So the interview is finally over
And so has 3 weeks of hols.
Initially was dying of boredom
Now idk..
Life now feels really lousyish for me
And sad.
Have many probs everywhere
Mainly ship problems
I'm really a failure. Cant do anything well esp at ships.
But dk who to tell to.
Have been keeping most of the things to myself.
During sleepover last week managed to tell abit things to katherine. Really thankful for her that she listens to me.
There's Phoebe too. She really helped me alotalot esp w e interview
Sometimes Pam.
But I realized after camp that Pam is still not as close as she looked like she'd be.
So yeah many many ppl helped me w my interview prep..
Esp Phoebe and Joseph besides my parents, all of them tried to help me build confidence and talk properly.
Really thankful to them.
And other friends who cared knew bout interview and wished me luck.
The other 'friends' probably didn't really care or realize I guess.
So. It's over. Everything I worked for fr 5years is complete, now can only wait for results.
In a way, getting past the interview really brought down a big burden of mine. Yet without that to keep me occupied all I think about are my leftover probs and those make me really confused, lost and frustrated.
I wish there was a menu or instruction sheet on what we had to do for life.
Recently it really showed how true my friends are. I look fine and everything, but this is yet one of another low points in my life.
And I find myself getting upset and disappointed everyday as I find how more and more people suddenly aren't what I thought they were anymore.
I get angry, but someone reminded me to let it out if I'm hurt and not cover up w anger.
I guess there are still people out there who know and understand me.
And those people now all are people who I'm usually not as close to, yet they are the ones there for me at the end of the day, makin me even more disappointed with those who said they'll always be there and are closer to me.
How long has it been since someone kept a promise to me... A few months.
Promise are meant to be kept. But even my family, they break promises.
But for me, a principle in my life is must mean what I say and keep my promises.
What are words if you don't mean them when you say them?
What can you expect of others when others can't even expect you to keep your words?
Idk.
Just feeling really lost.. I've drifted really far from God this year.
Didn't really do much devotions, and only prayed when I needed him at important times. Now idk how to turn back...
Everybody says as long as we turn back, God welcomes us with open arms and forgives us.
But I think I've sinned so much that idk how to face him.. I find myself running away.
Why am I saying all these anyway..
Idk. I just find I'm feeling so bottled and it's really filling up so much that I might explode or go crazy if I don't let things out. And here.. Here's the best place for me, cus no one reads this place nor comes here, no one cares.
I know a few people care and I am thankful to them. But besides them I really feel sad because e closest friends I thought I had all stopped caring. They left, they changed their attitudes, they started betraying me and doing all sorts of funny things to me.
Watched a movie today, ice princess
There's a quote in it that says, "for others to care about you, you have to care about yourself."
Care for myself.
No one cares. And I've felt this way for so so so long. Last time, three closest people I had made me feel like they cared. Yet all these have changed now. It feels like years since someone close really cared for me and stayed close to me for so long..
yet when it's reality check I find out it's only been a few months.
Worse still, those who cared betrayed me one by one.
The kind of betrayal?
Spreading secrets. Spreading and bitching about me behind my back. Sabotaging other ships of mine like mine with the person's best friend because the ship of mine w that person had already sunk. With this kind of experience tell me,
How am I suppose to turn to outsiders or normal friends when the closest friends I have that literally talk to me all the time, some for years some for months, and stayed so close to me do these kind of things to me?
How am I supposed to trust anyone or even think that anyone care.
How am I suppose to 'care for myself'?
Already given up trying to get close to anyone. Or trying to let anyone come near.
If they want to come near me I will move back.
Idw to go through everything again. Id rather face everything alone now.
People keep telling me, "Adel dun make fainting a habit, take care of yourself."
Make fainting a Habit? Do I look like I enjoy it a lot?
No one understands man. No one understands how it feels when you suddenly see spots or the world suddenly starts spinning when yre already so scared of dying from young. And then you feel so lost, helpless and scared.
People tell me not to make fainting a habit.
Do yall tell me to take care cus yall dw the burden of having to care about whether im alive or not?
What do you guys care? What does anyone care even.
Take care of myself?
