our reeds smmore hahahah he was trying to demonstrate some super good embouchure that we didnt have but he ended up sounding like an eagle or sth cus apparently our reeds were too soft and i couldnt stop laughing.
then he went to work on oboes AND THEN the clarinet sl got jealous and complained to mr lim and mr lim told him and he ended up using 1 hour more working on flutes first, then clarinets then saxes.
i would say he was a miracle performer if i didnt know god existed.
the quality of brasses changed so much,
and me and jiayi sounded like totally one person playing, one pitch.
can imagine? can then good for you, if not TOO BAD.
OH AND THEN LET ME COMPLAIN AGAIN HORRIBLY ABOUT THIS STUPID CHICKEN.
so damn irritating, out of the whole band. their section was the most embarrassing can, so glad it wasnt my section. i mean it isnt exactly anyone's fault but their section made the most mistakes and the sec1s couldn't even make the basic-est Bb pitch while every other section at least one person could. but anw i started laughing not cus of how the juniors all sounded like Her (a chicken), but cus there was this suuuuuper suuuper cute sec1 whose eyes just widened when she played and her cheeks puffed up like some chipmunk and i just couldnt stand it CUTE MAX CAN. (and when i was omw home i told her that downstairs and showed her a pic of a chipmunk w her instru and told her she looked like that and my batchmates started saying i scared her)
but that wasnt what pissed me off yknow.
it was the fact that the entire section under the lead of the stupid chicken went to snatch so much attention during phototaking, chopping that entire row behind the legend and smmore i think went to take pic w him seperately but whatever i was pissed i just went in and didnt care anymore. while the other sections just stood at the side. okay wait, so basically the chicken's and duck's sections all went to stand on top and 抢镜头. not that i am jealous or anything. but i seriously felt a bit embarrassed for them. like really chicken, after what your section just did you still managed to do that? /respect/ duck i got nothing to say but wtv.
i feel like im a horrible btch rn doing this at 2am wts okay fine im just gonna say wtv i want and if anyone wants to judge me please just make life easier for yourself and for me, scroll your cursor to the top right, see a red cross and press that, thanks.
thats what ruined my mood.
urgh.
but anw after that we went to take comm 12-13 pic.
and we realized kang hui was rushing off for tuition.
and i kinda freaked out cus i bought the cake and so i guess i felt more involved?
after a while i felt like i was doing too much for my role and tried to stop being stupid.
anw we managed to cut her cake and she grabbed a piece before rushing off,
and we shared the cake w comm12 lol.
then the duck went "did you guys feel after knowing results ytd, that like 'omg we're all in the same boat'?"
and sorry for her i was beside her and i bluntly blurted out a NO just for the sake of rebutting her.
and there was like 5secs of awkward silence before erinsiah saved me with a "we're on the same aeroplane" (intentional or not) and i laughed and she just went =.= /usual duck look/
i've come a full circle from where i started. with reaching home feeling tired, overwhelmed and sad.
and now i think im more of sadistic and btchy.
what am i becoming.sigh.
idk too.
but its 2am.
haha.
i should go and sleep.
my migraine still exists.
so i shall say sorry for being such a horribly mean person here rn.
and that i really want a dog, after all my loser-loner-pathetic rants.
and also have fun reading this not very short post over like 1 week.
-if i can stay away for that long again-
super tired.
of everything.
really wish someone knew me like now.
and would just give me a hug.
haha. okay maybe not.
ive become a more 保守 person this year.
really haha.
i shall just wish to become happy soon.
and stop feeling down after i wake up.
and stop trying to try to be some idiotic joker anymore when im bleeding profusely inside.
like now.
cus i just end up looking really ugly and ruined.
but no, idk how to open up that side anymore and release those emotions so directly alr.
