Saturday, December 4, 2010 | 12/04/2010 11:56:00 PM | 0 comments
last few hours and i cant decide anything yet.
whats worse is my mood just got ruined just now
and my leg hurts. cus i hit a vein. again.
and i felt like killing myself this morning.
cus my sms thread w someone of 20+ msgs just got deleted by my really dumb hand.
so i have nth in my phone of the someone now.
urghhhh!
and i will get myself killed one day due to my indecisiveness.
anw.
i'm really going crazy talking here to myself everyday.
well almost everyday.
woke up at 1+ just now. cus i woke up at 9 and then some freak called me and screamed into my ear for 15 mins and ruined my mood, so i went to sleep angrily and spent the morning/afternoon sleeping.
cooked magee for the first time by myself today. the noodles were plain hard.
cus i cooked from the. what you call it. uh. the one u press and the hot water comes out.
hot water dispenser?
yeah that thing. and the water was 75 not 100degrees celcius i found out like a few hours ago only. from daddy.
so my noodles were hard. but yeah. i felt that GREAT SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT thing.
okay this sounds so stupid like i'm trying to convince myself i did a good job when it was obv failed. nvm.
so yeah i was downloading the ace-learning hw and ordering my sec2 books online when some freak called agn and told me how disappointed tht freak felt with me and started with all the sarcasm.
then for dinner we went to airport to meet lim woon kee who's working there part time. yeah to earn money. she works as the gift redemption person, where she stamps others' receipts then they walk into the hut thing and get a nice pretty gift.
met xiao yi and we went for dinner tgt.
i really feel so bad for her.
and i cant stand that pile of poop.
she have to do everything alone. with 3 kids behind her back. oldest, 6.
and the pile of poop can go to Thailand to PLAY GOLF after what that pile of poop did to her.
what the shyt.
i really think i will either get a guy nxt time who is a Christian, or at least has the correct values.
than get some shyt like him.
or i will remain a spinster my entire life and be freaking satisfied with that life of mine without these kind of poops.
i felt like crying just now.really did.
she is a freaking HUMAN with feelings too.
how is it that some people with beating hearts can be so heartless and cruel?
i really dun understand.
then on our way home, some freak told me off agn for something i didnt do.
okay maybe something i did unconsciously.
"other people, going to university overseas, graduate from army, go through so much, so big already, still listen to parents. blablablablablbalbalbala"
yeah i know you love guys so much.
and i know who you're talking about
sigh.
after 3 weeks of worrying, ponding, going crazy,
i still cant make up my mind.
or maybe i have.
at least i got rid of band camp.
so now, its either youth camp or none.
daddy scolded me just now cus i was such a paranoid worryfreak.
and i scolded myself already cus of my indecisiveness which will get me killed someday.
maybe someday i cant decide whether i should cross the road or not and end up getting killed by some vehicle.
i really cant decide.
okay, my analysis:
1. i dun wanna go for band camp cus i would be so left out among my batch. and i dun really have anymore passion. other than fear for punishments etc.
2. i wanna go for youth camp. but i dun wanna go cus of a few reasons. A) i will be so left out over there with no friends at all. B), i wanna forget him, if i go, i wun be able to. C) i dw to see him w someone else. and im quite sure of the above three. so i really dk if i wanna go, and yet i'm only left with a few hours
3. i definitely dun want to rot at
HOW.
what the shyt i'm so pissed now again.
someone just wrote on fb about how her THIGHs HURT and HAVE A FREAKING BIG BRUISE just cause SHE SAT ON A CHAIR FOR TOO LONG.
please, i POKE myself 4 times a day, for 5 years, and i dun think i EVER did complain about BRUISES on fb like that.
some people really dunno how lucky they are.
i just hit a freaking vein just now at dinner cus i was rushing to finish my dinner and help w the kids.
i had BLOOD. did that freak have blood?
i just feel so bad, so discouraged, so I FREAKING DUNNO WHAT! when i see these kind of posts.
although she's a nice person.
and she's someone yoga is close to and likes. as a girl. not a friend. nor a sister.
i feel so so so so so bad when i see these kind of things.
at how some people are so lucky they can even complain about these kind of things to others.
while i just get hurt, say ouch, continue with my life, and only before i sleep, or only when i'm alone, am i allowed to cry and vent my pain out.
or i scream here. and no one reads this. ever.
then again, here i am complaining about how sad my life is.
i know somewhere in some other part of the world, there are others worser than me.
so i shouldn't be complaining.
but if i dun vent even this bit out, i might really go crazy. and i feel like i'm really suffocating.
i cant breathe.
i hate myself.
cus i hate the ways other people complain at every small bit.
and i hate the ways other people dun realise how lucky they are.
yet me myself, i do things which people do tht i hate.
so self-contradictory.
anw, my legs really hurt. i cant even cross my legs cus the bruise on my thigh hurts ON MY BED. yeah.
i feel like giving up.
i'm trying to hang on so hard.
there always seems to be something pushing me off the cliff nowadays.
not pushing me off, making me want to lose hold of my grip.
i wish satan didnt exist and would just go away.
i wish i could have my health back.
i wish i didnt have to prick myself 4 times a day.
i wish i didnt have to control the amount of chocolates i needed.
i wish i wasn't so emotional.
i wish i wasn't so indecisive.
i wish i never liked him.
i wish i wasn't hurting so badly right now.
i wish my heart was still intact now.
i wish everything would be okay.
i wish i wasn't so lousy at anything/ everything.
i wish i realised how lucky i was and stop complaining.
i wish i could just change and be a better/nicer person.
i wish i could stop being so mean and spoilt.
i wish the world could stop for a while.
just so i could have a moment to breath and gain back my momentum,
so i could slowly accept everything.
HAI. i dk what i'm doing again.
i havent even decided about camp yet.
its 11.44pm.
i have to decide by tomorrow.
someone just kill me for my indecisiveness.
before i kill myself cause of my stupid indecisiveness.
oh yes. i'm thinking of changing my blogskin too.
but that's another thing i'd do sometime.
and i'm moving in 13 days.
haven't packed and dun want to.
i'll just be the only one rushing to pack next time.
i really dun wanna pack.... :/
sigh!
okay,
shall go pray for wisdom to decide annd then go to sleep.
i miss soh so much.
havent talked to her properly recently.
and then her com got prob agn just whn we talk for less thn 20 minutes.
sigh.
but at least she's still there for me.
its really under these circumstances, where i know who my true friends are.
or maybe i dont.
but i feel so sad.
when people tell me i'm their friend.
i'm really happy that i have one more friend and someone who treat me as a friend.
and when i go through times like these,
i feel so sad because i wonder what happened to these people.
but i thank God for letting me know who are the true ones who will brave through the tough times with me
ty my dear cheerbear.
ily sm dear [i'll leave the deer to you hahahaha] <3
ty for being my firefighter, my 119, my CPR performer, my "yoga" instructor, and everything that i could ever ask from a best friend.
you really are one of the best friends one could ever have. <3
Dear Yoga:
"No matter how i try, try to kill the time,
well i think that i'm just going crazy,
one day at a time"
now, i'm not afraid to tell you.
in fact, there are so many questions i wanna ask you.
but i'm just so afraid of yr response...
why are you doing this to me?
