Friday, February 3, 2012 | 2/03/2012 12:03:00 AM | 0 comments
Life is really amazing...Just yesterday I felt like dying,
Yet today suddenly someone called herself my "bear".
The same term. With two vast different meanings.
One that I truly care(d) about... one that is just for fun.
I feel guilty although I dun feel i was e worst at the quarrel.
I feel guilty for being hateful.
I feel guilty cus while talkin w someone about some other stuff just now, we touched on the topic "many a times, people get angry but they're just hurt inside." and I felt guilty cus I realized the anger might have came from intense hurt.
I understand it cus it happens to me alot.. The angry but hurt part.
I think, to have gotten such a reaction, I deserved it.
I was e one who hurt the other from the start...
But at that moment, while I was so filled with anger and hate, all I could think of was revenge and retaliation.
Anywayzz. everyth's over.
I really think nothing can be fixed anymore.
I really tried ytd. And when I said sorry although it wasnt drafted by me, i meant it. I truly did. I wanted to delete e post, yet I got too caught up trying to find suitable replies that I forgot. But what's e point now, idk also. I just need to ranttttt. Sorry.
It's too late. For me at least.
Those words fully replaced even the last nice thing ever said. The cruelty crushed my last hope.
I started the convo after 2 days of persuasion with an optimistic and positive attitude but things were just awkward. And they got worse.
The newly found hope that was built in me after all the talk about trying to find back the friendship just crushed itself into pieces.
I said I hated you.
But I didn't say I didn't care about you.
I didn't say I wasn't worried about you anymore.
That was what I wanted to say ytd.
Before all e mean things appeared.
It's too late now. The care that I have is gonna be burried.
Ytd night, I missed the person I haven't thought about in 3 months. Bbear.
When I had the attack, I was being angry w him. Yet I missed bbr e most. memories of bbr got crushed together with the person that I really dislike now. Idk whether I cried myself to sleep, or I just passed out after e attack till e next time I woke up... Or idk. But whatever happened, I'm glad I went to sleep..because even with the hurt and anger I felt, I had this "I want bbr and I want to hug bbr now" thought which must have been crazy of me. It's like wanting to hug a cactus after it pricked you till you started bleeding. Xiao? Ikr.
Today I'm more calmed down.
Although I'm still angry with him, what's done cannot be undone.
I must move forward and push myself on again. My health these few days have been really lousy, hypo since tues after band that keeps going up a little past the hypo borderline, then plunging down again after a while. That weak and lethargic feeling for two days+ has almost killed me. Consequences= throwing up this morn and falling down/banging against stuff at least 5 times. I shall focus on work first and get my studies on track..next focus on making my health better. shan't think about things that will make me upset..?
But I really dun understand... I told hsj that i'd never ever have hurt this person cus I've never been important enough to make this huge an impact. But then I realized I could have hurt this person too.. right? So idk what I'm supposed to feel. Then me and everyone else in this world (I bet) is convinced by the person's words&actions that e person dun care. Yet he asked me just now- "if she doesn't care, why did she read your blog?"
My intuitive answer = bored and nothing better to do luh.
But I also dk. I dun have an answer for the question "do you think she cares?". Not for myself.
Idk why I write smuch also. I just wanted to write about the irony of lim yijie as a bear today. Ended up ranting about incohesive rubbish. Ahhhhhh. I told hsj I am not and will not be bothered. must stop thinking.
Okay la before I end off (getting sleepy alr) I shall write sth to e person:
If you still bother to come and ever see this...hi. (Does this mean you still care?) I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I said especially the vulgarities. But, this doesn't mean I wasn't hurt. I was broken down completely, and couldn't even control myself in the end. It takes two hands to clap. So I know I'm at fault too. I'm sorry for hating you. Imy and igmy more. This doesnt change anyth now- not the fact that world war X happened last night- but I just wanna say again, sorry if I hurt you. Sorry. And also, I hope you wun drag in anymore ppl into what is both our business anymore.. It's not nice to make people get involved and caught in e middle in e end. And lastly, even if you're really reading this for fun and you dun care and you see all these, please dun go and make joke or laugh anymore. Let's be civilized and respect each other. Those are really my feelings. Deep feelings. Thanks.