I try to care for myself and move on so I wun faint or just ignore the small pain sometimes so it won't amplify and make me feel worse. Then i get scolded for being stubborn..I really dunno how to accept hard love. I dun understand how people who care can scold me. I only feel even more that they dun care. Nobody cares about me. Why should I?
I'm not going out of the way to harm myself now, but neither am I gonna bother takin care of myself and stop candies stay within diet all that rubbish shit either. or tell anyone and stop when I'm not well too.
That day I was giddy the entire nightwalk and I didn't tell anyone until I pulled my godbro down while collapsing, only to have him hand me over and walk away after helping me to a bench.
"Tell anyone before you faint."
For what?
Do they care?
Why should I?
I've forgotten how to care for myself.
I'm a sensitive person. I'll know when you care or not. I won't say you don't care when I can feel the slightest care from you.
Yes, people have really taken care and cared for me well.
But in the end?
Some turned out to be completely plastic care where they can text you saying "I love you dear" or chat w you happily every few mins then go behind your back telling others all the bad things about you like "she's such a weird person and scares me and sends chills down my spine" before adding in a "but if you understand her she isn't That bad."
Or they come telling you "I love you" and one two months later they hurt you and torture you everyday with their words that just pierce.
For someone who pricks and pierces myself 3+4 times a day for 6 years, those jabs and pricks dun hurt but the pierces do.
Or they leave you in the lurch when you need them the most.
I know nobody reads here so I can vent.
I feel so pathetic. Worse than pathetic. I can't even find terms to describe.
I feel like I sound so despo.
I feel really horrid for scolding people all the bad things.
So I deserve it when ppl leave me or stop caring cus of karma.
Things really suck so badly now.
I wish all my problems just went away.
Sometimes I feel like my stomach is so fat and filled and full with all my emotions and tears.
Thats probably why I dun really have appetite these days.
See how screwed my life is?
Yeah, I'm smiling. My life looks alright from the outside.
But I feel already so dead and heavy inside, from everything.
It's the holidays, yet I feel even more tired than during school days..
I dun like cca now.
I dun enjoy going to church too.
Idk how to and dun like to see the seniors..
Idk how to face them anymore after finding out all those things.
I dun like the new conductor. Really not used to it and end up finding I wasted a few hrs of my time with my instru doing nth but make a few sounds.
On top of the fact that I actually miss exactly one year ago when the seniors were still here and I still didn't know them so well and didn't know cruel things and I was happy and really enjoyed playing with them. It was stressful but I had the pillars of support.
It's so much better than now, when I feel like we have such a weak support and such a heavy junior load to carry that our supports might collapse.
Idk how to enjoy church with all these happening.
Really hope I can leave.
To another church, another country, another state.
Doesn't have to be for long or for permanent.
Maybe a month or two would be good, thatd happen if I can get the scholarship.
Or a year if we can just go to the states and live there peacefully and quietly.
Most of all, I think I need someone who can teach me how to care for myself again.
To not leave me alone like everyone else has. To stay by me, really accompany and understand me.
To not leave a while after when you get bored with me. Not betray me or let all the care you had for me become fake in my eyes because of your actions afterwards.
Yet now i can't bring myself to let another person come this close. Not even one..
That's the conflict and continuous cycle. I need this someone and yet Im not ready to bring anyone else closer. If I cant let anyone come closer how can I want someone to care?
I'm so confused now idek what I'm rubbishing.
Who can I blame other than myself.
Everything's my fault.
Really miss the past where at least I felt they cared. Although those caring were mostly fake they at least were by my side. At least I had a while of happiness and living in a fairytale.
I miss those people. The old them.. Not the new ones who I found out did so many things to me without me realizing.
I feel like a damn fool.
Always thinking I know things and can read people, yet I'm always the idiotic one fooled like that again and again by pretenses.
I feel so dumb for subconsciously not realizing this world has pretenses.
I need....idk.
I need true close friends who really care and will stop leaving me.
I need some peace and tranquility.
I need some space for my heart and mind.
I need to be more appreciative of the good friends who aren't as close but are here.
Everything's been to cluttered and messed up.
Idk how to clean up this mess.
I really dk.
Older Post | Newer Post

MiL EniledA.
an average 14-year old;
Wishes come true on 30 Jan;
Taonannite 2006-2009, BiCEPer 2007-2009, NYgirl 2010-2011;
adeline30197@hotmail.com.

