Saturday, October 1, 2011 | 10/01/2011 01:22:00 AM | 0 comments
today was a good day although im super fcuking tired rn.done w church admin stuff for dad
feeling numb.
shoulders really hurt and idk what to do.
idw to make ppl worry.
so i tell those that dun care.
and then turn out they really dun.
aiya idk.
i really hate the state of some ships rn.
like the entire wooden ship is rotten or rotting.
but thank god for my 3/4 who thankfully is still intact.
and the entire class atmosphere is so tense rn but im glad we are still fine and unaffected.
my health is like as;dogiEJROINwaeo;gjz;lkfjgaiuehtfjrng.
headaches, shoulder bone aching, eyes hurting randomly, stomach upsets, what nots.
plus my blood glucose readings are like GG too.
idk man.
then revision seems dam screwed.
feel so laggy and slow behind.
scared of doing badly again.
so i really thank those ppl who are here for me now.
those that try to help me keep the ships moving..
and not those that are just waiting for me to push and push the ship to move.
cus im really so dam fcuking tired and i really cant bloody damned be bothered anymore.
whatever happens i can go settle em after eoys.
just give me a break and help me in any way until i get pasts those shitty papers.
my zuowen went on newspaper article..
my true friends were happy for me, even text me and everything.
then those who i told some of their reactions seemed so fake when y ask how it is..
it just made me shout inside "did you even fcuking read it?"
forget it.
i dun care who is fcuking fake anymore.
im just gonna treasure the real friends i have now who i can depend on..
im really tired until i feel so numb about everything.
every single fcuking thing.
e only one that keeps me reminded that i do have feelings is sh.
so bloody frustrated.
need people who are by my side.
not people who leave when i need em or idk what.
and smany ppl always pmsing recently.
i know im one of em.
but its like im really e kind that cnnt stand it if even when youre in a bad mood or you feel shitty or what then you come talk to me like im shitty or im e reason for it.
cus it just really drags me down and my whole day might just be ruined.
like i can empathize when youre not feeling well or yre in a bad mood...
but y dun have to talk to me like im your enemy, OR give me one word replies or idk whatever shit?
okay one word replies WHEN YOU ARE WELL ENOUGH TO DO OTHER STUFF LIKE REPLY OTHER PPL OR BE IN SCHOOL OR WHATEVER.
and not on your death bed.
why am i even writing all these rubbish.
need some ventilation i guess. but its all like random and generalised.
not like im targetting at anyone. although i do have a few in mind but yeah its just not like right at YOU in your face.
really cant breathe. really suffocating.
cant wait for it all to end.
and maybe i'll be able to clear my mind and decide by then which rotten ships are beyond hope and repair.
which rotten ships have to be thrown away.
which feelings have to be thrown away with the ships.
and before i leave,
i just wanna scold myself for being such an idiot and bothering to even care about bloody who mc is.
like e person should just be some complete stranger that just randomly hopped to my blog and decided to entertain me for what, 3 days? i dun bloody know. and i went to respond to the stupid tags thinking that wow i might actually gain a friend or someone who cares.
but whatever, like i said, i really cant be bothered now.
im so exhausted, so drained, so tired, with totally no emptying vessel at all cus i have to keep the smile on my face for people who keep trying to drag my already down mood even downer and remove that smile off my face and make me feel shitty and URGH WHATTHEFCUK FORGET IT.
so i dun have anymore bloody energy to go play stupid guessing games with people who dun even care and love playing mysterious and IDEK WHY THE HECK I WENT TO RESPOND/REPLY/START COMMUNICATING with the person IN THE FIRST PLACE LWH YOU MUST BE THE BIGGEST IDIOT EVER.
YES. EVERYTHING'S MY FAULT.
MY BLOODY FCUKING FAULT.
MY fault that people are in a bad mood.
MY fault that i cant cheer them up.
MY fault that no one can be there to cheer me up
MY fault that the people who i want to care for me DONT care.
MY fault that whatever i do i just end up screwing up.
MY fault for trying to keep a smile there and end up getting removed by ppl who dek or care.
MY fault for letting that idiot kuku keep mixing up feelings within me again and again after ive turned numb again and again and make me feel so shitty when i feel how the real feelings SUCK.
MY fault for MY FAULT.
EVERYTHING'S MY FAULT.
I'VE ADMITTED IT.
CAN I BE LET OFF NOW?
what do i need?
i need friends and people to be beside me.
care for me.
not tear me down.
vent angers on me and accept me to be fine w it.
not dumping all your troubled shit to me.
not start leaving me and being so cold 24/7 idek how to communicate.
not being mysterious and trying to keep distance from me for what idk, face?
idk.
irdk.
idk whats going on.
idk when everything is gonna end.
i just know i want everything to end.
i want everything to be okay.
even better i want things to turn back.
i've given up if anyone can even see.
on many things.
and as each day passes i give up on more and more things.
one day, i'll give up on everything.
and That one day, is the day where i will disappear forever.
