Monday, January 9, 2012 | 1/09/2012 12:29:00 AM | 0 comments
I'm confused..You know that feeling when someone makes you feel like they care again and you really wanna accept them back into your lives..?
Then suddenly that feeling's gone...
The feeling that they care again.
And you're just left hanging there wondering whether everyth that happened actually happened.
Sometimes things just feel so surreal when you lose hope of them becoming real.
I guess that's what becomed of me.
Idk what to expect of anyone anymore.
When people make me upset I just shoot at them without considering their feelings.
Now looking back, idk where the tolerance I had from even last year flew to already.
Last year when people made me upset, esp in e first half of e year, i really beared w them and just waited until matters passed or only exploded when they fully reached my limit.
This year I seem to have lost total patience and everything.
I need to think through things cus idk what I want...
Idk whether I wanna just let go of my past or welcome it back, and have the risk of everything falling apart again..
Idw history to repeat itself.
I'm really scared.
Scared and unsecured.
And as much as I tell myself I can't act like that or even care so much.
I just can't follow myself.
I can't help feeling really so unsecured by everyone and everything.
I even feel that a few hours ago the first sentence my dad said to me in 2 weeks wasnt real.
I can't help feeling that getting my scholarship was a dream
I can't help feeling that suddenly I seem to have more friends and company.
Well that last feeling seems really delusional.
Cus now i feel really alone.
I wish someone was there to comfort and advice me but I know I've had enough of these these few days.
I can't always expect someone to be there for me.
Yet when no one is I feel scared and paranoid and everyth again.
See? I dun even get what I'm typing now.
I guess I'm really so confused idk what I'm thinking feeling doing or how I'm reacting.
I feel tired.
And I guess I just feel tired all the time, whether it's the first week of school or last week of school, whether it's the school term or the holidays.
I just feel weary all the time.
What's wrong w me.. Idk..
Idk since when I became so scared of everything
And I hate how I have to keep forcing myself to not care
Idk how many times a day I've been telling myself LWH DUN CARE. CANNOT CARE.
Idk when I became so paranoid
Idk who I am..
I only know I'm not a nice person anymore.
Sometimes I feel glad cus I'm nt as idiotic as before, then other times I feel really sad at how I became someone so mean and bitchy.
I'm a bitch myself how can I criticize others too?
Idk.
It's just mixed emotions everywhere.
I really wish i could feel the care from certain people more though.
So at least I can be sure of who my friends are..
And not feeling delusional, surreal, unsecured and scared.
These aren't pleasant emotions...
Idw to feel like that anymore- Not knowing what I want about everything else.
I just can't wait for 30/01 to come nearer
Cus then I can start asking and hoping for the things I really need right now.
But I know I can't be too excited and anxious, cus it's only one day in the year and once it's over I have to wait another 365 days again so Idw it to come so soon.
Look at me write. All these rubbish i dun even understand.
sigh I gotta stop starting to feel worser and worser