Wants.
God. True Friends. Family. Love. Care. Health. Happiness. Simplicity. Peace. Everything to be okay.

Her Thoughts | Her Words | Friends | Friends | Friends

So the interview is finally over
And so has 3 weeks of hols.
Initially was dying of boredom
Now idk..
Life now feels really lousyish for me
And sad.
Have many probs everywhere
Mainly ship problems
I'm really a failure. Cant do anything well esp at ships.
But dk who to tell to.
Have been keeping most of the things to myself.
During sleepover last week managed to tell abit things to katherine. Really thankful for her that she listens to me.
There's Phoebe too. She really helped me alotalot esp w e interview
Sometimes Pam.
But I realized after camp that Pam is still not as close as she looked like she'd be.
So yeah many many ppl helped me w my interview prep..
Esp Phoebe and Joseph besides my parents, all of them tried to help me build confidence and talk properly.
Really thankful to them.
And other friends who cared knew bout interview and wished me luck.
The other 'friends' probably didn't really care or realize I guess.
So. It's over. Everything I worked for fr 5years is complete, now can only wait for results.
In a way, getting past the interview really brought down a big burden of mine. Yet without that to keep me occupied all I think about are my leftover probs and those make me really confused, lost and frustrated.
I wish there was a menu or instruction sheet on what we had to do for life.
Recently it really showed how true my friends are. I look fine and everything, but this is yet one of another low points in my life.
And I find myself getting upset and disappointed everyday as I find how more and more people suddenly aren't what I thought they were anymore.
I get angry, but someone reminded me to let it out if I'm hurt and not cover up w anger.
I guess there are still people out there who know and understand me.
And those people now all are people who I'm usually not as close to, yet they are the ones there for me at the end of the day, makin me even more disappointed with those who said they'll always be there and are closer to me.
How long has it been since someone kept a promise to me... A few months.
Promise are meant to be kept. But even my family, they break promises.
But for me, a principle in my life is must mean what I say and keep my promises.
What are words if you don't mean them when you say them?
What can you expect of others when others can't even expect you to keep your words?
Idk.
Just feeling really lost.. I've drifted really far from God this year.
Didn't really do much devotions, and only prayed when I needed him at important times. Now idk how to turn back...
Everybody says as long as we turn back, God welcomes us with open arms and forgives us.
But I think I've sinned so much that idk how to face him.. I find myself running away.
Why am I saying all these anyway..
Idk. I just find I'm feeling so bottled and it's really filling up so much that I might explode or go crazy if I don't let things out. And here.. Here's the best place for me, cus no one reads this place nor comes here, no one cares.
I know a few people care and I am thankful to them. But besides them I really feel sad because e closest friends I thought I had all stopped caring. They left, they changed their attitudes, they started betraying me and doing all sorts of funny things to me.
Watched a movie today, ice princess
There's a quote in it that says, "for others to care about you, you have to care about yourself."
Care for myself.
No one cares. And I've felt this way for so so so long. Last time, three closest people I had made me feel like they cared. Yet all these have changed now. It feels like years since someone close really cared for me and stayed close to me for so long..
yet when it's reality check I find out it's only been a few months.
Worse still, those who cared betrayed me one by one.
The kind of betrayal?
Spreading secrets. Spreading and bitching about me behind my back. Sabotaging other ships of mine like mine with the person's best friend because the ship of mine w that person had already sunk. With this kind of experience tell me,
How am I suppose to turn to outsiders or normal friends when the closest friends I have that literally talk to me all the time, some for years some for months, and stayed so close to me do these kind of things to me?
How am I supposed to trust anyone or even think that anyone care.
How am I suppose to 'care for myself'?
Already given up trying to get close to anyone. Or trying to let anyone come near.
If they want to come near me I will move back.
Idw to go through everything again. Id rather face everything alone now.
People keep telling me, "Adel dun make fainting a habit, take care of yourself."
Make fainting a Habit? Do I look like I enjoy it a lot?
No one understands man. No one understands how it feels when you suddenly see spots or the world suddenly starts spinning when yre already so scared of dying from young. And then you feel so lost, helpless and scared.
People tell me not to make fainting a habit.
Do yall tell me to take care cus yall dw the burden of having to care about whether im alive or not?
