this is me ♔

Saturday, September 10, 2011 | 9/10/2011 02:01:00 AM | 0 comments

its been a while since i blogged w my laptop.

gonna include some pics today prolly.

today was a superb day.

but somehow some mental part of me goes crazy at night.

history was totally mad with wang hanlu and mr mac.

then a whole day nice w bbr.

okay it wasnt e whole day.

one part wasnt nice and just totally xianed cus of someone.

evening-before movie was like super sucky.

movie was superb.

after movie was quite good.

then it all became bad.

decided i needed to come home and reflect today.

realise i've changed a lot recently.

might have been cus of everything going on.

things have been so sucky for me.

and the escape i'm running to?

1. my parents' wallets.

2. hiding from God to avoid facing him after all the bad thoughts ive had about how life went wrong and all the bad words that came out fr my mouth.

3. studying.

4. my health?

my parents wallets. the europe trip. all our expensive meals. knowing that everything is finally getting better...but not that good. i've forgotten about how we had to move here and why. ive forgotten about the lesson i learnt when we were shown this path to take, to move down and learn to be humble. i'm wanting more and more. becoming more and more materialistic. thats not what i wanna become. not again. the spoilt brat i used to be, i dun want that no more. after getting my wallet today...i just felt even emptier somehow. all these are temporary happiness. idk what to do now, dk what my heart desires. nothing lasts, none of e happiness lasts. no matter how much time my friends are taking out to spend w me, im just unsatisfied. everytime a nice day ends, i will want more time, i wont want the time with them to end. and so what if my parents got me a branded wallet? so what if i become a branded kid again going to a branded school? no one will really care about all those shit, i know deep inside that people will look at your characters more. but some part of me just wants those things, idek how to describe. is lwh becoming a monster...an ugly scary monster?

trying to distract myself from all e shit going on in life, i try to concentrate more on studies and buck up and work harder to do better for eoys, even puttin aside piano for such a long time that i have really deproved to what i used to be able to play. but it all turned out to have reversed effects. look at bts2. caught up in all those shit, and ended up almost flunking every sub.

idk, whether studying now with a cluttered mind actually helps.

my mind and heart's just so filled, i dun have an emptying vessel.

and there i go, absorbing everyone else's shit while filling myself with my own shit.

and i feel bad when i cant be there for them to help them.

so i really dun mind sharing my friends' problems. but my own problems are gettin too huge.

so huge idk what to do.

so huge im changing into a horrible person.

a horrible child of God, who have no right to even call myself His child because of all the words i say, actions i do, thoughts i feel.. im not even following Christ's example much less showing it.

a horrible child and person, materialistic and fake, not to mention b-tchy and rude to my parents.

a horrible student who cant do well in her studies, letting all the teachers down and herself down.

idk.

all i know how to do now is to lock up.. a lock which doesnt have a key.

seeing my friends around me with their own troubles, i cant burden them with any of mine.

feeling so full, but like a blackhole everything keeps going in. just that it doesnt disappear into e galaxy, it stays there and builds up, just like a dumpster.

and i've been trying to release emotions on people who piss me off.

scolding them like shit when i should really just have let the matter off and not bothered about those people.

yet idk how to ignore, my tolerance for all these shit just keeps going lower and i end up getting upset over all those, then releasing my temper on those them.

its not good..right?

then my health.

i've stopped caring about my meal controls.

miss meals and heck care. even when im hungry i heck care.

then if i eat sth sweet i just decide to totally not control at all.

any part of my body hurting on my own just suddenly doesnt hurt as bad anymore.

doesnt hurt as bad as what? idk. after awhile everything just gets numb.

like i'm already used to it. it just doesnt hurt that bad after awhile.

why does my life seem so messed up?

i really need to reorganize my mind..

but really dun seem to have e energy or time to do so recently.

need to chase out fake friends who i've been blinded about.