Tuesday, May 8, 2012 | 5/08/2012 12:48:00 AM | 2 comments
feeling troubled about the fact that our concert is in 3 days,yet i dun feel any passion at all.
or like ive ever reached any peak.
idk what has become our standard of "good"
if it was the past, would our standard now still be good?
or does a change of conductor mean our standards can slide like no one's business and it doesnt matter.
i miss ms chong.
miss mj. miss fy.
miss the past. (esp in junior band being scared of ms chong cus we didnt know her, having 10-15 min breaks from mr goh and many of us going down to buy snacks from popular to snack on.)
maybe this concert doesnt seem big enough.
maybe it's all been too rushed and stuff and i didnt put in much to play the quality i get now.
maybe i'd been too occupied with concordia instead.
idk.
when i saw that ridiculous duck counting down on the group page
i was thinking why she's so extra, even minutes also must count.
not like counting down every minute or second will change anything,
its just wasting your time and energy.
but then i see my batchmates counting down on twitter too.
and then i conclude,
i think i may never be able to be a member in my cca who can make a change. not necessarily a leader, but just someone who can show a different view and change some of the most ridiculous things ever.
but thats now, after everything.
from sec1, the hope that i could one day become a comm member and live up to my seniors like mj and rachel who lead so well,
to the beginning of sec2, when i was really down about the sec4s leaving to the peak of syf in march-april where everyone was working hard tgt and i thought i'd just be unable to do anything for my cca cus i kept falling sick.
to the beginning of sec3, when i was so upset about everything in cca and wished someone could do something to change all the shit that happened and all the rubbish being spouted and the comm being so asdfghjkl.
to now.
i dun even feel any peak for anything.
i guess, i've accepted that i probably can't care too much anymore, because the more i care, the more i get hurt.
thats what the beginning of the year taught me, when i was so upset with everything that i almost went crazy.
maybe, maybe this cca just isn't suited for me.
im not someone who likes to follow orders. and even more not ridiculous ones.
i admit, some are necessary.
but there are others, which are really things that i cant comply with.
eg the choir practice.
they were teaching us to sing with 3 fingers in our mouths.
being the daughter of a choir conductor, and a children's choir conductor/pianist myself,
doesnt. make. sense.
i was just pissed off.
and annoyed.
maybe, im just not suited for my cca.
im not one that likes to have a whole set of rules that i must abide by.
that must follow strict regime.
im just..not that kind of person.
and it really kills me inside sometimes, this cca.
maybe like some of my friends said, i've been caring too much.
i cared too much about it.
now, i dun even know what to feel anymore.
i feel sad, because i dun have any passion.
i wish, i could develop passion and excitement right now.
but like mj told me before, passion cannot be developed immediately.
you cant just say, oh, have passion, and with a snap of fingers you get passion.
she taught me, to learn to love my instrument.
from concordia, i loved my bassoon so much. so so much. the passion i had for my instru was indescribable. perhaps its cus, for concordia, i really felt the importance of my instru. and what a piece would become without a bassoon.
now that concordia's over, its because of my instru that i still enjoy certain songs where we get to play more parts in in my cca.
but for the rest, i just feel like my instru is so redundant, so extra, and i even drift off to why must i play this instru.
even though i drift off, but i will always remember what mj told me, because our instrus are similar.
she said, although we dun have many important parts, but our parts are always, or most of the times there. we are not like the rest, who show off a bit and rest the whole piece. although our parts are boring, we are still important in a way.
i guess,
this is the only motivation for me to work hard the next 3 days for friday now.
her words, and everything she's done for me.
its always for the seniors. and now ms chong.
in sec1 and sec2, i wanted to play well, to do well, all for the seniors, esp e sec4s'10,
and now in sec3, i want to do my seniors proud again, and this year, for ms chong too.
in a weird way, although i interacted more (in a way) with the sec4 seniors last year compared with 2010 when i didnt really interact w many except mj,
its those sec4'10 seniors that are the ones who say hi, who smile, who wave, who talk to me and interact with me now, rather than those from last year.
and for those in this year,
the only ones i actually accept are, my own senior, yutzu, laorenjia, wanlin, emily, vivian, jacqueline, and thats about it.
the rest.. its just one reason, idk what they're doing.
and for seniors like vivian who i admire a lot,
she even let me touch her instru last week, and it's very nice to sit beside her because she's smiley and nice.
and not like her own batch-sectionmate who does nothing but scolds and reprimands her own section including her batchmates and scolds the entire band like she's hitler.
(sorry. no offence)
i guess this will be the only post i ever blog about my cca.
many bottled up feelings for long long time.
especially today.
Sigh.
regardless of what, i will just put in my best effort for this friday ba.
for my bassoon, my section, for fy and mj, for ms chong.
and next year, with my popularity and passion level being like 0% right now, i dun think i will ever have the chance to step up as a leader of my cca.
but no matter what, i will just hang in this cca and play for the last year i can.
all for my instru and my instru only.
that's what my cca is all about now.
I admit, my instru isn't anything special or great or have anything to show off.
but its priceless to me. and nothing, will ever replace my instru in my heart. besides piano, of course.
no matter how cool horn, saxophone, flute ever is or ever was to me, i wont ever, ever think about playing them over my own instru.
and this year, definitely Not the t.s because they're just not good anymore and the duck is like. =.=
there's nothing worth envying about them anymore. im just like. no comments. okay.
bye its late im off to sleep.
Feeling better after ranting.
Sometimes, I wonder why people read this place.
Checking my stats, there are about 40 reads every week excluding random bloggers and overseas reads.
Which makes me wonder, who actually reads? Do people actually read cus they really care about me, as a person with feelings, or just for entertainment, for curiosity?
Idk.. And this leads me to think that maybe I should, idk make my blog private. Or sth. Then I'll really get to see who cares, and ppl who want to leave me private tags and are unwilling to do so cus my blog's public (esp you even now after I plead w you so long ):|) will not have anymore excuse alr.
I'll think about it another day.
And I miscounted because my math fail and I counted in one of the drafts so this is e 299th post.
Bye.