What do you guys care? What does anyone care even.
Take care of myself?
I try to care for myself and move on so I wun faint or just ignore the small pain sometimes so it won't amplify and make me feel worse. Then i get scolded for being stubborn..I really dunno how to accept hard love. I dun understand how people who care can scold me. I only feel even more that they dun care. Nobody cares about me. Why should I?
I'm not going out of the way to harm myself now, but neither am I gonna bother takin care of myself and stop candies stay within diet all that rubbish shit either. or tell anyone and stop when I'm not well too.
That day I was giddy the entire nightwalk and I didn't tell anyone until I pulled my godbro down while collapsing, only to have him hand me over and walk away after helping me to a bench.
"Tell anyone before you faint."
For what?
Do they care?
Why should I?
I've forgotten how to care for myself.
I'm a sensitive person. I'll know when you care or not. I won't say you don't care when I can feel the slightest care from you.
Yes, people have really taken care and cared for me well.
But in the end?
Some turned out to be completely plastic care where they can text you saying "I love you dear" or chat w you happily every few mins then go behind your back telling others all the bad things about you like "she's such a weird person and scares me and sends chills down my spine" before adding in a "but if you understand her she isn't That bad."
Or they come telling you "I love you" and one two months later they hurt you and torture you everyday with their words that just pierce.
For someone who pricks and pierces myself 3+4 times a day for 6 years, those jabs and pricks dun hurt but the pierces do.
Or they leave you in the lurch when you need them the most.
I know nobody reads here so I can vent.
I feel so pathetic. Worse than pathetic. I can't even find terms to describe.
I feel like I sound so despo.
I feel really horrid for scolding people all the bad things.
So I deserve it when ppl leave me or stop caring cus of karma.
Things really suck so badly now.
I wish all my problems just went away.
Sometimes I feel like my stomach is so fat and filled and full with all my emotions and tears.
Thats probably why I dun really have appetite these days.
See how screwed my life is?
Yeah, I'm smiling. My life looks alright from the outside.
But I feel already so dead and heavy inside, from everything.
It's the holidays, yet I feel even more tired than during school days..
I dun like cca now.
I dun enjoy going to church too.
Idk how to and dun like to see the seniors..
Idk how to face them anymore after finding out all those things.
I dun like the new conductor. Really not used to it and end up finding I wasted a few hrs of my time with my instru doing nth but make a few sounds.
On top of the fact that I actually miss exactly one year ago when the seniors were still here and I still didn't know them so well and didn't know cruel things and I was happy and really enjoyed playing with them. It was stressful but I had the pillars of support.
It's so much better than now, when I feel like we have such a weak support and such a heavy junior load to carry that our supports might collapse.
Idk how to enjoy church with all these happening.
Really hope I can leave.
To another church, another country, another state.
Doesn't have to be for long or for permanent.
Maybe a month or two would be good, thatd happen if I can get the scholarship.
Or a year if we can just go to the states and live there peacefully and quietly.
Most of all, I think I need someone who can teach me how to care for myself again.
To not leave me alone like everyone else has. To stay by me, really accompany and understand me.
To not leave a while after when you get bored with me. Not betray me or let all the care you had for me become fake in my eyes because of your actions afterwards.
Yet now i can't bring myself to let another person come this close. Not even one..
That's the conflict and continuous cycle. I need this someone and yet Im not ready to bring anyone else closer. If I cant let anyone come closer how can I want someone to care?
I'm so confused now idek what I'm rubbishing.
Who can I blame other than myself.
Everything's my fault.
Really miss the past where at least I felt they cared. Although those caring were mostly fake they at least were by my side. At least I had a while of happiness and living in a fairytale.
I miss those people. The old them.. Not the new ones who I found out did so many things to me without me realizing.
I feel like a damn fool.
Always thinking I know things and can read people, yet I'm always the idiotic one fooled like that again and again by pretenses.
I feel so dumb for subconsciously not realizing this world has pretenses.
I need....idk.
I need true close friends who really care and will stop leaving me.
I need some peace and tranquility.
I need some space for my heart and mind.
I need to be more appreciative of the good friends who aren't as close but are here.
Everything's been to cluttered and messed up.
Idk how to clean up this mess.
I really dk.
Older Post | Newer Post